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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Tue/Wed Funnies

~...~...~...~...~...
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend
to
focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one
such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he
became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach
right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as
he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three."

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men
walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned
and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and
her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a
crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit
more
challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."
Some time later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil
had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked.
Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

~...~...~...~...~...
As a high school football coach, I'm aware that student athletes tend
to
focus too much on sports. Bob, a fellow coach, was talking about one
such player, who called him at home one night.

When his wife informed the kid that Bob wasn't home, he
became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach
right away.

"Just calm down, and I'll have him call you as soon as
he gets home," the coach's wife told him. "What's your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Three."

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men
walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned
and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said,
"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and
her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a
crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit
more
challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."
Some time later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil
had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.
"What happened to this animal?" I asked.
Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of
his
money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and
place
it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he
died,
she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife
was
sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket,
the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she
came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her
friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in
the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with
him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb,
or
an adverb.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't
do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to
everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they
are related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows that eating tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee is perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food and that fried green tomatoes are not.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'... ," you
know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

Only true Southerners ask for "light bread." That means you don't want
cornbread or biscuits.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart"
and go your own way!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Flying

YA, SHURE, YA BETCHA! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN
MINNESNOWTA. ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT DAKOTA, AND MOONTANA. TRY
IT, YOU VILL LIKE IT!



If you are traveling soon, consider Lutheran Air, the no-frills
airline.
You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an
uplifting experience. There is no first class on any Lutheran Air
flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad;
16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert.



Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft. Everyone is
responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by freewill
offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met. Pay
attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you with the
safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599.



Okay then, listen up: I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a
sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised
and so will Captain Olson because we fly right around 2000 feet, so
loss
of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or
something
of that nature, and I wouldn't bother with those little masks on the
rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that.
Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell
out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to
have quite a bit of at 2000 feet ... sort of like driving across a
plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.



In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the
Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to the part about forgive us our
sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say
"trespass against us," which isn't right, but what can you do?



The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because
they may interfere with the plane's navigational system, which is seat
of the pants all the way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in
the wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put
your mouth on the side of your head.



We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with
the coffee pot up front. Then we'll have the hymn sing; hymnals in the
seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours with you when you go or I
am going to be real upset and I am not kidding!



Right now I'll say Grace. "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let these
gifts to us be blest. Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, may we land in
Duluth or pretty close. Amen."
~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*

Divert your course

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October
1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE
DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE
SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

So they nuked their lighthouse right out of the harbor.....

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*



A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull
over.

When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from
his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly
commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!" He then went
to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around she had a
slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh you think that's funny? Watch
this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window
in her car. When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her
tires. Now she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose
it.

He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and
sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is
about to fall down. Ann

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle!"


~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*
Bubba is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis
Philbin.

Regis, "Bubba, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a
friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million
dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Bubba, "Yes."

Regis, "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it
A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."

Bubba, "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Billy Bob."

Billy Bob answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis, "Hello Billy Bob, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a
Millionaire. I have your friend Bubba here who needs your help to answer
the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be
Bubba's..."

Bubba, "Billy Bob, which of the following birds does not build it's own
nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) pigeon."

Billy Bob, "Oh, Bubba. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."

Bubba: "Are you sure?"

Billy Bob "I'm sure."

Regis, " You heard Billy Bob. Do you keep the $500,000 or
play for the million?"

Bubba, "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."

Regis, "Is that your final answer?"

Bubba, "Yes."

Regis "Are you confident?"

Bubba "Yes; I think Billy Bob's pretty smart."

Regis, "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have
just won one million dollars!"

To celebrate, Bubba flies Bubba to New York. That night they
go out on the town. As they're celebrating, Bubba looks at Billy Bob and
asks her, "Tell me, Sugar, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that
does not build its own nest?"

"That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

~~~~*~~~*~~~*~~*~~~*


There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of
his
money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and
place
it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he
died,
she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife
was
sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished
the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket,
the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she
came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her
friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in
the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket
with
him?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb,
or
an adverb.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't
do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to
everybody!

Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they
are related, even if only by marriage.

True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every true Southerner knows that eating tomatoes with eggs, bacon,
grits, and coffee is perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a
breakfast food and that fried green tomatoes are not.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'... ," you
know
you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea
indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea
unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

Only true Southerners ask for "light bread." That means you don't want
cornbread or biscuits.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her
heart"
and go your own way!
*+*+ o enter the
international market. They placed ads in newspapers all over the county
for people who could represent them on a tour. The ad said:

" We're looking for five men in peak physical condition. Must be able
to speak Spanish, French, Chinese, or Japanese. Must be knowledgeable
about weights, aerobics, and at least two major sports."

The day after the ad appeared, a heavy old man of about 70 appeared in
the offices of the fitness club. "I'm here about the ad," Morris said.

The bronzed Adonis behind the desk looked surprised, but decided to be
polite. "Do you speak Spanish or French?" he asked Morris.

"Nope," the old man said.

"Chinese? Japanese?"

"No, both times."

"Know anything about weights or aerobic exercises?"

"Only that I wouldn't be caught dead with either one."

"How about sports?"

"I've never played anything more athletic than checkers."

"I see," the young man said. "Tell me something.
So why did you come here?"

"To tell you personally....to count me out!"

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush
restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old
drunken lady swigging her vodka as she sits alone at
a nearby table, when the wife asks --

"Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took
to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

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