Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Evening Edition

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open. Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down their local bar, when one said to the other, "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow, "My wife doesn't have got a speech impediment!" Well," replied his friend , "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say NO!"

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? Skeet
A newlywed couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon and found
themselves shipwrecked on an island where a tribe of cannibals lived.
The inhabitants were very welcoming, however. In fact, when they
found out the couple had just been married, the cannibals threw a
party! They toasted the bride, then they barbecued the groom..
A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus. One day
the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely
dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do. The
husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going
to find another woman of her caliber."
The umpire crew for a baseball game consists of four men. While games
have been played with only 3, some crews take an extra man along in
the event of injury/sickness/etc. To keep from being bored, sometimes
this extra man wanders around the stadium to enjoy the game from
different vantage points. One night, the extra umpire tripped & fell
from the second tier of a grandstand. An article in the paper
reported on his demise: "The Decline & Fall of the Roamin' Umpire
Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy's checkbook, Mike made a
deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a
few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The following night, after
spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly,
"I've done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take
a look. "Let's 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone
35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here
ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error
Some Place!"

There was a fire one night at a convent and several retired nuns who
lived on the fourth floor were trapped by the fire. They were praying
for the Lord to show them a way out of the fire when one of the
sisters screamed, "We need to take off our robes, tie them together
and climb down to safety. " Later as they were recounting the event
to reporters, they were asked if they were afraid of the crude rope
breaking. "Oh, no," they said. "You see, old habits are hard to break."
The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. As is our
nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in
error. To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what.
I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right." "Fine." I said. She
took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong." I
grinned and replied, "You're right."

Weird Fact :
The cost to build the Empire State Building was $40,948,900.
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.

The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''

The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Kids Yet. "

The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "

The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''

They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''

She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''


The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into
our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the
claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she
wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had
prepared for our family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the
table, I was hypnotized by the handiwork a spider had woven around
the prisms and lightbulbs. "Don't look up there!" my mother screamed.
"It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!" "Don't look where? "
my brother asked. "There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal
web sight!"
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session. "I'm not aware of your
problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very
beginning." "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I
created the Heavens and the Earth..."

A woman sitting at a restaurant in McKinney, Texas suddenly began to
cough while eating a giant chicken-fried steak. After a few seconds
it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two cowboys at
the next table turned to look at her. "Kin ya swaller?" asked one of
the cowboys. The woman signaled "No," desperately shaking her head.
"Kin ya breathe?" asked the other. The woman, beginning to turn a bit
blue, shook her head "No." With that, the first cowboy walked over to
her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and
slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This
shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew
out of her mouth and she began to breath again. The cowboy slowly
walked back over to his table and proudly took another drink of his
beer. His partner said in admiration, "Ya know, I'd heard of that
there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."


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