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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sunday Funny's Early Edition.



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Dear Wife,
1. From 9 June to 9 July 2006, you should read the sports section of
the
newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World
Cup, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you
fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will
be
totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.

2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without
any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you
will lose it (your eye).

3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't
mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without
distracting
me.

4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
expect me to listen to you, open the door, and answer the telephone.

5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and
please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to
watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV in the
afternoon, unless they replay a good game that I missed.

6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams
is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry,
they'll win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me
angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know
more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"
will only lead to a divorce.

7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to
me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if
the
halftime score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying
"one" game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
"spend time together".

8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have
seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again. Many times.

9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.

10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to
watch a game, we will be there in a flash.

11. The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as
important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but
you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to
something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule
#2 of this list".

12. And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank God the
World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because
after this, comes the Champions League, Italian League, Spanish League,
Premier League, FA Cup, etc.
Thanking you in advance for your usual cooperation. Regards, Your
Husband

Have the best day of your life!!!!!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said,
"In the lake."
-- Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured
at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I
was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes,
dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So now I have
two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to
report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to
perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but

nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American
Indian
medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he threw a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue
smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a
year. All you have to do is say "123," and it shall rise for as long
as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it"s over, and I don"t want to
continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say
is"1234",
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work

again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new power and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and
puts on his most

exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying
next to her, he says, "

1-2-3" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life,
just as the

medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks,

"What did you say 1-2-3 for?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs"
they get ushered into see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but I have a important
question to ask you, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and
answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns
around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face
the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No
Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey
turns around and silences them all wit an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf
nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding
on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!" "Dopey screwed a penguin!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and
go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car, and saw Daddy and Aunt
Diana in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could barely contain
himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mummy," Little Johnny exclaimed, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Diana. I went back to look and
he was giving Aunt Diana a big kiss, then he helped her take off her
shirt. Then Aunt Diana helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt
Diana......"

At this point Mum cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
'interesting' story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.
I
want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell him tonight."

At the dinner table, Mummy asked Little Johnny to tell Daddy his story.

Mummy listened closely as Little Johnny started telling his story about
how he saw the car go into the woods..., then watched Aunt Diana get
undressed..., and then Aunt Diana laid down on the back seat...., and
then Aunt Diana and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy &
Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army!!!"

MORAL TO THIS STORY:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt
someone!



My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter
approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had
gotten
her
boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get
them?" "At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began
looking
at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A little old man was escorted into the witness box.
After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain
what happened.
After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to
the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, "...and
then
she
hit me with a maple leaf." "Surely that couldn't have caused you any
serious
injury?" said the lawyer. "Are you kidding?" exclaimed the old man. "It
was
the leaf from the center of our dining room table."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After taking a tour of a winery in New Jersey, our group
waited patiently to get to the wine-tasting counter. That
was not easy, since a man ahead of us was hogging all the samples as
well as
the attention of the salesperson. Finally it seemed that he was winding
down, as he asked the salesperson, "What should I take back to my
snobby
friends in California?" That's when my wife said, "How about the bus?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched
this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he
found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour
Service."
After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for
my suit tomorrow."
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested.
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only
work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today,
eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
After I broke my ankle in a fall in our garage, I had to wear
a cast from the knee down. Normally my husband and I are cozy
sleepers, but the cast posed a problem. Several sleepless
nights later, my husband said to me in desperation,
"I don't mind sleeping with the star of the show, but I can't
manage the whole cast."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
During an army basic training, the lieutenant took the batch on a match
and
asked each of them where home was.
After everyone had answered, he sneered and said, "You are all wrong,
the
army is now your home!"
Back at the barracks, he read the evening duties, then asked the first
sergeant if he had anything to say. "You bet I do," the sergeant
replied,
"Men, while you were gone today, I found beds improperly made, clothes
not
hanging correctly, shoes not shined, and footlockers a mess. Where do
you
think you are? Home?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulf
at the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure our
three
young children wouldn't be worried about their father's being in
danger.
It
wasn't always easy, but I knew I'd succeeded when someone at church
asked
our three-year-old where his dad was.
He replied, "He's in Persia, golfing."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A wife went to the police station with her
next-door neighbor to report her husband
was missing. The policeman asked for
a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had
dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build,
weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and
is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your
husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald,
has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yeah, but who wants
HIM back?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say,
the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the
Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with
a caller:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"

"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it
have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."

".......Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the
other
cable."

".......Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back
of
your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's
dark."

"Dark?"

"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No? Why not?"

"Because there's a power outage."

"A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."



What I learnt From The Movies

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a
passing
St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit
level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French
bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No
one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any
other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will
not
be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in
Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a
note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the
exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by
15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family
every
morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat
them. The Mother will not be upset by this.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a
football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all
than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely
investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if
any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight
involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have
knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person
you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to
their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems,
deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their
captives
at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's
eighth birthday.

27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and
accordions - can be played without moving the fingers.

28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are
visiting.

30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump
into
will know all the steps.



Winners of a New York Magazine contest who
were asked to take a well-known statement in a f
foreign language, change a single letter and
provide a definition for the new statement:

RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID
Honk if you're Scottish

HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?

VENI, VIPI, VICI:
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.

COGITO EGGO SUM:
I think; therefore I am a waffle.

RIGOR MORRIS:
The cat is dead.

QUE SERA SERF:
Life is feudal

LE ROI EST MORT, JIVE LE ROI:
The king is dead. *No kidding.

POSH MORTEM:
Death styles of the rich and famous

PRO BOZO PUBLICO:
Support your local clown

MONAGE A TROIS:
I am three years old

HASTE CUISINE:
Fast French food

QUIP PRO QUO:
A fast retort

ALOHA OY:
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know!

MAZEL TON:
Tons of luck
Roadside America Via Dianne
http://roadsideamerica.com/

Face Painting
http://www.fasart.com/facepainting1.htm

Welcome to GolfCourses.com
http://www.golfcourses.com/home/default.cfm

The Quadracycle
http://www.hfmgv.org/exhibits/showroom/1896/quad.html

Computer Manuals
http://help-site.com/

Monitor Repair
http://www.repairfaq.org/sam/monfaq.htm

Aurora's glassworks
http://www.wtv-zone.com/aurora/Glassworks.html

Printer Repair
http://www.repairfaq.org/sam/printfaq.htm


The Jerk test.
http://www.womenfiguredout.com

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