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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Tacky Trashy Tickles

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~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON'T SAY

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

~~~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
\She moved in with me.

~~~~~

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"

~~~~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

~~~~~

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

~~~~~

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

~~~~~

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

~~~~~

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

~~~~~

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

~~~~~

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

~~~~~

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

~~~~~

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

~~~~~

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.

~~~~~

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Jeff Foxworthy on Michigan

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18
inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim
by,
you might live in Michigan

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights
each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might
live in Michigan

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",you
might live in Michigan

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you
might
live in Michigan

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Michigan.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don 't work
there, you might live in Michigan

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his
forehead, you might live in Michigan

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk,
you might live in Michigan

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live
in Michigan

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live
in Michigan

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in
Michigan

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing
bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters," you
might
live in Michigan
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the
horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms
around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse
anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping
rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she
is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is
struck
against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments
away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the
Wal-Mart
greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right
before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has
caught
over its limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever
advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new
rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after
he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how
your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an
angler
into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit
before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped
overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler
from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures
and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just
before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid
kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you
reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that
you
need more than one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when
fighting fish in a specific weight range.

(2) A measure of your
creativity in blaming that darn line for once again losing the fish.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they are not
prepared for the answer

At the start of a trial, a southern small town prosecuting attorney
called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded; "why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me."

She continued; "You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people
and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot
when
you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything
more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She
again replied "why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his
wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died!

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both
counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of
you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Mexican Computer Virus




BUENOS DIAS!!!

JOU HAVE YUST RECEIBED A MEHICAN BYRUS.

SIN WE NO HABE SO GOOD TECHNIOLOGICALLY ADBANCE IN MEHICO, DEES IS A
MANUAL BYRUS.

PLEESE DELETE ALL JOUR FILES ON JOUR HARD-DRIVE JOURSELF AND SEND
THEES
E-MAIL TO EBERYONE JOU KNOW.


TANK JOU FOR HALPING ME.


JULIO MANUEL JOSE RODRIGUEZ-GARCIA


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There is a Yankee fan, a Red Sox fan, a Cubs fan and a Marlins fan
climbing up to the top of a mountain talking about how loyal they are
to
their team, and how they would do anything for them.

Once they reach the top of the mountain the Cubs fans screams "THIS IS
FOR THE CUBS" and jumps off.

The Marlins fan screams "THIS IS FOR THE MARLINS" and he too jumps off
the mountain.

Finally, the Red Sox fan screams "THIS IS FOR EVERYONE" and pushes the
Yankee fan off.


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man
who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin,come up here and
I'll
give you the $2."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin,
since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is
business..."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

The miracle of toilet paper.....

Fresh from her shower, she stands in front of the mirror, complaining to me,
her husband, that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling her it's not so, I uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper
and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, she
fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between
her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," I reply.

"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will
make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat I say, "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"

I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again.
Stupid, stupid woman...

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in
women's breast implants.This is a major breakthrough.Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts
and not listening to them.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The seven qualities of a perfect husband ...

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL
LETTERS only


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
This is a transcript between a commuter and the
railroad company, regarding services of the latter.

"Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last
twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to
be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the
aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by
people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
A Commuter"

The Reply to the above:

"Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the
shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat
confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Western Railways"

And the Counter-Reply was:

"Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you
are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will
refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will
find that Balaam rode to town on his ass...
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do
on your train in the last twenty-two years!
Yours truly,
A Commuter"


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

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