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Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Wednesday is White Trash Day Yea!!!!


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Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of...

"You know you're a redneck when......
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7.You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-room's so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip"
on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of
improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A lawyer was visiting Bangkok. He went to the most exclusive Escort
Agency and asked if he could take Sue-Lin to dinner.

"Yes", said the Madam. It will cost you $100 for Sue-Lin's company. No
sex. And she must be back here at 12 p. m."

Sue-Lin was the most stunningly beautiful Eurasian creature the lawyer
had ever seen. She was delicate, and statuesque with the perfect trim
figure. He wined her and dined her, but before returning her home, he gave her
$1,000.
"This is a gift", he said. Sue-Lin eyes widened and she told him that
he was a wonderful and generous man, and she slipped her hand inside his pants
and gave him the best hand-job he had ever experienced.

Before she left him, he said "Will you have dinner with me again
tomorrow night?" .

"Oh yes, most certainly", she replied." I will cancel all my previous
engagements."

The next night, the lawyer wined and dined Sue-Lin again. He could not
get over her beauty, and at the end of the evening, gave her another $1,000
and said, "Sue-Lin, this is a gift just for you."

Sue-Lin was overcome with gratitude and had a tear in her eye. "You are
the most generous person I have ever met", she said and she lent over and
gave him the most amazing blow-job he had ever experienced.

Before she left him he asked "Sue-lin, would you come to dinner with me
again tomorrow night?"

"Of course I will!", said Sue-Lin. "I will do anything for such a kind,
generous man."

So he wined and dined Sue-Lin again, and this time he invited her back
to her apartment, where he gave her another $1,000. This truly overwhelmed
Sue-Lin. She quickly undressed and fell into the lawyer's arms on the
bed, where they made wild, passionate love until five in the morning in ways
he did not know even existed. Then the lawyer told Sue-Lin that he had to
leave as he was catching a plane for Sydney at seven o'clock that
morning.

"Sydney!", said Sue-Lin. "You didn't tell me you came from Sydney! I
have a sister who lives in Sydney!"

"Yes, I know", said the lawyer. "She is the one who sent you the
$3,000."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A teenage girl walked into a bank with several glass jars filled with quarters. After running them through the automated counting machine, the teller announced, "That came out to $793.75. Tell me, young lady, how long have you been hoarding all those quarters?" "All year," replied the girl, "but my sister whored half of them."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Basketball player Chris Washburn, commenting on his ability
to drive to the basket, "Yeah, I can go to my right and my
left. That's because I'm amphibious."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because
he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was
too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and
forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer
asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even
have an air conditioner."



When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend
to be sane.
---Herman Hesse

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto
wakes
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asks Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically
speaking, it
tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it
appears
to
be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,
it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then
buffalo shit. Someone has stolen tent."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#


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Q: What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A: A wedding!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Q:What do you call two bicycles welded together?
A:Siamese Schwinns.
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Think About It!

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it
in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps
you from enjoying it.
* Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist
change places.
* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
* Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your
life.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size
bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a
public restroom.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* The real reason you can't take it with you is that it goes before you
do.
* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they
were.
* A closed mouth gathers no feet.
* A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone
to blame it on.
* A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through a rainy Saturday with
a television on the blink.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some
willing to let them.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet >>

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It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The
teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to
spell their name out loud.

When she came to a young Pakistani boy and asked his name, he
replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee."

"How do you spell that?" asked the teacher.

"My mother helps me," said the little boy
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
I don't know if you know this, but they are now selling
Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called a DELL SHALOM.
It is selling at such a good price I bought one. Mine
arrived yesterday. There are some important upgrades
and changes from the typical computer you are used to,
such as:

The cursor moves from right to left. It comes with two
hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software) and
one for milchedik (games).

Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error,
my PC now gets "Ferklempt."

The Chanukah screen saver includes "Flying Dreidels."

The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on
Friday evenings.

After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 2
4 hours.

The "Start" button has been replaced with the "Let's go!!
I'm not getting any younger!" button.

When disconnecting external devices from the back of
my PC, I am instructed to "Remove the cable from the
PC's tuchus."

Internet Explorer has a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.

I hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

Microsoft Office now includes, "A little byte of this,
and a little byte of that."

When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear
a loud "Oy Gevalt!"


After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes "Schloffen."

Computer viruses can now be cured with some
matzo ball chicken soup.

If you decide not to shut down the computer in the
prescribed manner, the following message appears:
"You should be ashamed of yourself."

When Spellchecker finds an error it prompts,
"Is this the best you can do?"

When I look at erotic images, my computer says,
"If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

And best of all, if you have a kosher computer,
you can't get Spam.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you,
is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone
call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be
as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went
something like this:

(swallowing)
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.

At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much
to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting.

Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours
a
day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute
but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir
that's right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That's right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
AT&T: We think so!
Me: That's quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
check, can I get a cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and
$52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making
payment.

AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
10
cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind
of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in
the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on
me.

AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to
eat
while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and
while I have a mouth full of food:

Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a
minute program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
that I could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who
was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to
end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
up for our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never
have
enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a
little brother...
AT&T: (click)
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

4 Comments:

At June 15, 2006 7:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
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different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
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and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
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At June 15, 2006 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At June 15, 2006 8:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 
At June 15, 2006 9:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

 

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