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Friday, July 14, 2006

Friday Evening Funnies Post




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American Medical Association researchers
have made a remarkable discovery.
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better.
Just thought you'd like to know!

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A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, when his teacher states the fact
that only humans stutter, and no other animal in the world does.

Johnny raises his hand and says. "You're wrong, Miss Finch!"

"Really, would you mind telling us why that is Johnny?"replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss Finch, the other day I was playing with my cat on the porch.
The neighbors' Rottweiler came around the corner, and my cat went
'FFFFFF! FFFFF! FFFFFF!, and before he could say 'Fuck!', the dog ate
him!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
An acre of trees can remove about 13 tons of dust and gases every year from the surrounding environment.




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Lamb


A Texas sheep rancher?s wife was dyeing some clothes in a large vat.
A tiny lamb gamboled over for a look and fell in, thereby turning a
lovely shade of blue. The woman placed the lamb in a small fenced-in
area near the road to dry and was surprised when a tourist stopped
and offered a large sum of money for the rare blue lamb.
It didn?t take the sheep rancher long to realize that he was on to
something big. In fact, to this day, he is the biggest lamb dyer in
the state of Texas.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact :
U.S. Postal Service processes 38 million address changes each year.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Lawrence Spring, the eminent musicologist, retired and moved to Las
Vegas. One night, he was unable to fall asleep, so decided to play
his Stravinsky records. At 2:00 AM, he turned on his sophisticated
electronic players and set them to full volume and his Stravinsky
concert began. The concert not only shook his house but awakened all
the sleepers within a mile radius of it. Within a few minutes, an
irate crowd converged on Spring's house and began throwing stones at
his windows and shouting insults at him. Spring called the police.
The riot squad arrived and a huge number of persons were arrested.
The rioters were charged with violating the rights of Spring.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One morning in elementary school, the students were going to a
geography class. The teacher wanted to show the students where cities
and states are. The teacher asks the class, "Does anyone know where
Pittsburgh is?" Billy raises up his hand and says, "Yeah,
Pennsylvania!". The teacher replies, "Very good, Billy!, now can
anyone tell me were Detroit is?" Suzy raises her hand and says,
"That's in Michigan!" The teacher again says , "Very good." Trying to
confuse the children, she now asks, "Where's Kansas City?" Tommy
raises his hand and says, "Oh Oh Pick me!!!, I know?" The teacher
says, "OK, Tommy where is Kansas City?" "Last place."




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Detroit, Mi. (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a
Detroit courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who
should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law
and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him
more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that
they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning
that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the Judge
took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions,
who the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and
give it a try!" The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch
an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the
side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep
in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With
lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature hauls it onto the slimy
bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were seven more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The
blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration she shouts
out "DARN IT!!!. THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed,
she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town
to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of
a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place
drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you
have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And
the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable
(UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold
all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete (look it
up, it means to hide) himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of
insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the
greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical
Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the
deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going
to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum
company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work
only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by
others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.



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