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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Tuesday's UUUmmmmm Chuckles



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

She begged and she pleaded for more.
I said, "We've already had four,
And I'm sure that you've heard,
Though its somewhat absurd,
That eros spelt backwards is sore."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Weird Fact:
It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

Weird Fact :
Every three seconds a baby is born somewhere in the world.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Q. Why did the Mexican push his wife off the mountain?
A. Tequila

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Mothers...
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until your father gets home."

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The NAACP sent an agent to Alabama to check the progress in
integration of churches. After a few weeks of checking around,
he called head-quarters to file his report.

"How about the Catholics?" asks his boss.

"The Catholics are doing okay; they got the right idea."

"What about the Methodists?"

"They've come a long way," says the agent. "They're doing just
fine."

"And the Baptists?" asks the boss.

"I just want to know one thing," he says... "When they baptize you,
how long are they supposed to hold you under?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Jill, a rather young miss attending St. Mary's Catholic Girls
School, was sitting on the sidewalk, smoking a cigarette.

Doug, the local priest, walks by and gives her a glare.
"Jill! Smoking at such a young age! Aren't you ashamed?"

"What?" said Jill. "You got something better to do after sex?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from
these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been
governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than
a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting
without your accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do
something about it." ---- Marge Simpson

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure"
---Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right."
---Rush Limbaugh,

"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the
German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee."
--- Regis Philbin

"The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not
dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of
Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink
little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than
sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey
I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989)

"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an
aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to
dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it."
---John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

"I don't know why people were surprised that France
wouldn't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all,
France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"
---Jay Leno

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it
came marching into Paris under a German flag."
--David Letterman

How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him.

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep Franc

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt
pretty good for a while, but as soon as the gum lost
its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An old man went into the Social Security Office and
filled out an application.

He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was
asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed
them the gray hair on his chest.
They accepted that as proof, and give him his first check.

He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and
explained to her what had happened.

She replied, "Well, get back down there, pull down your
pants, and see if you can also get disability!"


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTER

* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut
the door.
* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put
them all up there.

* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be
out alone.

* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never
mature anyway.

* Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so
that you can tell them apart.

* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the
opportunity to make some woman miserable.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PART II ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTER

* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the
do-it-yourself types.

* Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he
is too old for it.

* Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

* The children of Israel wandered around the> desert for
40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

* If he asks what sort of books you're interested in,
tell him checkbooks.
* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell
him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man walks into a bar carrying an octopus under one arm. He walks up to the bar, sits the octopus down atop the bar and looks around to see everyone quite stunned to see an octopus sitting on the bar.

The man clears his throat before stepping up onto the bar and he says, "I'll bet anyone in this bar a hundred dollars that this octopus can play any instrument on the planet."

Of course there are a few stirs and snickers amongst the crowded bar room, and finally a man walks up to the bar and slaps a hundred bucks down on the bar and says, "Play this guitar.."

The octopus picks up the guitar, tunes it to ear before playing a rendition of Derek and the Dominoes "Layla".

The stunned patron walks away as the proud octopus's owner scoops the hundred bucks from the bar top.

Patron after patron comes up slamming down their hundred dollars only to watch the octopus play instrument after instrument; violin, piano, clarinet, etc. Finally a man walks up to the bar and places down a set of bagpipes and much to the bewilderment of the octopus' owner, he octopus just sits there and stares at the bagpipes.

After a few moments, the man says to the octopus, "Well aren't you going to play it?!"

The octopus looks back to the man and says, "Play it hell, I'm trying to find a way to fuck it! !""


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A very genteel Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River
Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared
the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to
jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump,
you dumb ass Yankee."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

A new study says low levels of testosterone in older men
may lead to Alzheimer's disease.

Ironically, in younger men high levels of testosterone
can also render the brain completely useless.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An inebriate says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy
everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37. The
drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few
times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says
(with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't
possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the
benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink
himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living
day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a
drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the
bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else. --Lily Tomlin

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
It's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

"If men liked shopping, they'd call it research."
-- Cynthia Nelms (1846-1911) US social reformer

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Committee
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
2029 news headlines from the year 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's

third language

. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.

. Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

. Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of
the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and
Lebanon)

. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

. France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and
reduces

mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

. 85-years, $758 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight
loss.

.Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

. Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
(Hummmmmmmmm)

. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil
rights.

. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

. Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

. Florida voters still having trouble with voting
machines.


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking
among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question.
His
son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big
suits doing?" One of the astronauts said that they were practicing for
a
trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder
got
all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts
a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NA SA official
accompanying the astronauts said,"Why certainly!" and told an underling
to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elder's comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played
it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly,
but
also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

An official government translator was summoned. After he finally
stopped
laughing, the translator relayed the message:

"WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a
beautiful young woman was waiting for the
bus. She was decked out in a tight leather
mini skirt with matching tight leather boots
and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn
to get on the bus she became aware that her
skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up
to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly
embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver she reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this
would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus
to discover she still could not make the step.
So, a little more embarrassed she once again
reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little more. And for a second time she
attempted the step and once again, much to
her chagrin she could not raise her leg
because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again
unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more
slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind
her in the line picked her up easily from the
waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the
would-be hero, screeching at him "How dare
you touch my body!! I don't even know who
you are!! "

At this the Texan drawled, " Well ma'am, normally
I would agree with you but after you unzipped my
fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Q: After eating a meal at a restaurant, what did the duck say
to the waiter?
A: Put it on my bill.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Mary: Larry and Karen are getting a divorce.
Jill: You're kidding! I thought they had so much in common.
Mary: Actually, that's the problem. They both like pussy.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Wife: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband: You tell a woman something It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. ---Woody Allen

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my Bobby was
lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you
were a fantastic cook as well." "I feel I should warn you, Ray," she
simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour." "But I'm not
doing
anything." he protested. "I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let
you
know how much time you had."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Q. Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A. Because Janet Reno is her real father.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother,
"Mom,
why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,
"Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure." The son thanks his
mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses
white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

My mother never saw the irony in calling me son-of-a-bitch. ---Jack
Nicholson

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

Michael Jackson tried killing himself Wednesday morning by jumping off his boat . The police found him last night bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who
owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?"
The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is
about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure
enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.The Lone Ranger got
water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone
Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and
see
if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down." Tonto
said,
"Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver. Unable to do
anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his
drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
asks,
"Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and
claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him
in
the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

An Alaskan and a Texan met in New York and decided to do the town
together. After many bars they found themselves walking across Brooklyn
Bridge. They decided to stop and relieve themselves. As they were
standing there adding to the pollution, the Texan turned to the Alaskan
and said, "Water's cold!" The Alaskan replied, "Deep too."


..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~

The worst airline disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a
two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon. Rescue
workers have so far uncovered 826 bodies and expect to find more as the
digging continues.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Tips for a happy life:

* Never take a beer to a job interview.

* Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.

* It's considered tacky to take a cooler to
church.

* If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to
change the sheets.

* Even if you're certain that you are included
in the will, it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-HAUL to the funeral home.
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~


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