One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when
I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
Not more than five minutes later,
I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart. "
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks
his help to revive her husband's sex drive.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
'Not a chance,' says Mrs. Murphy. 'He won't
even take an aspirin for a headache.'
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it
into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try
it and come back in a week to let me know
how you got on.''
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor
and he inquires as to how things went.
'Oh it was terrible, just terrible, Doctor.'
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it
in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He
jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off
the table, at the same time ripping my
clothes off and then proceeded to make
passionate love to me on the tabletop.
It was terrible.'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor.
'Was the sex not good?''
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had
in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my
face in McDonald's again.'
An English professor told her students that
there would be no excuse for not showing
up for their final exam, except for serious
injury, illness, or a death in the student's
A smartass jock in the back of the room asked,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled
sympathetically at the student, shook her head,
and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."
TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F' WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
> #10 -- "Scattered F___ing showers, my ass!" - Noah 4314 BC
> # 9 - "How the f___did you work that out?" Pythagorus, 126 BC
> # 8 - "You want THAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelango, 1568
> # 7 - "Where did all those f__ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
> # 6 - "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
> # 5 - "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhard, 1937
> # 4 - "Any f___ing idiot could understand that!" - Einstein, 1938
> # 3 - "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945
> # 2 - "I need this parade like I need a f___ing hole in my head!" -
> # 1 - "Aw c'mon, who the f___ is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,
"You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the
water in the toilet rises."
A company president who had been given tickets for the performance of
Schubert's Unfinished Symphony couldn't attend, so he passed them to his
Total Quality Management consultant. The next morning, when the president
asked the consultant if he had enjoyed the concert, he was handed the
1. For considerable periods, the four oboe players had nothing to do. The
number should be reduced and their work spread over the whole orchestra,
thus eliminating peaks of activity.
2. All of the 12 violins were playing identical notes. This seemed
unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be cut
3. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that
had already been played by the strings. If all such redundant passages were
eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
4. If Schubert had attended to these matters, he would probably have been
able to finish his symphony after all.
A Lesson in Logic:
First we state that girls require time and money:
Girls = Time x Money
As we all know, "time is money:
Time = Money
Girls = Money x Money = (Money)2
And because "money is the root of all evil":
Money = ¬/¯Evil
Girls = (¬/¯Evil)2
And we are forced to conclude that:
Girls = Evil
Did you hear what happened?" Jim asked when he saw me walking down the
hallway at work.
"Hear what" I asked, my curiosity peaked.
"The regional vice president died this morning!"
"What?!" I asked, totally stunned. "What happened?"
"He was working through lunch when he had a heart attack," Jim began
explaining. "Everyone was gone except his secretary. You know the
"Boy do I. She's that young blonde babe."
"Yeah that's the one. Turns out she isn't too smart, though."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He kept yelling at her to 'call 9 1 1'. She just stood there waiting
for him to give her the rest of the phone number."
Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each
other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their
relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper
and turns to the Obits page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the
column. He realizes that the query or info on him by the local newspaper
several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly
surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up
Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page
"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning
already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where
are you calling me from right now?"
Thibodeaux's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher
had the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all
turned in, the teacher called one of the Thibodeau youngsters up to her
desk and scolded him. "This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for
word, the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?"
He replies, "Mais, no Ma'am, it's about de same dog!"
Can you pass the test to become a US
Citizen? Here is an excerpt from the test for citizenship---to test your
citizenship worthiness. Good luck! The answers are listed at the end of
the email .....
1. What do the stripes on the flag mean?
a) They represent the 13 original colonies
b) They represent each of the people who signed the Declaration of
c) They represent the battles fought for United States independence
2. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
3. What are the three branches of our government?
a) Legislative, executive, and judicial
b) Legislative, parliamentary, judicial
c) Executive, legislative, parliamentary
4. What did the Emancipation Proclamation do?
a) It ordered that Pilgrims be freed from British oppression
b) It ordered that slaves in rebel territory be freed
c) It allowed citizens of the United States to claim land
5. Who becomes president of the United States if the president and the
vice president should die?
a) The secretary of state
b) The attorney general
c) The Speaker of the House of Representatives
6. Which countries were our principal allies during World War II?
a) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, Italy, France
b) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Italy, China, France
c) United Kingdom, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Russia, China, France
7. What is the 49th state of the Union (United States)?
c) New Mexico
8. How many Supreme Court justices are there?
9. What is the national anthem of the United States?
a) "America the Beautiful"
b) "This Land is Your Land"
c) "The Star-Spangled Banner"
10. In what year was the Constitution written?
11. What is the name of the ship that brought the Pilgrims to America?
Answer Key: 1) a, 2) c, 3) a, 4) b, 5) c, 6) c, 7) a, 8) a, 9) c, 10) c,
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with
the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:
~Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, but
I only slept with you, because I was pissed
~I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
~Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty And so is your head.
~Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
~Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not
~I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
~I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
~My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
~I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
~My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
~What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
A New Yorker was being shown around the back country of Louisiana by his
cousin. "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a
flashlight?" he asked.
The cousin smirked, "Depends on how fast ya carry it."
<> Idealism: Happy Birthday.
<> Capitalism: I shopped all day for your birthday.
<> Atheism: I can't believe it's your birthday.
<> Hinduism: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?
<> Taoism: It's everybody's birthday.
<> Buddhism: If your birthday party was held in the forest
and nobody came... would it make a sound?
<> Existentialism: Your birthday means nothing to me.
<> Sarcasm: You don't look half bad for someone twice your age
A well to do mystery lover takes his place in a theater for opening
night, but his seat is way far from the stage.
The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery,
and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play.
However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the
play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! Do
you think you can get me a better seat? The usher nods and says he will
be back shortly.
Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in
the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three
minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call
window and snatches it up.
Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow
me." The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points
out the empty seat in the middle.
"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer.
"This seat is perfect."
He then hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The
butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."
The teacher said, "Now class, we know their are 60 seconds in a minute,
60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 365 days in a year, so who
can tell me how many seconds there are in a year?"
All the kids looked baffled by the question except Little Johnny, who
raised his hand and waved it excitedly. The teacher said, "Johnny, how
many seconds are there in a year?"
Little Johnny said, "Twelve . . . January second, February second, March
second . . ."
Morris was able to get rid of one of those telephone
marketers not long ago. The marketer called and was in the middle of
giving her spiel about saving money on long-distance.
Morris interrupted her, "Sweetheart, I don't need your long distance
service because I don't have a telephone." He must have caught her off
guard because she said, "Oh, I'm sorry to have bothered you."
As Bill grew old, physicians greatly restricted his activities, and it
irked him enormously. A nurse had been hired to tend to his needs as he
had now been confined to total bed rest.
"Nurse, I would like to do some reading," Bill said.
"Fine," the nurse replied, "What kind of reading would you like? A
magazine, a book?"
"Well with the way the doctors have limited my activities," he replied,
"Why don't you just bring me a postage stamp."