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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Friday's Funnies

This is what we should be hearing!!

GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own
Business.

Wanting to do something totally different from his current
occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of
land. His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there
appeared to be a great demand for the birds.

Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer
started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all
parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody
wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment,
technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored
rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new
feather merchant very happy.

There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers
were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number
of doctors to determine the nature of the illness. It was discovered
that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of
"dye a rhea."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A fellow (blond?) is looking to buy a saw to cut
down some trees in his back yard. He goes to
a chainsaw shop and asks about various
chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I
have a lot of models, but why don't you save
yourself a lot of time and aggravation and
get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw
will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in
one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and
begins working on the trees. After cutting
for several hours and only cutting two cords,
he decides to quit. He thinks there is
something wrong with the chainsaw. "How
can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?"
the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing
in the morning and cut all day," the man tells
himself. So, the next morning the man gets
up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts,
and cuts till nightfall, and still he only
manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "Thedealer told me it would cut one
hundred cords
of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this
saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back
to the dealer and explains the problem. The
dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes
the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says,
"Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which
the man responds, "What's that noise?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was a farmer out in the country, a meek
little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't
talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind
that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked
to get the operator.

Soon after it was installed, he tried his
first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator".
"Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease."
"Excuse me?"
"I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi."
"I don't understand you, sir."
"FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!"
"Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going
to have to talk plainer than that."
"Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed
the phone down)

The next morning, there was a knock at the
farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the
phone company were there, and they asked
him if he was the one who had used a profanity
with their operator.

"Yesh, I yam", he said.
The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand
for our ladies being treated that way. You have
a choice. You can either call her right now and
apologize, or we're going to remove your
telephone."

Without saying a word, the little man walked
to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring)
"Operator".

"Are yew th' lady I told ta
shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?"

Immediately huffy, the operator replied
"I CERTAINLY am!"

"Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome. He says the right
things and does the right things. When it comes to sex, he is lacking in
this department. He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too
long, stays around your neck forever, fingers you like a GYN Doctor,
licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick.
You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually
sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable. You think, "how can a guy so
fine, so polite be so weak" To top everything off ladies, how about just
when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even
if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick. He eats major pussy. He eats
it so good, your knees feel a little weak. It was good enough to make
you shed a tear. Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that
you cannot really feel it!! His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic.
You work with it by riding on it as if you were in a Wild Wild West
Movie. You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick. It's funny
because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from
having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him. Only for them to
forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the
penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick? You see,
online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in
person. Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash. They talk the
bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to.
Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged. You saw some signs of
weakness in this man. He always caters to you and really does not
discuss what he can do in bed with you. When kissing him, you notice you
make his knees weak. You hold out on giving him some and tease him. You
know what size dick he has because you have either: (a) Already gave him
some mean ass head, or (b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or
boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to
find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure
eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your whole
pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you. He
was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept
cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - This is the dick that pisses me off the most. You see,
the guy you're sleeping with punishes your pussy. If he has a bad day at
work he "punishes your pussy". If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your
pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your pussy." No matter
what, he "punishes your pussy". It is easy to tell if the guy you're
with falls into this category. He always uses phrases like these when he
is fucking you: "DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS THIS?",
"I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS
PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to this
type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you
want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty dick
will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have
no clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered
it sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you,
asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it
is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on
your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be
draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he
was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main
course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and
forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform
like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct
him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEPLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convenk. Easy dick. Dick you can call
when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK,
and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so
you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His
dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to
hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE and
GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the
circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray
all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look
towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get
this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you
EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it
is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all
in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in case
anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while speaking
and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY, ANYBODY
DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to
Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander
steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and
has the appearance of a walking wardrobe.

He has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist and near freezing
temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a
tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a
young woman. She is absolutely beautiful -- slim, shapely, fair
complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.

The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from
the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from
his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..."
stammers the driver. "Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver
turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander "Du it agin!"
"But....." says the driver.
"Now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.

This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in
both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight
is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold
wind has collapsed in a sweating, gibbering heap on the ground, unable
to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander.

"I can't do it any more! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.

The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside.

"All right laddie." he says, "NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to
Inverness?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Costume
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was
unsure of what costume to wear. His wife told him to hurry,
or they would be late for the party. She was walking
downstairs from the bedroom, completely naked, except on her feet were a
big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explained the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and returned in two minutes. He
also was completely naked except that he had a rose vase
over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated, laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass.
Pull twice and I come."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

Fart
The loudest ever heard, one hell of a blow

Flattened houses it did, blew trees from their roots

It blew old farmer McDonald clean out of his boots

Legend does tell us; three blind mice were the first to be hit

Blew their butts thru their eye sockets, where talking serious shit

The three bears were at the table, they'd had Goldilocks for dinner

The portions weren't great, they were thankful she wasn't any thinner

They were fighting over the bones having just finished her insides

When a thunderous roar did approach & blew them clean out of their hides

The culprit was Jack and a few magic beans he had brought

He was hungry so ate em, 'what harm could it do' he'd thought

His tummy started rumbling, his insides just couldn't feel sadder

When one horrendous amount of gas did abscond from his bladder

The shock wave was enormous, blew jack straight up for a mile

To a strange land with a giant and his rather unpleasant smile

The Giant did approach him, fee fi fo fumming and a such

Jacks little legs began to tremble he'd never been scared so much

Now the giant was a monster, huge arms with muscles made of lead

But he took one whiff of wee jack and it killed him stone dead!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





Moonshine

A hillbilly was on trial for making moonshine whiskey. A young neighbor
of his was being grilled by the prosecutor.

"Did you ever get any whiskey from him?" asked the prosecutor.

"No, sir!" said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" he asked.

"No, sir," said the neighbor.

"Did you ever get any from his daughter?" asked the prosecutor.

The young neighbor thought a minute and said, "Wait. Your Honor, are we
still talking about whiskey?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Red

Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest on her way to
Grandma's house when she came upon a squirrel. The squirrel asked
"Little Red Riding Hood, where are you going with that basket?"

"To Grandma's house" Little Red told him.

"Don't go there Little Red Riding Hood there is a big bad wolf there who
is going to pull your little red dress up, pull your little red panties
down and fuck your little white socks off." the squirrel advised.

Ignoring him she kept skipping through the forest til she came across a
rabbit. The rabbit asked her where she was headed and when Little Red
told him Grandma's he told her the same story.

"Don't go there Little Red Riding Hood there is a big bad wolf there who
is going to pull your little red dress up, pull your little white
panties down and fuck your little red socks off."

Little Red ignored him and continued on her way. Upon arriving at
Grandma's Little Red opened the door to find a big bad wolf waiting for
her.

"Come in Little Red Riding Hood. I have been waiting for you. I am going
to pull your little red dress up, pull your little white panties down
and fuck your little white socks off."

Little Red smiled at the wolf and said "OH NO YOU AREN'T YOU ARE GOING
TO EAT ME LIKE THE BOOK SAYS"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!"
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way, we can't do it" Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."
"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.
"Spot on" Bruce said . "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."
"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"
"No" Bruce replied,
"But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive"


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