Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
* I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don't remember being absentminded.
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
* I wish the buck stopped here; I could use a few.
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
accidents in the back seat cause kids.
* It's hard to make a comeback when
you haven't been anywhere.
* The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
* When I'm finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses -- they're everywhere!
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A 51 year old company director was relaxing at home one evening while his wife was in the kitchen preparing their supper a fine six pound pike that her husband had caught six hours earlier on a fishing trip. Suddenly, he heard his wife scream. He ran into the kitchen and found her crying and trying to staunch a wound on her arm. The pike had bitten her as she lifted it up to clean it.
A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly into the
doctor's office, deposited him on the examining table, and said, "See
if you can patch him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was a
tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause he's my son-in-law."
The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your son-in-law?" The hillbilly
said, "He warn't my son-in-law when I shot him."
Put in charge of organizing my friend's baby shower, I decided to
send out invitations via email. To let my husband know that he had
baby-sitting duty that day, I entered his name on the "copy to" line.
Within minutes of sending the messages, I received an email back from
my husband. He wrote, "Imagine my disappointment when I realized that
your invitation wasn't sent only to me." He was referring to the
"Subject" line of my message, which read, "Lunch and a shower."
A woman's car breaks down on the Interstate, so the driver eases over
onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the
trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the
vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening
their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not
surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups occurs. It's not very long
before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward
the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going
on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are
these perverts doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "These are
my emergency flashers!" replied the woman!
A woman calls the local radio station to request an old song.
Unfortunately, she calls the number and gets a plumber by mistake.
"Hello?" she asks. "Do you have 'Hot Lips on a Moonlit Night'?"
He replies, "No, but I have hot nuts and an eight inch pipe."
She asks, "Is that a record?"
The man reply "Heck no but it's better than average."
I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?" she asks."115,"I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale.It turns out my weight is 140.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and
slender! Now I'm Short and fat !
She put me on prozac.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a
far town so they can breed their own stock.
They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after
paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She
realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want
you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's
big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"
At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, US Attorney General, John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.
He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle". When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes"
Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, "Is your dick at least a foot long?" John had to admit that it was not. "And is it at least four inches wide?" Once more John replied in the negative. "Well, man, there's your problem!" the guy slapped him on the back. "You let in too much light!"
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits
Amanpreet was hauled up on assault charges. And it wasn't the first time Preet was standing in front of this particular judge. The judge eyed Preet sternly and said, "It says here that you beat up your friend Jon. This isn't the first time you two have come to blows. Tell me why I shouldn't send you off to jail." "Well, your honor, it's like this," Lizard Pecker began, "we were in the bar, sitting real peaceful. Then, Jon turns to me and said, 'you know, Preet, the only damned reason you're behaving is you're afraid of that asshole judge.' Well, Your Honor, when he said that about you, I just busted him in the mouth."
Luigi: "Father, I want an annulment." Priest: "Why, Luigi?" Luigi: "I think I married my sister." Priest: "No, no Luigi. I've known you and your wife all your lives, and there is no relation. What makes you think you've married your sister?" Luigi: "Last night -- we undress for bed -- she look at me -- she say --"Oh, brother!"
A 5-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5-year-old, "I think it's about time we start swearing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 5-year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm going to say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?" The 4-year-old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. The Mom looks at the 4-year-old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter."
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!"
One night, a bunch of army recruits were lounging in their bunks. It was a warm evening, and one chap was nice and comfortable in the altogether. Suddenly the bugle sounded for roll call. There wasn't time to dress; so he grabbed his trench coat and buttoned it up tight. Roll call went off all right, but then they decided to have clothing inspection. When they came to the GI in the trench coat, he was ordered to open it. The officer looked him up and down, then said, "That's a strange uniform." "It was the first one issued to me, sir." replied the recruit.
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this drastic action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps. Folks, it's getting ugly !!
Mary: My friend Joe called me last night to complain about his home life. Jill: Really? What's the problem? Mary: Oh, it's the usual. His daughter's a teenager. You know how teens can be! Jill: Oh, yes, I do! Mary: He said, "I can't get a break! My daughter's 14 and getting breasts, and my wife's 48 and getting a moustache!"
Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths? A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
Why do we have orgasms? How else would we know when to stop?