Monday, July 17, 2006

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A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist:

"Hello, could you give me condom.

My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting
something from me!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going
out, he returns and tells him:

"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute
too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she
sees me and I think she expects something from me too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving
he turns back and says:

"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is
still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions...
and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting
something from me!!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his
left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad
gets there, the boy lowers his he ad and starts praying: "Dear Lord,
bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!"

A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your

Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head
down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend
even more than the others.

She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know
you were so religious!!!"

The boy replies: "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

Well, it's not really a midlife crisis,
but here's how things worked out for me.
Married 32 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 32 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but
I got to sleep every night with a hot 20 year old. Now we have a
nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm
sleeping with a 52 year old woman.You're not holding up your
side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 20 year old blond to sleep with
and she would see to it that I would once again live in a cheap apartment,
drive a cheap car, sleep on a sofa bed, and watch a 10 inch black and white TV.
A little boy and his father were walking outside when the father
took out a can of chewing tobacco and took a chew. The little boy
said "Daddy, can I have some too?"
The dad looked down at his son and said "Is your pecker long enough
to reach your asshole, son?"
The little boy replied "No, daddy, it's not."
The father said "Well then I guess you can't have any."
Later, that night after dinner, the old man lit up a cigar. The little
boy said "Daddy, can I have one too?"
The dad looked down at his son and said "Is your pecker long enough
to reach your asshole, son?"
The little boy replied "No, daddy, it's not."
The father said "Well then I guess you can't have one."
The boy went into the kitchen and got himself some cookies that
Grandma had made for him. His father walked in and saw him eating
the cookies and said "Wow son, those cookies sure look good."
The boy said "Yep, they sure are!"
Then the dad said, "Do you think your old man could have one of them
The boy looked up at his dad and said "Is your pecker long enough to
reach your asshole, Daddy?"
The dad laughed and said "Yes, son. Yes it is."
"Good," said the boy "Go @#*+ yourself - Grandma made these
cookies for me!"

* The official name for Silly Putty is "Dow Corning Dilatant Compound

* "M*A*S*H" was the first studio film to use the "f" word.

* At one time, Baskin Robbins made ketchup ice cream.

* It's against the law to ride a tricycle faster than 10 m.p.h. in
Vancouver, Canada.

* Casanova contracted his first venereal disease in adolescence and
the pox, gonorrhea, "Celtic humors" and other venereal diseases
throughout his life.

* The only U.S. city that can be spelled entirely with vowels is Aiea,

* Rembrandt painted more than 50 portraits of himself.

* The largest religious building in the world is a Hindu temple,
Angkor Wat, in Cambodia.

* There is just one Q in a Scrabble game.

* The Pentagon, located in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many
bathrooms as it needs. When it was built, in the 1940s, Virginia still
had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks
and whites.

* The average American drinks about 600 sodas a year.
Weird Fact :
Serving ice cream on cherry pie was once illegal in Kansas.
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by "Lucille". He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. "She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. "She leaves her name" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. "How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. "L-O-W C-E-L-L"
At night court, a man was brought before the judge.

The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."

The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."

The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job. The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided. You will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.". The young man said, "You're bullshitting me, man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"
Q. What's the difference between dark and hard? A. It stays dark all night.
The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed that the pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

Secrets To Happy Marriage 1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a generous woman who makes a high income. 3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have wild sex. 4. It is very, very important that these three women never meet!
The veterinarian told the blonde that her dog needed some exercise. You need to make sure the dog runs around, the doctor said. Try playing a game of fetch the ball. "I can't play fetch with my dog," the blonde said. "Why not?" the doctor asked. "Because," she replied, "He can't throw, duh."
"I understand, Doctor, that many husbands snore," said the young wife, "but you've got to help me stop mine. He's a ventriloquist and snores on both sides of me at the same time!"

Guy and girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to
each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go
back to his place to continue. Once there, they get passionate
and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds
the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers of the
bed, waiting for the guy who is now coming out of the bathroom.
The guy walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts
on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker
and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for, are you
some kinda pervert?"

He looks at at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy.
She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief
at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.
She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line
somewhere baby...."
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle
of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my
husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce.
My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!!"

Why did God make man first? He didn't want Eve standing around telling him how to make a man.

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Havana, Cuba. 500,000 Cubans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troopers to help the Cuban army control the riots. The European community is sending food and money. Miami is sending 500,000 replacement Cubans


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