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Saturday, June 17, 2006

Sunday's Late Edition Funnies

You'll Have The Fish Pond You've Always Dreamed of Or You Get to Keep
This Breakthrough Book For FREE!
http://www.fantasticfishponds.com





+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your
hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all
summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available,
you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend
spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the
bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)
and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them
in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug
swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or
Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8
to
12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz
and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set
alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to
the
front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the
beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on
the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest
food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read
it quietly for the last time.


FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience,
tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they
can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you'll have all the answers.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde tried to sell her old car, but was having
problems getting rid of it because the vehicle had been
driven 250,000 miles.

She discussed her problem with a brunette co-worker
at the Salon Shop. The brunette mentioned that she knows of
a procedure to make the car easier to sell, but it's illegal
to do so.

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can
just sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a
friend of mine who owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he
will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then you should
be able to unload the car."

The following weekend, the blonde went to see the
co-worker's mechanic to have the work done.

Several weeks went by before the brunette asked the
blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has
50,000 miles on it."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Leah and Shifrah are old friends. They have both been
married to their husbands for a long time; Shifrah is
upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive
anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Shifrah cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I
get more beautiful every day." replies Leah.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A graduate in economics who completed his degree in the 1950's returned
to his old university for a visit. He was amazed to see that the
examination questions were identical to the ones asked in his day.

When he pointed this out to a member of staff, the reply was "That's
true, but of course the answers are completely different now."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man was driving along a rural Alabama road in his
beat up old Dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He
was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a
Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.
After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't
going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar
driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage.

A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge
to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver
was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and
flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two
men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to
pull away with the Dodge behind it.

At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and
started to rev his engine provocatively. As soon as the light turned
green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off.

Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph. As
the cars speed along, they passed through a police
speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when
he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he
couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to
radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I
saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by
side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing
his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by...!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This
continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him
about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey,
Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With
the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What do they want with a plasterer?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
[I remember] when I was in high school and was in an advanced physics
class. Keep in mind that these students were supposed to be the ones
more capable of understanding and going much further with some pretty
advanced stuff.

Well, our teacher was a hobby astronomer, with some pretty nice camera
and telescope equipment. One day he brought in some pictures he had
taken of the sun to see the sunspots etc. During the "slide-show," one
of the students
asked:

"Were these pictures taken during the day or at night?"

After a couple of minutes of uproarious laughter from the rest of the
class, he finally realized his mistake.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as
a
representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost

10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck
that

reads:

"If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in
excellent
shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he does, it's
definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four
days,
the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he
weighs
himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone -
"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; when he opens it he finds
this

huge, muscular, 7ft tall black man standing there wearing nothing but
pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A "modern" Islamic couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with
their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last
questions before they leave.

The man asks, "We realize it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance
with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception,
we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah'u'Akbar! Sex is OK within
marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"Allah'u'Akbar! No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah'u'Akbar. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Allah'u'Akbar!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! Allah'u'Akbar!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket
of
honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. Allah'u'Akbar!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the Mullah."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused
of
killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you
plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You
dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from
making any noise.

The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are
accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how
do you plead"?

"Guilty", said the man in the dock.

Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You
dirty rotten stinking rat"!!

At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have
already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I
will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your
feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"

He replied "He is my next door neighbor".

The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must
refrain from any comments".

The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have
asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have
one"!!!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
New Giude to the Bases

On Deck - Having plans for a date

Strike-Out - Duh!!

Walk - Kissing

Bunt - Masturbation

Single - Tongue kissing

Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feels

Triple - Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual masturbation

Inside-the-park Home Run - Oral Sex

Home Run - SEX!

Ground Rule Double - Would have sex, but no condom

Error - Condom breaks during sex

Banned for Life - for Gambling Sex without condom

Hall of Fame - Marriage

Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to better
explain all the things that can happen now-a-days:

Balk - Premature ejaculation

Pine Tar - KY jelly

Relief pitcher - Vibrator

Rain Delay - Parents/roommate return home unexpectedly

Box Seats - Waterbed

Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions

Rookie - Virgin

Minor Leagues - Under 18

Loaded Bases - Manage' a trois'

Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours

Foul tip - VD

Three up and three down - Impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast the old
confusion with current clarity:

OLD WAY- We, um, got to third base, I guess, and then we, um, got like
past third base, but not to home plate. I really like her.

NEW WAY- First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home
run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.

NEW WAY- So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I
balked during the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief
pitcher.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in
high
school; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in the 10th
grade, which was the start of a very pleasant sex life together. When
they graduated they both wanted to go to the same college but, the girl
was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a
college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and
to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be
home, and when he wrote, she would take ages to return the letters.
Even
when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally,
she
confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails
trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his
persistence and now with several new boyfriends, she wanted to get him
off her back. So, she took a Polaroid picture of herself in a really
steamy sexual position with one of her new boyfriend and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new interest, leave me
alone."

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he
was totally pissed off.

What he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the
following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a huge time at college! Please
send
more money! As you can see, I'm getting pretty desperate for cash!"
Then he mailed the picture to her parents.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and
drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few
people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the
next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built
like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the
driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. Oh,
did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically
meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he
wasn't happy about it.The next day the same thing happened - Big John
got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the
next
day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus
driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking
advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for
body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the
end
of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really
good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got
on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up,
glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why the fuck not?!?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John grins and pats the
busdriver
on the back and says, "'Cause Big John's got a fuckin' bus pass!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their
sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could
not
help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough
physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then
concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you,
sir,
roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your
wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a
leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next,
ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them
at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like
a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple
went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told
their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case
unless
he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and
the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I
cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life
is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help. The Greens pleaded with
him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please
help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from
the
office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
cheerios..."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A naval boiler stoker goes to Hell. The Devil comes up to him on the
first day and sees him smiling. "What are you so happy about?" says
Lucifer. "I just love it here. Its like a spring day in the boiler
room." The Devil walks off angry, and decides to get him. "I'll turn
the
heat all the way up. That'll show him." The next day, The Devil checks
back with the stoker, only to find him happy once again. "What now?"
says the Evil one. "This heat is great! Reminds me of a summer day in
the boiler room." The Devil realizes that he has been going about it
all
wrong. "Tomorrow I'm going to make it colder than a Siberian winter."
He
returns the next day to find the stoker shivering and blue, but
grinning
from ear to ear. "What could you possibly have to be happy about?"
"It's
pretty obvious, isn't it?" replied the stoker. "The Detroit Tigers must
be in first place!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Shopping List From 1849's California Gold Rush


The following are minimum amounts necessary for an eight day trip in
the
mountains:

8 lbs potatoes

1 bottle whiskey

1 bottle pepper sauce

1 bottle whiskey

1 box tea

9 lbs onions

2 bottles whiskey

1 ham

11 lbs crackers

1 bottle whiskey

3 dozen sardines

2 bottles brandy, (4th proof)

6 lbs sugar

1 bottle brandy, (4th proof)

7 lbs cheese

2 bottles brandy, (4th proof)

1 bottle pepper

5 gallons whiskey

4 bottles whiskey (old Bourbon)

1 small keg whiskey
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Statistical Findings:
10% of the women had sex within
the first hour of their first date
20% of the men had sex in a non-
traditional place
36% of the women favour nudity
45% of the women prefer dark men
with blue eyes
46% of the women experienced anal
sex
70% of the women prefer sex in the
morning
80% of the men have never experienced
homosexual relations
90% of the women would like to have
sex in the forest
99% of the women have never experienced
sex in the office.

Conclusion:
Statistically speaking, you have a better
chance of having anal sex in the morning
with a strange woman in the forest than
to have sex in the office at the end of
the day.

Moral:
Do not stay late in the office. Nothing
good will ever come of it!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man came home, screeching his car into the driveway, and ran into
the house.

He slammed the door and shouted at the top of his lungs, "Honey, pack
your bags, I won the damned lottery !"

The wife said, "oh my God!, what should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff ?"

"Dosen't matter," he said, "Just get the hell out !"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you,
what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
"Signs the Easter Bunny is Nuts!"

10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."

9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming
at Santa,..."You're going to die up there, fat man!"

8. Can't stop washing his paws.

7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.

6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.

5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."

4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in
his crawl space.

3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.

2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.

1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.

+*"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making
love, "Will you still make love to me like that after
we're married?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied,
"I think so. I've always been especially fond of married
women."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
"According to a new study, 63% of men surveyed said they
like to settle an argument by having sex. The other 37% of
the men said they would never want to get into an argument
with those men." - Jay Leno
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q. Why are guys so good at video games?
A. It's the eye-hand coordination developed after all those years of
jerking off to Playboy centerfolds.

Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex
life? Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything

Yo momma so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line
behind me had the correct change.

Yo momma nose so big you can go bowling with her boogers!

Yo momma nose so big she makes Pinocchio look like a cat!

Why are blondes lousy at mustering cattle?
Because they can't keep their calves together.

Heaven is when you have barrels of beer and tons of girls.
Hell is when you find out that the barrels have holes and
the girls don't!

Did you hear what the dyslexic Highway Patrolman did on New Year's? He
spent the whole night handing out I.U.D.'s

Woman serving dinner to husband:
"It's a hamburger surprise. You had it yesterday and the day before,
and you certainly didn't expect to get it again tonight."

Q. Why do women get their belly buttons pierced?
A. Where else would they hang the air freshener.

One day, near Christmas, Amy was walking down the
street, singing to herself, "All I want for Christmas is a 10" dick, a
10" dick, a 10" dick". Buffalo, who was out shopping, upon hearing her
song, turns and follows her, singing "Here comes Santa Claus, Here
comes Santa Claus"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight
people. So overweight people are now average. You've met your New
Year's
resolution

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older,
it will avoid you.

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing............. yet.

Q: How long did it take to fill the red sea?
A: A very long period.

Q. What is the difference between movie theater refreshments and movies
at a police stag party? A. One is pop corn, the other is cop porn.

Chadwick's girlfriend got a new job as a receptionist at the local
sperm
bank. One of her duties is to say to the donors as they are leaving:
"Thanks for coming and come again!"

In my study of Human Nature there is only one universal truth about men
that I have found... Gay or straight... they all want blow-jobs.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do
so would ruin the game.

There's a new jewelry store in Hollywood whose
business has suddenly leaped ahead of all the
competition. It rents wedding rings.

Sex is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer
it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Q: What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft
and wet in the middle, starts with a C and
ends with a T ?
A: A coconut.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free
for the weekend!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date e instead of the beginning on one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never
going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt .

Then you forward it to a bunch of old friend's cause you know they'll enjoy it.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

OLD AGE 2006"

I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine
anything worse than being old. How awful it must be
to have nothing to do all day long but stare at
the walls or watch TV. So last week, when the mayor
suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by
cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to
do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an
elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, who,
I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter
because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of brownies and without bothering
to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I
went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell, this "old guy" came to the
door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt,
looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny
Osmond.

"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I
introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club
at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."

"Oh, that's all right," I said. "I baked you
some brownies..."

"Great!", he interrupted, snatching the box,
"Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow!
Thanks so much!"

"...and just thought we'd visit a while, but that's
okay, I'll just trot across the street and call on
Granny Grady..."

"Don't bother," he said, "Gran's not home. I know,
I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing
tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned
at breakfast that she had an appointment for a tint job."

I called my Mother's cousin (age 83), she was in
the hospital... working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot, he
was on his honeymoon.
I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just
don't think I'm up to it.....
Author Unknown
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two friends are discussing the possibility of love.
"I thought I was in love three times," one friend says.
"How so?" his friend asks.
"Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do
with
me." "Was that not love?" his friend asks. "No," he replies. "That was
obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive
woman
who didn't understand me." "Was that not love?" "No," he replies. "That
was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the
Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And
everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange
sensation in the pit of my stomach." "Was that not love?" his friend
asks. "No," he replies. "That was seasickness."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The parish not only has an Internet web site,
the parish council has discussed petitioning the
bishop to change the parish name to "All Saints Domain"

Everyone in the parish assumes everyone knows
what "domain" means

People without email addresses are known as "the needy"

An April Fool's Day joke on the pastor,, several of the teenagers hid
their pagers around his office, then called them all
simultaneously.Apparently it did not startle him. He said he felt like
he was at Sunday liturgy.

During coffee and doughnuts after services, people
are overheard wondering if confession by email would
be 'licit". Someone thinks 'licit" is the name of a new software
company.

A petition is circulation to partition the prayer room, creating a
'beepers-on' section.

To quiet fussy 2-year-olds, handing them pagers
on 'vibrate' is more common than handing them Cheerios.

Five-year-olds actually do say "deliver us some email"
during the Our Father rather than "deliver us from evil".
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
John Smith took his collection of disabled umbrellas to the repairer's.
Two days later, on his way to work, he got up to leave the bus and
absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to a woman beside
him.

"Stop, thief!" cried the woman, and at once she rescued her umbrella,
and covered him with shame and confusion.

Later that same day, John stopped by the repairer's shop and received
all ten of his umbrellas repaired and working fine. As he entered the
bus, with the umbrella bundle in his hands, he was horrified to behold
the lady of his morning misadventure, scowling at him.

Her shrill voice cut straight through him, as she charged, "Had a good
day, didn't you?!"

"No, madam," replied John. "A good day would not include you twice."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
ATTENTION ALL ASYLUM SEEKERS THINKING OF COMING
TO AUSTRALIA:

If you are currently suffering religious, racial
or ethnic persecution or even financial hardships
and are considering Australia as your destination,
please consider the following:

1. Although Australia is a large continent, only
small parts of it is actually worth living in
and believe it or not these areas are already
full of people.

2. The vast majority of the country is uninhabitable
due to the large number of poisonous snakes,
spiders and man eating crocodiles.

3. Due to the hole in the Ozone layer, you cannot
live in the sun unprotected for more than 15
minutes and sunscreen costs exceed 40% of the
average Australian wage.

4. Australia is in the process of beefing up their
defence forces, F111 Fighter bombers, Orion
coastal patrol aircraft and FA 18 aircraft all
scour our oceans looking for your ships, while
the world renowned and feared Collins class
submarines are the invisible death lurking
undetectable beneath our seas.

New Zealand would be a much more suitable place
to go:

1. The land mass is virtually devoid of any population,
most came to Australia years ago, unlike Australia,
there's plenty of room!

2. During the last 1000 years or so any dangerous
animal larger than a Pea has gone extinct from the
Island, the Friendly Native Maori's have eaten them
all.

3. The wonderful climate of New Zealand ensures clouds
preserve you from the effects of dangerous UV
radiation.

4. The New Zealand Defence force is currently in the
process of selling it's remaining tigermoth biplane,
Bill and Wazza of the New Zealand Navy have taken
their tin Dingy and quit. Sailing into New Zealand
is simplicity itself!

5. You stand a better than average chance of being
selected in the national cricket team.

The beautiful scenery, The Maori's peaceful and friendly nature,
promiscuous sheep and the Joys of living in a first world country where
water and power is available almost 80% of the time! Any currency you
bring with you will instantly boost you to levels of wealth you never
expected as New Zealand's exchange rate with your county of origin is
bound to be favourable!

Listen to some testimonials:

Amatoli Hizradda: "At first I had my heart set on
Australia, but with the 50 Drachmas change I had in my
pocket, I've purchased a large farmhouse and 2000 sheep!"

Pong pen VNeue: " I'd never heard of New Zealand and
when I got here I found no Triads or gangs to hold me
ransom, so I started one!"

Slobadan Milocovich: " I was suffering great hardships
in my country due to United Nations persecution, I'm
safe here in New Zealand as the UN doesn't even know
it exists
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

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