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Friday, June 23, 2006

Some Funnies



On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man. One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor. "There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest." "How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked. "Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
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A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.
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Billy Bob's parents were thrilled and excited when he joined the Army; he was going to serve his country. After Billy Bob had completed basic training, he invited his parents to come to the base and spend the day there. He said that special programs had been set up for all the parents, so that they could see the results of the training. His parents showed up, eager to see what Billy Bob had learned. After all the parents had visited with their sons, the Drill Sergeant announced that the group would do an exhibition of marching, to show off the skills their sons had learned. The troops lined up in formation and marched by the group of parents. As they went by, Billy Bob's mother said to his father, "I'm so proud of Billy Bob. Look at him. He's out there marching, and do you notice, he's the only one in step?"
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An elderly couple were both lying in bed one morning, having just awoken from a good nights sleep. - He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me". - "Why not," he asks. - She answers back, "Because I'm dead." - Her husband says, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here in bed together and talking to one another." - The wife says, "No, I'm definitely dead." - Her husband insists, "You're not dead. What in hell makes you think you're dead?" - His wife answers, "I know I'm dead, damn it, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."
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The officer pulled me over for speeding. I explained that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary. Rather than letting me off, he wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations. The first year is paper, right?"
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These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
Ø The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Ø The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Ø Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ø Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Ø The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Ø Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
Ø Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Ø Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ø For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Ø Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Ø Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
Ø The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."
Ø Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
Ø A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
Ø At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Ø Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Ø Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Ø Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
Ø The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Ø Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
Ø The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ø This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ø Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Ø The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Ø Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Ø The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Ø Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Ø The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

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A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
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During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
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An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"

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An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!" "That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hell getting him to swallow the pill!!!"
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A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday." After a second session of psychotherapy, the pyschiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured. For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt. Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.
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Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't ... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But ... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get himself up and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"
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The makers of French's mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing that we have in common is the fact that we are both yellow"
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Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them." "Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy." "But why?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
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Signs You're Hungover
* You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.
* Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
* Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
* You're convinced that the chirping birds are Satan's pets.
* You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
* You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
* The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
* All day long your motto is, "Never again."
* You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.
* Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"
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When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"
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Our local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake. A rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards -- and the flock flew off! The men were left staring at open water. Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?" The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
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A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the required sum. "There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."
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Now You Know What's Wrong With the Economy..... A party of economists went climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass and the sun. Finally he said, "Okay, see that big mountain over there?" The others all agreed that they did. "Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."
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"You say you served in the Army?" said the restaurant manager, as he sampled the new cook's first soup. "Yes, sir. Officer's cook for two years and wounded twice." "You're lucky, man. It's a wonder they didn't kill you."
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Artifacts are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy. Annually, thousands of tourists visit reservations and most will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of the traditional Indian culture. One enterprising Indian was able to outsell his competitors in the sale of wooden dolls by selling them at only a fraction of the cost others had to charge. On examination of his dolls they found that where traditionally hard wood was used, this Indian would use cheap pine on which he glued thin pieces of fine mahogany, thus being able to produce the dolls at only a fraction of the cost. While he claimed his dolls were still authentic, his competitors complained that it was only a cheap Sioux Veneer.
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There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got to the island, one of them started screaming and yelling. "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! No one will ever find us. We're going to die!" The second man was sitting at the water's edge and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. "Don't you understand?!" We're going to die!!" the first man said. "You don't understand this is Mahattan Island and we are only two blocks from the subway !"
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I work in a department that is supported by grants. On his first day, my new Boss delivered some bad news. He said, "Unfortunately your last Boss failed to apply for the grant that supports your work. You will be terminated at the end of this month. Did you know that?" Admittedly, I was unprepared for this, but I was not shocked. Two weeks before the end of my tenure, the new Boss came to me. He said, "Before you go, please submit the lesson plans you would have used for the next three months." I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, those lesson plans were covered in the grant. Didn't you know that?"
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I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My Boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client, our team introduced ourselves one by one. When it was my Boss' turn, he said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager." When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a lowly programmer."
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Three nurses arrive at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first why he should admit her. She replies that she has been an emergency room nurse and has saved thousands and t thousands of lives. "OK", he says, "Come on in!" The second reports that he has been an ICU nurse and he, too, has saved thousands and thousands of lives. St. Peter lets him in, too. St. Peter asks the third nurse the same question. She replies that she has been an HMO care nurse and has saved thousands and thousands of dollars for the insurance company. St. Peter replies, "OK. Come on in. But you can only stay three days."
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My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to a Catholic church for First Communion practice. The pastor has the children cup their hands, and when he gives them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he says, "God be with you." Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you!"
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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small. He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level. He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house. Observing all this, our 'nosey' next-door neighbor asked, "Hey! Ray, are you going to put that patio away 'EVERY' night?"
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Subject: Good Stuff

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
23. How do you top a car? Tep on the brake tupid! Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!

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MP and St. Peter
St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I've gotta go pee, watch the gate will ya?"

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When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story. After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, "Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time." They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, "What was that all about?" "Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember?" I said. "Yes, but what does that have to do with," she pointed to the couple, "Dick and Jane?"
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Murphy's Laws of Genealogy
1. The public ceremony in which your distinguished ancestor participated and at which the platform collapsed under him turned out to be his hanging.
2. When at last after much hard work you have evolved the mystery that you have been working on for two years, your aunt says, "I could have told you that."
3. You search ten years for your grandmother's maiden name to eventually find it on a letter in a box in the attic.
4. You never asked your father about his family when he was alive because you weren't interested in genealogy then.
5. The will you need is in the safe on board the Titanic.
6. Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on the surnames.
7. John, son of Thomas the immigrant whom your relatives claim as the family progenitor, died on board ship at the age of 10.
8. Your great grandfather's newspaper obituary states that he died leaving no issue of record.
9. Another genealogist has just insulted the keeper of the vital records you need.
10. The relative who had all the family photographs gave them all to her daughter who has no interest in genealogy and no inclination to share.
11. The only record you find for your great grandfather is that his property was sold at a sheriff's sale of insolvency.
12. The one document that would supply the missing link in your dead end line has been lost due to fire, flood, or war.
13. The town clerk to whom you wrote for the information sends you a long handwritten letter which is totally illegible.
14. The spelling of your European ancestor's name bears no relationship to its current spelling or pronunciation.
15. None of the pictures in your recently deceased grandmother's photo album have names written on them. 16. No one in your family tree ever did anything noteworthy, owned property, was sued or was named in a will.
17. You learn that your great aunt's executor just sold her life's collection of family genealogical materials to a flea market dealer "Somewhere in New York City."
18. Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the value of the data recorded.
19. The 37 volume, 16,000 page history of your county of origin isn't indexed.
20. You finally find your great grandparents' wedding record and discover that the bride's father was named John Smith.

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There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day. The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
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