Sunday Funnies MId-Morning Edition
For most men there are three ages of hair:
Parted, unparted and departed.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter--haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator "And finally" she said "I do thank my new parents-in-law for giving me such a beautiful perky copulator"
An Italian and his 6 year old son, Luigi, go into a clothing shop. "May 1 help you?" asks the salesman. "Yes" says the father, 1'd like a nice sweater for me and a pair of trousers for my son Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!', and he slaps little Luigi around the head several times. Shocked by this attack the salesman asks, "Will that be all sir?" "No" says the father. "1'd like a pair of shoes for me and a pair for Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!" and he slaps little Luigi again. "Now just wait a minute" protests the salesman. "You can't keep hitting that poor boy like that - why do you keep hitting him?" "Why do I keep hitting Luigi - WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD?' yells the father, bashing Luigi again. 'Well, I'll tell you!" he says. "When I met his mamma, Maria, she wassa eighteen years old, she hada a perfect body, the most beautiful breasts 1 ever saw - and the nicest, tighta pussy ina the whole suburb - until along comma Luigi WITH THE BIG FAT HEAD!"'
Q. What is the definition of Confidence? A. When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next!"
The worst unintentional pun I ever heard was uttered many years back
by my then girl friend Kim. Our pet gerbils had had a litter of young
and I was trying to place them with a pet store. I was joking around
about it, saying that if I couldn't find a buyer I'd have to turn
them loose and let the snakes eat them, and Kim said, "Don't say such
a cruel thing, not even ingest!"
The man of the house was mixing a martini, and a kitten was studying
every action intently. She watched him take the ice from the freezer.
She followed the ice to the glass. She helped him measure out the
liquor and stared at the ritual of the spearing of the olives.
Suddenly, a lemon twist slipped from his hands and flew across the
kitchen. The kitten couldn't believe her luck. She got there first.
She bit into the yellow twist before the man could stop her, certain
of a wonderful treat these humans enjoy. The kitten's face screwed up
as she spit out the bitter rind. "Aha, " said the mixologist," so you
have learned a rind is a terrible thing to taste."
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber. The
plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type
things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor
exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make that much as a
doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
Three salesmen got snowed in at a farmer's house. They had to spend the night, and one salesman had to sleep in the attic, as there weren't enough bedrooms. The farmer, being a trusting soul as most farmers are, allowed his two daughters to sleep with the two salesman, each in their own bedrooms. Before retiring, the three salesmen discussed whether they
were going to score that night with the two daughters. They devised a code of signals so that each could let the other two know if they were successful. The first said he would make the sound of a train horn and yell, "Freight train through bedroom one!" The second said he would yell out, "Mail train through bedroom two!"
Sometime after retiring, sure enough, the yell "Freight train through bedroom one!" was heard. A short time later, "Mail train through bedroom two!" was heard. Not wanting to be outdone, the salesman in the attic blurted out, "Handcar through the attic!"
(Something to piss off everyone)
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
A tobacco company sent Dave several packages of cigarettes with the explanation: "We are sending you some of our finest cigarettes. We hope you enjoy them and will want more." After several months the tobacco company received this reply from Dave: "I got your cigarettes and soaked them in a quart of water which I sprayed on my bug-infested rosebushes. Every bug died! These cigarettes make best poison ever! Please send me some more next year in case any bugs survived."
A stewardess was getting very annoyed by 3 little children on the plane. They had been bugging her since take-off, complaining that they were hungry or bored or tired or thirsty or needed to go to the bathroom and whatever else you could imagine a small child commenting and complaining about. Well, the stewardess had had enough. The next time the children said that they were bored, the stewardess told them to go play outside.
An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock - one hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble. He told her that he had just heard they were going to split. "Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that. And, they've been together for so long too."
Did you hear about the 2 guys who decided to try duck hunting? They bought new outfits & equipment, and went out to a place in the woods where they heard the hunting was really good. But after several hours of thrashing through the woods, one fellow said, "I don't know about this. We've been out here all day and haven't caught a single duck. Do you think we're doing something wrong?" "I don't know," replied the other." Maybe we're not throwing the dog up high enough."
Recently in Traffic Court a man who received an expensive parking ticket testified that a uniformed Policeman had given his OK for the man to park there. The Judge asked the man if he would recognize the Officer if he ever saw him again, and the man replied that he would. The Judge then said, "Good. When you see the Officer again, tell him he owes you $57. Next..."
Jill went to see her family doctor about her husband John. "For the first twenty years, he was fine Doc, not nervous or jumpy at all. Then for the next 10 years, he's been irritable, jumpy and fidgety. And now the last 5 years, he's been awful jumpy and nervous. He can't sit still in the same room with me for even 5 minutes. I don't know what to do for him. Can you help?" "What your husband needs is a little rest, Jill. Here is a sleeping pill." "Oh, Thank you Doctor. A million thanks to you. And when do I give him the medicine?" "Not HIM, Jill, YOU take it."
While I was working in the men's section of a department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size" she said, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck."
My mother and I returned to my parents' house late one evening to find my father, my college-age brother, Steven, and my ten-year-old sister fast asleep. Mom had forgotten her house keys, so we knocked loudly, first at the back door and then the front and side doors. We yelled my father's name over and over, with no answer. The car horn aroused the neighbors but no one at our house. We drove into town and phoned home, finally waking Steven. When we got back, he let us in. Dad was in bed, snoring, with the television on. Mom quietly switched it off. Dad woke right up. "Don't turn that off," he said. "I'm watching it!"
Blake and his parents were drinking at the bar in a train station when they heard a whistle. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had missed the train. "The next train is in one hour," said the stationmaster. The three went back into the bar. The parents had another drink. Blake had a Pepsi. Again they heard a whistle, rushed out and discovered the train pulling away. "Next one is sixty minutes from now!" said the stationmaster. An hour later, Blake, with his Mom and Dad, raced out onto the platform, and his parents leaped onto the train as it pulled away. The boy was left standing on the platform and began to laugh uproariously. "Your parents just left you," said the stationmaster. "Why are you laughing?" "They came to see me off!"
I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," OR "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car
I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the
next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this
country lately. Illegal immigration, hurrican recovery, alligators
attacking humans in Florida.
Why not concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a
+Dig a moat across the length of the Mexican border
+Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
Any other problems need resolving this afternoon??
If a round peg fits into a round hole, and a square peg fits into a square hole, then why isn't the end of your dick shaped like an axe?
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calmness in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Glenlivet, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and box of Chocolates. You have no idea how fucking good I feel Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.
There was a young lad that was graduating from high school. He couldn't get a date for the prom. His parents suggested that he could take his sister. She agreed to attend the prom with her brother. After the the evening ended they headed home in dad's new SUV. As they were driving he looked at his sister and said "If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road" She replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" After they parked, he said "If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you" Again she replied "Just pretend I'm not your sister" So he gave her a big tongue kiss! Wow, "Damn if you weren't my sister I'd like to fuck you" Again she replied "Pretend I'm not your sister" As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together. When they finished she remarked "Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's" to which he replied " Yep, that's what mom tells me!"