White Trash Wednesday Overload
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Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He
looks into his small bowl... it is empty. "Who's been eating my
porridge?!!", he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
into his big bowl, and it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my Porridge?!! "he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells "For cryin' out loud, how many times do we have to
go through this with you idiots?
It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke
everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it
was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and
put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold
early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who
set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the cat out,
cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish.
And, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-bottoms
downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy
presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one time.
I HAVEN'T EVEN MADE THE DARN PORRIDGE YET !!!
Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are
looking down on events in Iraq.
Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I
would definitely have conquered India."
Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of
Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter
There is a long pause as the three continue to watch events. Then
Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known
that I lost the Russia campaign."
There was a thirteen-year-old boy who was taken to the dentist's
office for his annual checkup. The dentist discovered some problems,
and decided he could handle the situation right then and there.
The boy said that it was ok with him -- the mother agreed with him
and the dentist started in. At first, he was causing some bleeding.
The mother started to get a little bit unnerved. However, the nurse said,
"It's ok to cry."
The boy groaned a bit from the pain, but held fast. The mother
was acting like she would faint, so the nurse brought her a chair to sit
After the dentist finished working on her son, Mom said, "Didn't
you hear the nurse when she said it was ok to cry?"
The boy said, "Yes, Mom, I heard her... but I thought she was
talking to you!"
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving
and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a
robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the
party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence
and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and
finally decides to drive home.
When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to
tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has
been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X
lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies
that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have
his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They
insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the
door and there sits their police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The
prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of
"Objection!" said the defence attorney. "Irrelevant!"
"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't
mind answering the question."
"I object!" the defence said again.
"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."
The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no
reason for the defence to object."
So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of
The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know."
Being Irish means...
* you will never play professional basketball
* you swear very well
* you think you sing very well
* you have no idea how to make a long story short
* you are very good at playing a lot of very bad
* there isn't a huge difference between losing
your temper and killing someone
* much of your food was boiled
* you spent a good portion of your childhood
* you're strangely poetic after a few beers
* you're poetic a lot
* you will be punched for no good reason.
* some punches directed at you are legacies from
* your sister will punch you because your brother
* many of your sisters are Catherine, Elizabeth
or Mary...and one is Mary Catherine Elizabeth
* someone in your family is incredibly cheap it
is more than likely you
* you don't know the words but that doesn't stop
you from singing
* you can't wait for the other guy to stop
talking so you can start talking
* "Irish Stew" is the euphemism for "boiled
leftovers from the fridge"
* you're not nearly as funny as you think you
are, but what you lack in talent, you make up for
* there wasn't a huge difference between your
last wake and your last kegger party
* you are, or know someone, named "Murph"
* if you don't know Murph, then you know "Flah"
* you are genetically incapable of keeping a
* your parents were on a first name basis with
everyone at the local emergency room.
Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a
disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some
tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:
~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to
the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking
and saying, "I told you so."
~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.
~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead
~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped
crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either
to the right or the left.
~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a
majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not
come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-
of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and
work in doorways.
~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business
days before a major earthquake strikes.
~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a
table, or your boss.
~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and
part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on
how grossly you've wasted your life.
On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded
by her family, when she suddenly realized she had forgotten to purchase
shoes for the day. She panicked.
Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her
wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately, they
a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over, Sophie's
were in agony.
When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could
think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Royal Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and
they roughly heard what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the
occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say, "God, that was tight."
"There," whispered the Queen. "I told you she was a virgin."
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. "Right. Now for the
other one," followed by more grunting and straining, and at last Edward
said "My God. That was even tighter."
"That's my boy," said the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
Little Johnny was playing in his room
when his dad walked in and explained
that he and his mom were getting a divorce.
"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little
"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother
and I are no longer in love."
Now more confused, Little Johnny asked,
"What does being in love mean?"
The father explained, "Let me give you
an example, son. Love is when a husband
rushes home from a long day at work to
embrace and kiss his wife at the door.
Your mom and I have lost that love..."
Then little Johnny said, "But Daddy,
I see Mommy getting excited lots of times
right when you come home, so she must
still be in love with you."
The father was rather confused with his son's
statement since he had personally never
experienced this as of late. "I don't understand,
son. When has your mother recently been
excited when I arrive home from work?"
Little Johnny replied, "Well, sometimes when
Mommy is still playing in bed with the neighbor,
and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at
the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home!
My husband's home!!'"
The difference between George Washington,Richard Nixon and Clinton is:
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't
tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.
An Ode To Women !
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the chequebook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score
I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch
I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!
A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions
before heading to town to do chores.
"That fellow from the city will be along this afternoon to
inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right
stall so you'll know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that his wife could understand the instructions,
the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the 'Inseminator' arrives, and the wife
dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the
stall with the nail. "This is the cow right here," she tells him.
"What's the nail for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife, "I guess its to hang up your pants."
The Donkey In The Well
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried
piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each
grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first,
the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to
everyone's amazement, he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well, and was
astonished at what he saw. As every shovel of dirt hit his back,
the donkey did something amazing. He would shake it off and take a
step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on
top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed, as the donkey stepped up over
the edge of the well and trotted off.
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick
to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest
wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take
a step up!
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
O.K., that's enough of that B.S. ... The donkey later came back,
caught the farmer out in the field and kicked the shit out of him.
Then he went over to each of his neighbors farms and kicked the
shit out of them too for helping.
The REAL Moral:
When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to Heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
For That Someone You Special...
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,
and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between your eyes
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space
I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"