White Trash Today
Mr. Ed's Simple E-Mail Bracket Stripper
MIDI'S Billy`s OldTime BallRoom
E. Coli Salad Warning Via Myron
All About Thunderstorms
U.S. Citizenship Exam
Medevil Pick-up Lines
- "Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight
could scabbard his sword, would you?"
- "Been there, slain that."
- "What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this?"
- "They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."
- "When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only
thing they stretched."
- "Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my
sleeping chambers floor."
- Wench: "What's that sound?" Knight: "That's just the sound of my
chain mail drawers expanding."
- "Thou hast hit on me harder than the black plague!"
- "Your hovel or mine?"
- "Pardon me, madam, but wouldeth thou like to see my long sword in
- "Dost thou practice safe hex?"
- "Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic
- "I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my
- "You should be glad I'm not a Viking."
- "You would have been ravaged and plundered by now."
- "I lost my leg in battle. Guess what I'm walking on!"
- "Yes, fair maiden, I am indeed a wizard. Shall I make your clothes
- "You won't believe this but St. George just appeared to me in a
vision and told me that I must bed you...the fate of England depends
is on it!!"
- "I'm really a prince cursed by an evil witch. Tell me, do you have
sex with frogs?"
- "My! But you are a beautiful damsel in distress! Allow me to help
you out of it."
- "I've been VERY NAUGHTY. You'll have to put me in the stocks
and...er...PUNISH me, now won't you?"
- "You know, I was once imprisoned in a tower very much like
Repunnzel. Only it wasn't my hair that the queen asked me to let
- "I may not be a priest, but I can get you to heaven, m'lady."
- "C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day
keeps the black plague away."
- "I seem to have lost my sex slave, can I borrow you for a bit?"
The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her
attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the
On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every
night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts
The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will
file your petition," .
"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard
sandpaper his dick!"
Have you anything to say or yourself," the judge said to the hard-
bitten defendant after hearing the case.
"Fuck all," muttered the defendant.
"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard
The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'fuck all!'
That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."
19 Things NOT to say to the police officer
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish
high school instead.
9. I pay your fucking salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one
of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb
to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how
far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal
and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger
comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100
"No, not worth it!"
"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"
"No, not worth it!"
"No, not worth it!"
"How about 10?"
"No, not worth it!"
"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not
"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."
One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma.
They were both naked. Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy,
what's that?" Fred says, "Th-that's...um...that's daddy's rock." A
little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's
vagina. "What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh..that..that's mommy's
rock grinder." All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it!
Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles
A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he
noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter. He
went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam." She smiled pleasantly
and asked "And what would you like?" The man said, "I'd like to wrap
my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and
down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner
thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood,
I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse
with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your
nipples lightly . . . . What I *need* is a new tie!"
A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your
wildest dreams. You and Daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury
for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my
Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass. Day
and night, that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
Chili Cook Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope foryou. I was crying by the end (me, too! One of my favorites!!). Note: Pleasetake time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the thirdjudge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know howtrue this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloweencomes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the SanAntonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank,who was visiting from Springfield, IL Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chilicook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and Ihappened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions tothe Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the othertwo judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so Iaccepted."Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You couldremove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flamesout. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'msupposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted togive me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they sawthe look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feelslike I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get memore beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backboneis in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge# 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or othermild foods not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scrapingacross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn outtaste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT. just like this nuclear waste I'meating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, addingconsiderable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef,could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strongstatement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and Ican no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me neededparamedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilihad given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouringbeer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance ofspices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it willeat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except thatSally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend with a snowcone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worriedabout Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursinguncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and Iwouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds likeit is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. Atleast during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stopbreathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I needair, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too boldbut spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry isa good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of itwas lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chilipot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller,wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3 - No Report
The above is a totally Chocolate Car.
A woman army driver, after a long drive arrived at her destination, a
remote camp, at midnight. The sergeant on duty showed her where to
leave the vehicle, and then said,"Where will you sleep tonight?"
She said, "Well, the only thing I could do is to sleep in the cab."
The sergeant thought for a moment and said, "It's a cold night, tell
you what, you can have my bunk if you like, I'll sleep on the floor."
The girl eagerly accepted the offer. After the girl turned in, she
felt sorry for the sergeant sleeping there on the cold hard floor,
and offered him to squeeze in alongside of her on the bunk.
Without much ado, the sarge got in and then said, "Do you want to
sleep single or married?"
The girl giggled and said, "It'd be nice if we slept 'married', don't
"Well okay, if that's what you want, we'll sleep 'married' then," he
said turning his back on her and fell asleep.
My daughters and I had just moved into Building D in a large
apartment complex. Soon afterward, we gave a "ladies only" lingerie-
sales party for my daughters' friends. The party was well under way
when there was a knock at the door. The young man standing there got
a glimpse of attractive young women modeling bikinis and nightgowns,
and his eyes widened. "A friend told me there might be a rental in
Building G," he stammered. I told him he had the wrong address and
gave him directions.
A minute later I heard a tentative knock. It was the same young man.
"Are there any vacancies in this building?" he asked.
A woman from Iran moves to America and is living in a large apartment
complex. She knocks on her neighbor's door and says (in your best
Iranian woman accent) "You would be excusing me but you can tell me
where you go in your country to buy food?" And the neighbor
says, "Yeah, we got to these places called supermarkets. In fact, I'm
headed there now if you'd like to go along." The Iranian woman
says, "Oh yes, that would be very nice." So they're in the market in
the produce department and the Iranian woman picks up two large
russet potatoes and says, "You know, these would be reminding me of
my husband's testicles." To which the American woman looks down and
exclaims, "Oh my God, your husband's balls are that big?!" The woman
from Iran laughs and says, "Oh no, no, no, they're not this big, but
they are this dirty!"