Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Friday Mid-Morning Edition

How to Piss Off A Woman

Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go

Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know,
say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

Tell her YOU have a headache, but you're willing to suffer with it through
sex just to please her.

Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest

After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along
the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he
got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree"

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife
and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,
you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass
is almost a foot high."
Morris has a business appointment, and he arrives
a little early. The receptionist points to a
comfortable easy chair, and asks him to be seated
for a short while. Morris settles down, picks up
a glossy magazine from the glass-topped table,
opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds
that he cannot concentrate because he is
distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one
of the doors leading off the reception area.
Morris goes over to the receptionist and asks:
"What's going on in there?"

She replies: "It's a partners' meeting."

"But why are they shouting at each other?" Morris asks.

"It's a battle of wits," she replies.

Morris asks: "Who is in there?", and she answers:

"Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."
A career military officer relates this story
about a general staff meeting he attended many
years ago. A young captain was present, his very
first such meeting.

The general threw out a tactical problem seeking
answers. The colonel, sitting on the general's
right, leaned into the problem and answered it in
detail. During this process, the young captain,
at the foot of the gathering, kept shaking his

After the colonel had finished the general looked
around and asked if anyone had anything to add.
Somewhat brashly the captain spoke up, "I
disagree completely with the colonel, sir."

"Don't you think it might be wise to defer to the
judgment of the colonel, captain?"

Right back the captain said, "That is not the way you made general, sir."

The general looked at the captain for about ten
seconds and finally said, "No, you are right,
captain. But that sure as hell is how I made
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife
kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell
you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise,
why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband
went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the
name he saw painted on the side:
"For Sale."

Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, "How do you
spell "dumb"?

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid".

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell

Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my
dictate good.
Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking
themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his
9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you

Understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or

Lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out

Is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a

pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so

another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call
your coach

'a dumb asshole' is it?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all

that to your grandmother."

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew - (gems in the
rough) - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee breaks and
lunch hours,and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope
containing a dollar bill. The little girl took this home to show her
mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take the dollar to the bank the next day to start a savings

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the
story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay
check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I've been
working with a construction crew building a house all week". "My
goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will you be working on the
house again this week too"? "I will if those useless cocksuckers at the
lumber yard ever bring us the 2 x 6s and the fucking bricks", replied
the little girl.
Terribly agitated, Jack rushed into his dentist's examining room and
ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the
doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his pecker

"Jack, Jack," said the dentist, taken aback. "I'm a dentist. If you
think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor."

"It's not V.D.," gasped Jack, "and you've gotta help me. There's a tooth
stuck in it."
Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?"

Donna: "Nooo! What happened?"

Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. He went straight
from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"


Q. How do you get your husband
interested in oral sex? A. Douche with beer.






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