Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote country with only dirt access roads.
His tame bear had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn and said
"You stay here until you learn how to behave yourself."
Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down pour). About an hour later a
travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to stay.
The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the house, however he could stay in the barn.
He told the salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame bear was in the barn.
The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The salesman went to the barn.
Later another travelling salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him about
the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen left for barn. One hour later a woman
got stuck in the mud and approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and
mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so concerned about the salesmen he
forgot to mention the bear).
The woman said I can take care of myself and left for the barn. Two hours later the
Farmer was awakened by heavy knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman
was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.
The woman replied I give up on human nature, the first guy gave me forty dollars,
the second guy gave me fifty dollars,
but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never even said thanks.
An Australian man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet
for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display
his ignorance, only asks the Vet how he will know when the Sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and
wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
and loads them in the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, services each sheep twice for good measure,
brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try Again"
he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day sh4gging the sheep and upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look but of the
window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No," she says,
"They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."
The woman was sprinkling a spice as she walked in circles,
circumnavigating their high peak. When her son asked her what she was
doing, she started to answer, "I'm sprinkling..." and then she sang.
"Cumin round the mountain."
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp
weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway,
contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right
in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I
soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around
and made cooing noises. A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons
flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by
crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of
pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my
hood. Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get
my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded
pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them
were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others
were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood. All of
a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door
and wildly chased them all off. No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
A guy goes inside the confessional and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." "What did you do, my son?" asked the priest. "Yesterday I was walking along the beach at night, and I decided to explore a cave near the shore. When I turned on my flashlight, I witnessed two men having sex." "Oh, so you were the asshole with the flashlight?
It was a typical night at the old watering hole. Jim walked in, took his seat at the bar and ordered a tall one. Then Jim told his buddy, Bill, "I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently." Confused by his buddy's comment, Bill asked, "Oh? Why were you wondering about that?" Jim explained, "Well, somebody married my ex-wife last week."
There was this Chinese businessman visiting a newly acquired business in the United States. As a gesture of good will, the executives of his newly acquired business took him to a golf course for a round of golf. He had never played the game before. Upon his return to China, his family asked what he had done in the United States. He replied, "Played most interesting game. Hit little white ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name of game is Oh shit!"
These two guys were talking how they wanted to die. One said he wanted to die in his sleep so he wouldn't have any pain. The other said he wanted to die like a rat. His friend said," how's that? " He said, " I wanna jump in bed and let that pussy eat me up."
Their marriage had been shaky. He was looking shifty and she was sulking. They were washing the dishes. She was washing, he was drying. She handed him a saucer and it broke as he dropped it on the floor. "Why don't you admit it!", she shouted. "Tell me, where do you go on Tuesday and Thursday nights?" The husband looked embarrassed blushed. "Nowhere much", he said. "You liar" she said "You're playing football for Wests Tigers! I demand an explanation," she shouted. Still looking embarrassed, the husband said "I'm going down to the local massage parlour for some extra sex and excitement. I'm having sex with prostitutes for money, and that's all. Then I come home." "You're a liar!", screamed the wife. "You are secretly playing football for Wests Tigers! You're going to practice during the week playing on Saturday afternoons, aren't you?" "No! No!", protested the husband. I just go for a bit of extra sex! I'm just looking for a stray piece of crumpet down at the singles bar or getting it on with one of the whores." "Do you swear you're not playing football for Wests Tigers?", she demanded. I swear I'm not. I'm just spending $200 or $300 a week on professional sex", he continued. Sobbing with relief, she threw herself into his arms and kissed him. "Forgive me", she said, "I'm sorry I didn't trust you.-- They continued washing the dishes. She handed him a cup and it slipped from his fingers and smashed on the floor. "You dirty bloody liar!", she screamed, "You ARE playing for Wests Tigers!"
There was once a hat-seller who passed by a forest on his way back from the market.
The weather was very hot and so he decided to take a nap under one of the trees,
so he left his whole basket of hats by the side.
A few hours later, he woke up by some sounds. The next thing he realized was that all
his hats was gone. He heard some monkeys on the tree and so he looked up.
To his surprise, the tree was full of monkeys and they had taken all his hats.
The hat-seller sits down and think of how he can get the hats down. He think and think
and start scratching his head. The next moment, he realized that the monkeys were
doing the same action.
Next, he took down his own hat and saw the monkeys do exactly the same. An idea came
to him, he took his hat and throw it on the floor and the monkeys do that too. So he finally
managed to get all his hats back. If you think you have read this before....., read on!!!
Fifty years later, his grandson, Jack, also became a hat-seller and had heard this monkey
story from his grandfather.
One day, just like his grandfather, he passed by the same forest, it was very hot, and he
took a nap under the same tree and left the hats on the floor. He woke up and realized
that all his hats were gone. He looked up and realized that the monkeys had taken all the hats.
He remembered his grand father's words, started scratching his head and the monkeys follows.
He took down his hat and fanned himself and again the monkeys followed. Now,
very convinced of his grandfather's idea, JACK threw his hat on the floor but to his surprise,
the monkeys still hold on to all the hats.
Then one monkey climbed down the tree, grabbed the hat on the floor,
gave him a slap and said "You think only you have a grandfather".
A cow suddenly stopped giving milk. Her udder failure could have been
attributed to her sorry love life. She got a bum steer. Depressed she
curdled up with a Duke Ellington CD, and a bottle of plum wine, and
she mooed indigo.
"What's your father's occupation? " asked the school secretary on the
first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said the
new boy. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick? " "He saws
people in half. " "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?
" "One half brother and two half sisters. "
One Saturday morning a deer hunter gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the gun and goes to the garage to warm up his truck and head down to his favorite hunting area. He backs his truck out of the garage and discovers the rain is really pouring down, It is like a torrential downpour. There is also some snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 MPH. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so minutes later, he puts his truck in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there is really terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid ass husband is out hunting in that shit?"
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative." "However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah. Right."
A good looking woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it, and decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Naked and just as she was about to dive in, the orchard grower appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited. "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him. He replied, "Hey! Only swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't..."
On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den
with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped
off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was
preparing dinner all by himself. "How romantic!" she thought.
Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be
served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her
harried husband was just removing a smoking roast from the oven.
"Almost ready!" he vowed.
"Sorry it took me so long -- I had to refill the pepper shaker."
"Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?"
"More than an hour, I reckon. Wasn't easy stuffing it through those
stupid little holes."