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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Tuesday's Evening Laughes



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Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce. My husband has been cheating on me." "That is a serious accusation," the judge said. "Do you have any evidence to substantiate this claim of your husband's infidelity?" "Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another woman." "Who was this other woman?" the judge asked. "I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why didn't you follow them into the theatre and find out who she was. It may have been just a harmless coincidence. You should have gone in after them." "I would have," she explained, "but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."
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A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring
the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You
idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"


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During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation's capital,Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, Md. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied:....J E R- USA - L E M An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized for the first time a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel. 'It's a clear violation of church and state,' said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan. 'There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan,' said one bee official, 'unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there.
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Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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New War Strategy (From the archives) The latest strategy to drive the Taliban out of the mountains of Afghanistan is to send in a team of Redneck Special Forces. Billy Bob, Bubba Dean, and Cooter are being sent in and told five things:
1. The limit is two.
2. The season ended last weekend.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, or country music.
5. Some are queer. That should just about do it.
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Weird Fact :
The first subway system in America was built in Boston, Massachusetts in 1897.
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IT CAN'T BE TRUE:
In 1983 the villagers of Brignoles in France were astonished when there was a freak storm and thousands of toads fell out of the sky. They had been whisked up into the sky by a whirlwind which blew across nearby breeding ground and having blown itself out, left the toads to fall to the ground!
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Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
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John: "So how often do you have sex with your wife?"
Jim: "Oh, four or five times a week."
John: "That's more often than I get it!"
Jim: "Well, it should be... after all, she's *my* wife."
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Johnny and Kip were playing hockey at Forest Park skating rink. Suddenly a vicious pit bull came up and attacked Kip. Instead of panicking, Johnny sneaked up behind the dog, stuck his hockey stick in the dog's collar, and broke the dog's neck. A reporter from St. Louis heard about what had happened with the boy and he went to the Johnny's house to see him. He asked Johnny how all of this happened, and Johnny told him. Then he asked Johnny if he could write about him, and Johnny said sure. So the reporter pulled out his notepad and started writing, "Blues fan from St. Louis saves friend from vicious dog." Johnny said, "I'm not a Blues fan." So the reporter started writing again. "Cardinals fan from St. Louis saves friend from dog." Johnny said, "I'm not a Cardinals fan either." The reporter finally asked, "What the hell are you a fan of?" Johnny said, "I'm a Detroit Redwings fan." The reporter frowned and stared writing again: "Little bastard from Michigan kills family pet."
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Not long after the marriage, Tom and his father met for lunch. "Well son," asked the dad, "how is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid. It seems that I married a nun." "A nun??" his father exclaimed. "That's right. None in the morning, none at night and none unless I beg." The father nodded knowingly, and patted his son on the back. "Why don't we all get together for a nice talk tonight?" Tom's face brightened. "Say Dad, that's a great idea." "Fine. I'll call and tell Mother Superior to set two extra plates."

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John and Jill were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn't for me. "The second way is if a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, then that means he is inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then Jill said, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?" John proceeds to say, "Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

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A Useful 8 Inch Tool This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!




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Because of Hurricane Isabel last week, our store was jam-packed with customers. One of our many Front-End managers in charge, Joann, decided to ask everybody if they needed any change so she wouldn't have to keep running back and forth to the desk. As she passed by my station she asked, "You need any change?" I didn't, so I said "No thanks, Joann; I'm full." Without missing a beat, she says, "Of what?".
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After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?" "Are you kidding me?? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people to do that??"
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We were taking six children on a camping trip. I drove the lead car with our gear, and my husband followed in the station wagon. At a tollbooth, I realized that we hadn't divided the cash supply, and my husband didn't have any money. I paid a double toll, explaining to the woman attendant, "I'm paying for the car behind me. He has all those children and no money." Without cracking a smile, she replied, "Good! Keep him that way."
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In a Barrie, Ont., church bulletin: "The choir will 'disrobe' for the summer months and join us in the pews. Now is a good time to tell them how much you appreciate what they add to our worship
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A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman "can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche. " I'll pay cash!" and starts taking handfuls of tenners out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away. She is back 2 days later - "I want my money back...it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes" she states emphatically. Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she is not driving it properly' He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases. 100yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier. "Can you smell it?" she says. "SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"





Jim was telling his buddy dave about his experiences the last few weeks. He said "Dave I was down at the beach waxin my boat, just waxin my boat Dave and this knockout redhead came by, tits out to here dave, tits out to here!!" She said "can I ride in your boat?" and i said sure, we got in in the lake and I said "screw or swim" and she couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim. The next week I was back just waxin my boat and this blonde came by, I had more wood than my boat when i looked at her. She asked to ride in my boat and I said sure. Out in the lake I said "screw or swim, and she couldn't swim, Dave she couldn't swim" Next week this tall brunette came by and asked to ride in my boat. I had her out in the lake and told her to screw or swim. She started sheddin her clothes and she had a DICK Dave, she had a Dick and I can't swim, Dave I can't swim!!!!!!!
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The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?" Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."
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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat. He orders a drink and looks around to scope out any hot chicks. He spies one at the end of the bar and asks the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender says, "Buddy, you don't want to buy her a drink. She's a waste of time." The guy says, "Waste of time? She's hot." Bartender, "She's a lesbian." Guy, "So, I wanna buy her a drink anyway. Maybe today she'll swing the other way." So the bartender takes the woman a drink and points to the guy who bought it for her. Sure enough, she gets off of her barstool and makes her way down the bar where she takes a seat next to the guy. She seductively says, "Thanks for the drink. Would you like to see my tits?" "Sure!" he says happily. So she pulls her blouse up, and he leans forward and takes a nice long look at her tits. "Would you like to touch my thighs?" she purrs. "Oh, yeah." So she hikes up her skirt and he runs his hands up and down her thighs. Now she gets right in his face and whispers, "Would you like to smell pussy?" "Absolutely." So she puts her finger on his chin and blows in his face.
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Being a virgin, Bob was very nervous about his upcoming wedding night,so he decided to seek the advice of his friend John, who was quite the local Romeo. "Just relax, Bob," counselled John. "After all, you grew up on a farm just do like the dogs do." Right after the honeymoon the bride stormed over to her mother's house in tears and announced that she wasn't going to live under the same roof as Bob for even one more night. "He's totally disgusting!" she wailed. At first Bob's bride resisted her mother's attempts to find out the exact nature of the problem, but finally she broke down. "Ma, he doesn't know anything at all about how to be romantic, how to make love. . . he just keeps smelling my ass and pissing on the bedpost!"


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