Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Aint That The Truth

Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..

and then you add eggs
and sugar...

and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?


Y ou know darned well where it went!

That's what makes the cake

Stick to your BUTT

Ain't it the Truth!!!

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.

The nurse starts with certain basic items.

"How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"115," she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale.

It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 8," she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure

And tells the woman it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" she screams,

"When I came in here I was tall and slender!

Now I'm short and fat!"

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.

The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,

"How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"


8:00 a.m. Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9:30 a.m. Wow! A car ride! This is a blast!

9:40 a.m. A walk in the park! Ate some crap...Delicious!

10:30 a.m. Getting rubbed and petted! I'm in love!

12:00 p.m. Lunch! Dog food! My favorite again!

1:00 p.m. Playing in the yard! I just love it!

3:00 p.m. Staring adoringly at my masters...they're
the best! I'll wag my tail in joy! I'm so happy!!

4:00 p.m. Hooray! The kids are home! I'm
bouncing off the walls!

5:00 p.m. Milkbones! Yummy!

7:00 p.m. Get to play ball! This is too good to be true!

8:00 p.m. Wow! Watching TV with my master! Heavenly!

11:00 p.m. Sleeping at the bottom of my master's
bed! Life is soooooooo great! I love these people!!


Day 683 of My Captivity:

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates
and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although
I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up
my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my
dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomited on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless
body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into
their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am
capable of. However, they merely made condescending
comments about what a ''good little hunter'' I am. The
audacity!! There was some sort of assembly of their
accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement
for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
noise and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement
was due to my power of "allergies." I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to
assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around
his feet as he was walking. I must try this again
tomorrow-- but at the top of the stairs! I hate
these humans!

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are
flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly
released--and he seems more than willing to return!
He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an
informant-- I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every
move. The captors have arranged protective custody
for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe........ for now!


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