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Friday, July 28, 2006

Funnies For Friday



Partisan

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle
of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only
option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest
town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, "Need a lift?"

"Yes, I do," replied the salesman.

"Are you a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man.

"A Republican," replied the salesman.

"Get screwed!" yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to
which the salesman gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave
him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his
approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area. The
next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She
smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

"Democrat!" shouted the salesman.

"Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the
seat next to him - the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and
a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, he yells "STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!"

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

"What's the matter?" she asks.

"I can't take it!" he replies. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes
and already I want to sleep with a woman I've only just met!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm,
And then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.

When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are
Crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one is smiling serenely.

A nurse comes by and to the gays' delight she points
Out the happy child as theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" one man says to the other.
"All these unhappy children and ours is so happy?"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now.
But just watch what happens when we take
The pacifier out of his ass."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat
conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the
opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind
him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched
off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend
goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched
off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man
behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the
hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and
snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole
club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious,
our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your
enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."




A father scolded his son for being so unruly and the child
rebeled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear
and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"
The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What
if you go hungry?", he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat!", bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?"
"I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get
dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them."
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running
away from home, he's going to college!!!!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Browsing through a magazine, John was caught by a
story about chickens, which have yellow eyes, being fitted with red
contact lenses, which "make them eat less, lay more, and stop
henpecking." That's what it said.
John turns to Jill and says, "You know, once word of this gets
around, rose-colored glasses are going to be the hottest Christmas gift
from husbands to wives."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less.
2. Don't ask for money all the time.
3. Are easier to train.
4. Usually come when called.
5. Never drive your car.
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions.
9. Don't wear your clothes.
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and ....
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten
minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time. The
hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the
little town came into view.

Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and
called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's
just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my
blood pressure pill."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

( a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?)

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Language

Lee Sum Wan: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?"
Mr. Sori: "Yes, you can speak to me."
Lee Sum Wan: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan."
Mr. Sori: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"
Lee Sum Wan: "I'm Sum Wan. I need to talk to Annie Wan. It's urgent."
Mr. Sori: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But
what's this urgent matter about?" Lee Sum Wan: "Look, just tell my
sister Annie Wan that our brother was involved in an accident. Noe Wan
was injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now,
Avery Wan is going to the hospital." Mr. Sori: "Well, if no one was
injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident, that
isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have
time for this!" Lee Sum Wan: "You are very rude. Who are you?" Mr.
Sori: "I'm Sori." Lee Sum Wan: "You should be sorry. Now give me your
name!" Mr. Sori: "I'm Sori!" Lee Sum Wan: "I don't like your tone of
voice, mister, and I don't care. Now give me your name!" Mr. Sori:
"Look, lady, I told you already. I'm Sori! I'm Sori! I'm SORI! You
didn't even give me your name!" Lee Sum Wan: "I told you before, I'm Sum
Wan! Sum Wan! You better be careful, man. My father is Sum Buddy. And
my uncle holds a very prestigious position in the family business. He
is Noe Buddy." Mr. Sori (sarcastically): "Oh, I'm so scared. Look, I
don't care about your uncle; he's a nobody. Everybody thinks he's top
dog and holding an important position in the company." Lee Sum Wan: "No,
Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesn't work there."
Mr. Sori: "Like I said, I don't care which one of your aunts sleeps
around, and I also know that not everybody works here! Jeez! Now, which
one of my employees do you want to talk to?" Lee Sum Wan: "Wheech Wan is
my sister!" Mr. Sori: "I don't know which one is your sister! How in
God's name would I know that?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for
vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is
$300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a
stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver."




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
How To Simulate Being a Sailor

1. Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it
for six months.

2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make
sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much
water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong
rack."

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up."

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6am
while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 3 PM.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers,
man your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, carry all trash and
garbage to the
fantail.)

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their
battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man
your battle
stations.)

21. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When
they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and just ask for hot dogs.

22. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.
Spread icing real thick to level it off.

23. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

24. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your
top shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run but into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

25. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout "Man
overboard port side!" Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

26. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front
of the stove, and speak into the paper cup "Stove manned and ready."
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again "Stove secured." Roll up
the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

27. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done
when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

28. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking
chair, sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous.
Make sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

29. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and run it all day long.

30. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

31. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.

32. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

33. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

34. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney
World for "liberty." At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

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