Well if Blogger will Play
If blogger will work a wee bit you will get the following post.
There was a thirteen-year-old boy who was taken to the dentist's office for his annual checkup. The dentist discovered some problems, and decided he could handle the situation right then and there. The boy said that it was ok with him -- the mother agreed with him -- and the dentist started in. At first, he was causing some bleeding. The mother started to get a little bit unnerved. However, the nurse said, "It's ok to cry." The boy groaned a bit from the pain, but held fast. The mother was acting like she would faint, so the nurse brought her a chair to sit down. After the dentist finished working on her son, Mom said, "Didn't you hear the nurse when she said it was ok to cry?" The boy said, "Yes, Mom, I heard her... but I thought she was talking to you!"
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy. "I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave. "Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown." I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?" "Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"
There is no woman you don't want to have sex with, just some you don't want anyone to know you had sex with.
On vacation my nine-year-old son Ryan and I were at the pool, where two attractive women wearing skimpy bikinis were sunning themselves.
I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when they got up to leave, and Ryan watched them particularly closely.
Then he turned to me and asked, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour
the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal
family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their
professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer. One day Richard
ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the
batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy
more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that
he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the
storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him by
saying, "It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst. "
It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise
and fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and
mini skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in
the spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The
advice to the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the
heights of their thighs!"
A shark encountered a squid that was not feeling well. The squid
defended himself by saying, " If you eat me, you will also fall ill.
" The shark offered to tow the ailing squid to a doctor, but on the
way they met up with another shark. Whereupon the towing shark
cried, "Hi, Jim, Here's the sick squid I owe you.?
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone. One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr. Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached. I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."
Joe woke himself up with a loud "Hello!" to someone in his dream. As the next day came and went, Joe thought the nocturnal outburst was his alone to remember. But that night, as he and Margaret were getting ready for bed, she said dryly, "If you see anyone you know tonight, just wave."
Hello, Animal Control?" the excited spinster said into the phone. "I need some officers here right away. There are 30 dogs on my front lawn. "I see." said the dispatcher. "Can you tell if any of them are mad?" "Well," she said "28 of them are. The other two are busy eating the postman and they won't share.."
At the pub, a little blond guy exchanged words with a big bald guy, and it looked like they were about to go to blows. "You've got a lot of nerve for such a shrimp!" snarled the big guy. "Look, you big jerk," barked the little blond guy. "I'm not scared of anybody, or anything! I come from a long line of jumpers. My great-grandfather jumped with no parachute from a balloon. My grandfather jumped without a 'chute from a biplane. My mother and father both jumped from a jet. And tomorrow, *I* jump from a rocket!" "You're crazy, you little twerp," said the big guy. "You could get killed!" "So what?" said the little blond guy. "I have no family!"
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door and there sits their police car, lights still flashing. True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.