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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Dumping the Trash for Wed



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Nuns

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his
office.

This is how their conversation went:

"Sister, I want to show you something."

"What is it, Father?

"Come into my private room & close the blinds."

"WHAT?!"

"I said....."

"I heard what you said - I just can't believe you're saying it!"

"Well, I really need you to come in."

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

"Here, sit on the bed beside me."

"I have to get out of here."

"Aren't you the least bit curious?"

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

"Get under the covers."

"WHAT?????!!!!!"

The nun was really freaking out.

"It doesn't work otherwise!"

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: "Come closer."

Nervously, she does get closer.

"See," the priest whispers gleefully, "my new watch does glow in the
dark!!!!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Marine General's inspection visit could not have gone better. The
General himself was personally skilled with firing weapons and, in the
past, had won every marksman award the Marines had to offer. While
working with one Marine, the General quizzed him how many rounds should
be fired at one time. "SIR! Six to eight, SIR." "Very good, Marine. How
do you calibrate that weapon to fire six to eight rounds?" The Marine
hesitated a little bit, then said, "SIR! Would you be offended if I told
you how we calibrate our weapons when I was in the Fleet Marine Force?"
"No, of course not, son." "SIR! We pull the trigger and say, 'Die,
mother fucker, die,' as it takes 6 to 8 rounds to say that
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When I lived in an apartment complex, a good
friend of mine lived there also and decided
it was time for her to get a boob job. Since
I'd been through it, she asked me to go with
her.

Everything went well, and that summer we were
both at the pool getting some sun.

One of the regular guys in our group, who'd
had his eye on my girlfriend for some time,
said to me, "There's something different about
your friend this year, but I can't quite put
my finger on it."

After I finished laughing, I said, "And you
probably never will either!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




Right outside her front door, my mother-in-law had a thermometer that never seemed to tell the correct temperature. One chilly day, we all noticed that the thermometer, which was in direct sunlight, read a balmy 72 degrees. "Mom," my wife suggested without thinking, "you should stick the thing where the sun doesn't shine."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter holiday..
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
gain "Man my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET
COLD?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
CINDERELLA wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.

"Where have you been?"demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"

Cinderella replied, "I can't remember, exactly, Peter, Peter, something or other..."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.

A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face screaming, "Lie you little squirt, LIE!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Did you know .Captain Hook died from jock itch.






+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
In the movie "Roxanne," Steve Martin played a fireman with a big
nose. After a man in a bar makes a wisecrack about his nose, Steve
Martin claims he can do better than that. He's challenged to come up
with 20 and ends up coming out with 25! Here they are in their full
glory:

1. Obvious: Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?

2. Meteorological: Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.

3. Fashionable: You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you
wore something larger. Like Wyoming.

4. Personal: Well, here we are. Just the three of us.

5. Punctual: Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were
fifteen minutes late.

6. Envious: Ooooh, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your
own ear.

7. Naughty: Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you
wouldn't mind putting that thing away.

8. Philosophical: You know. It's not the size of a nose that's
important. It's what's in it that matters.

9. Humorous: Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and it's
goodbye Seattle.

10. Commercial: Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for
$39.95.

11. Polite: Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra
keeps changing tempo.

12. Melodic: Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose."

13. Sympathetic: Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with
God?

14. Complimentary: You must love the little birdies to give them this
to perch on.

15. Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides.

16. Obscure: Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.

17. Inquiry: When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid?

18. French: Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles
until you leave.

19. Pornographic: Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once.

20. Religious: The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He!

21. Disgusting: Say, who mows your nose hair.

22. Paranoid: Keep that guy away from my cocaine!

23. Aromatic: It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and
smell the coffee... in Brazil.

24. Appreciative: Oooo, how original. Most people just have their
teeth capped.

25. Dirty: Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two newlyweds arrive at the honeymoon suite on their wedding
night. The groom says,

"Honey, I've got a confession to make...I'm addicted to golf! I
have to be out on the course morning, noon, and night. I don't
know how you want to deal with it, but I'm going to be out there"

"That's OK!" said his blushing bride, "I've got a confession to
make too... I'm a hooker!"

"No big deal!" replied the groom, "Just loosen your grip, and
open the club face."


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They
got out and attempted to change it, but being rather unworldly, they had
no idea how to go about it. Fortunately, a truck came along and the
driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack.
"Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Sir, that is inappropriate language," the eldest nun said. "We
understand you're upset, but must you use such language?"

"My apologies, Sister," he replied, and tried again. It slipped again
and nearly smashed his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch!" he screamed.

"Please, sir, we would ask you again to not use such language," the nun
scolded. "If changing our tire is causing you to do so, perhaps it would
be best if you didn't help us."

"I'm sorry, Sister, but I get so upset that it just comes out," the
trucker replied.

"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset. Say
something like 'Dear Lord, help me'."

Once more, the trucker attempted to jack up the car and again it
slipped. He began to blurt out "Son..." but quickly caught himself and
said, "Dear Lord, help me."

At that, the car miraculously rose into the air all by itself.

Staring in amazement, the nuns exclaimed, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

2 Comments:

At July 26, 2006 6:35 PM, Blogger jarhead john said...

Howdy Patty.

The one about the Marine, of course, brought a smile to my face.

 
At July 26, 2006 8:19 PM, Blogger Patty said...

Hey there John glad ya stopped by. My hope is to bring some humor in a very skeery world.

 

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