Serving Up Thursday's Giggles
There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation: "It's so beautiful here in the winter," he said, "that heaven doesn't interest them." Then he added, "And it's so hot here in the summer that hell doesn't scare them!"
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
Two Italian virgins get married and go on their honeymoon. However, they have no idea what there supposed to do once they get to their hotel room. The newlyweds decide to call his mother and get some advice on what to do. The mother says that they should sit on the bed together and snuggle with each other and things should start to happen from there. The newlyweds start to do this but nothing else happens. He calls his mother back to find out what to do next. She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers in bed, and nature should takes its course. The bride and groom take his mother's advice but still nothing. He calls his mother a third time. Getting frustrated with the situation she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest thing!" and hangs up on him. A few minutes later he reluctantly calls his mother back, "Well, I have my nose in her armpit. What do I do next?"
A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra. The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?" The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
An Italian cab driver was telling a passenger that only real men drive taxis in Rome. "We use our left hand for signals and our right hand to wave at women," he proclaimed. The tourist asked, "But how do you steer?" "I just told you," the cabbie replied, "that only *real* men drive taxis in Rome."
It was a slow afternoon at the pharmacy when Anthony, the pharmacist, saw a young, buxom blonde walk into the drugstore. The beautiful blonde sashayed up to the counter and asked Anthony, "Do you sell extra large condoms?" The pharmacist replied, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" The blonde responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Q. Why are beer cans so easy to open?
A. Look who's drinking them.
A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm disappointed! It was all over in four minutes." The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."
IT CAN'T BE TRUE:
People who brought an edition of the Bible printed in 1631 by Barker and Lucas were surprised when they came to the following verse in the book of Exodus: 20:14 Thou shalt commit adultery. The printers left out the word not. The English monarch, Charles 1, was horrified, recalled all 1.000 copies and fined the printers 3,000
Weird Fact :
A cesium atom in an atomic clock that beats over nine billion times a second.
Weird Fact :
Beijing boasts the world's largest Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
How to Piss Off A Woman
Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you
plan to do. Then go bowling.
Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know
why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same
Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to
suffer with it through sex just to please her.
Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.
Fake your own orgasm while dining out.
Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob
inspector at the nearest whorehouse.
After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't
contagious. Then faint.
A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was
okay to have sex during her pregnancy. He told them that
during the first trimester they could do it normal-style,
during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and
during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.
"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"
"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor.
A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their
apartment. Since they didn't have a couch, they let him
share their bed with them.
Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the
wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my
husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."
The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't
wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not
satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a
third time, which he happily did.
Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's
bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as
me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"
For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini
incision, which, along with the previous scars, would
form an arrow on my tummy.
"Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen
years and four kids, I hardly need directions."
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a
heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.
After listening politely for over a half-hour on how
thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he
should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins
had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, "Don't be ridiculous, the attack
lasted only 6 hours!"
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking
about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no
excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire
medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at
the student, and said, "Thats not an acceptable excuse,
you can use your other hand to write."