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Monday, July 31, 2006

Click and Comment Monday



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Jewish

Morris a young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play
football. At the end of the season, he returned home.
As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the
airport. The rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert
you at Notre Dame?"
The youngster said, "Of course not, Father!"
---------------------------
You know you grew up Jewish when:
You've had at least one female relative who drew
eyebrows on her face that were always asymmetrical.
You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone
calls roast beef "brisket".
Your family dog responds to complaints uttered in
Yiddish.
Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent
visiting your grandparents.
You've experienced the phenomena of 50 people fitting
into a 10 footwide dining room hitting each other with
plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.
You thought pasta was the stuff used exclusively for
kugel and kasha and bowties.
You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday
night.
You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of
seven.
You never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in
one of 5 standard suffixes.
You were surprised to find out that wine doesn't
always taste like year-old cranberry sauce.
You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green.
You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it.
You know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and
use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly
know what they mean. Kenahurra.
You have at least one ancestor who is related to your
spouse's ancestor.
You grew up thinking it's normal for someone to shout
"Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom
door if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes.
You have at least six male relatives named David or
Aaron.
Your grandparent's furniture smelled like mothballs
and was as comfortable as sitting on sandpaper.
You thought that speaking loud was normal.
Your mother smacked you and then made you feel guilty
for hurting her hand.
Your body was saturated with Vicks, over the years.
You thought whitefish salad and lox were the
quintessential party foods.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

You Know You Are In Trouble When:

- A copy of your birth certificate comes in the
mail marked Null And Void.

- The department of biological warfare ask for
your stew recipe.

- Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.

- You have to borrow the down payment.

- You get a ticket for littering every time you
park your car.

- You can't afford to drive your new car.

- It takes you three hours to make minute rice.

- You're so bored you play hide & seek alone.

- The fortune teller charges you half price.

- People give you the senior citizen discount
and you're only 37.

- The 30 % chance of rain is already up to
your knees.

- The principal of your school calls and asks
to speak with your father.

- Your wife's dog is allergic to you.

- Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves
you at the kennels.

- You find a note on the table instead of supper.

- Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.

- The bride's family throws rocks instead of rice.

- Your new bride fixes you a peanut butter & jelly
sandwich for breakfast.

- Sunday dinner is a peanut butter & jelly sandwich
and you have leftovers all week.

- Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a
picket sign.

- Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

- Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.

- All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.

- Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection,
plastic.

- The house is messy again before you can finish
cleaning.

- Your fiance thinks formal attire means tucking
his shirt tail in.
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Creative Writing

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's
say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in
character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in
1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus,
showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the
words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885.
Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton
detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply
crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image
processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business
empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and
intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he
devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility,
finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887,
he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned
Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an
important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which
he was standing collapsed."




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Bubba statistics
An Florida couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed".
The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make that decision; why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican, and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. (Thanks Gayle)

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Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." But my wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.
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Weird Fact :
China is the world's oldest known continuous civilization.

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After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas'
pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an
S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the
salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of
pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde
seems to have a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman
then asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde promptly replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very
small - what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, but they
are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But miss, computers do not
need curtains!"

The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo! I've got Windoooooows!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
New Jersey

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey
driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by
somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have
of getting hit.

4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one
expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork,
especially with PA, NY or DE plates. With no insurance, the other
operator probably has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal
violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to
strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good
way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and
are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour.

9 Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or
move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams
behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an or even
someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the
victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home
of high-speed slalom-driving , thanks to the Department of
Transportation, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers'
reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front
of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing
your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead
of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute.
This gesture should always be returned.

Thank You,
The New Jersey Division of Motor Vehicles



Just the other day James Watt attempted to call James Brown, to
finalize
plans for a construction job he was scheduled to do for Mr. Brown.

Unfortunately he dialled the number wrong and a man named William Knott
answered.

"Who's calling?" was the answer to the telephone.

"Watt."

"What is your name, please?"

"Watt's my name."

"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"

"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."

A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"

"No, this is Knott."

"Please tell me your name."

"Will Knott."

Whereupon they both hung up.

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Man's Answers To Every Question A Woman Ever Asks


1. Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men
suffer
from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of
a
male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the
bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.
We're just misunderstood.


2. Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you?
Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women
take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack
this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as
we
can.


3. Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.
It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added
bonus.


4. Why do men always say such stupid things?
We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner
frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.


5. Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it
you get into trouble with your partner.

6. Why can't men just share their feelings?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men
and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when
we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme
emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no
idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure
out how I feel.


7. Why can't men cuddle more (IE lie down and hug)?
Please... How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you
as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying
around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam...
Starve
in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for
hours
on end on the other hand is a whole other story.


8. How can men sit on their asses all day without moving?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution
that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting
tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot
for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more
successful
hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time
thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types
were
all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that
almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.


9. Why can't men just say "I LOVE YOU?"
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self sufficient. To say
that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men
consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own
character faults.


10. Why do men say "I LOVE YOU" when they hardly know me?
Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire
way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite
well.


11. Why doesn't my partner ever answer me?
We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your
questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not
like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other
things.


12. Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know
darn well you'll pick it up.


13. What's with all the belching and farting?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let
you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's
actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods
of time gives us stomach cramps.


14. Why do men hate shopping?
It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go
out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to
look at things we have no intention of killing? Err...... buying? I
HAVE
TO REALLY AGREE WITH THIS, WHAT A WASTE OF TIME.

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