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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Giggles Evening Edition



One of my friends got a speeding ticket and was attending a
defensive driving course to have points erased from her license. The
instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial,
and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.
Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked
door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"
The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council,
they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go!

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good enough.

How about, "Minds and Behinds."

Unacceptable again.

So they tried, "Inner Souls and Outer Holes."

Still no go.

Nor did; "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and
Cheeks", or "Loons and Moons" work either.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they
thought might be acceptable to the council;

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."




Guy s

GUYS SUCK......and let me tell you why.

FARTING - How come it's cool for you to do it and
disgusting if we do it. And must you lift your
leg?

JOCK-ITCH - Get help! Do you see us scratch?
We don't want to see you scratch either.

PORNOS - Why do you want to see other guys
getting what you can't.
By the way, it's not good for our skin.

PICK UP LINES - Not!

DOUBLE STANDARDS - If you can do it, why the hell
can't we?

HONESTY - Learn the concept. It is a good thing.

SENSITIVITY - Get some!!!!

DEODORANT - It's only small change at the corner
store. Buy it.

LOCKER ROOMS - Hello.....air freshner.

HEADS - We know you have two. Keep one in your
pants and get the other out of your ass.

You can't beat up everyone who looks at us.

Being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any
thing on legs.

Believe me, sex is NOT number one and you are NOT
number one at it.

Why must you tell ALL of your friends about
everything you do with a girl? They all had the
same DREAM last night anyway.

Do not blame everything we do on P.M.S. You
should be glad we're not pregnant.

Try matching your maturity level to your age.

We are NOT objects. We have feelings, thoughts
and ideas. We can even form words like "FUCK
YOU!!!"

There is more to life than playing cards and
video games - How old are you??

Why do we have to look good and you can look like
shit?

Can we eat like humans - utensils were made
especially for this purpose. Ever heard of
knives, forks, and spoons? How about napkins?
(This does not include shirt sleeves.)

WAKE UP CALL! - Wasting a ton of money on tuition
every year to get drunk, get laid, and play
sports is fucking retarded. If you're interested,
become a professional athlete and at least GET
PAID for it.

I am not putting myself through school to carry
your sorry, lazy ass through life.

BIRTHDAYS - If you can remember the size of your
cock to the exact millimeter, then you can
remember our birthday.

Rulers were not made to measure your genitalia.
They were not made that small. Why measure it
anyway? There will always be someone bigger and
believe me, we can find him.

Romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing
and then rolling over and going to sleep.

The one thing you are good for, you are not good
at!

Remember Meg Ryan's famous 'faking an orgasm
scene'? Sound familiar?

When we say we're lost without you, we're
probably high.

When you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if
it's not too much trouble, a dozen would be
nice.

WANDERING EYES - We know you look. Try not to
make it so obvious.

GET A CLUE! - When we say "HARDER!, FASTER!"
we're not referring to your breathing pattern.

To the FEW nice guys who don't apply to these
statements and never get the time of day,
here's a note of hope.....WE'LL WISE UP SOONER OR
LATER AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE. HANG IN THERE.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A former manager of the New York Yankees once told about a dream
he had in which he died and went to heaven. There he was ordered to
organize and manage a ball team. He said he was overwhelmed by all the
available talent - Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson, Rube Waddell, Babe
Ruth, Lou Gehrig, and many other superstars.
Just then the phone rang. It was Satan calling to challenge the
heavenly team to a game. "But you haven't got a chance of winning,"
said the manager. "You see I got all the great ball players up here."
Satan explained, "Oh, I know that. But I've got all the
umpires!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Seated at the breakfast table, Jill was bent over in pain, and
complained to her husband, "My head aches, I have a pain in my stomach,
and my left breast feels like it's on fire."
"Poor girl," solaced hubby, "Here's an aspirin for your head,
alka seltzer for your stomach, and if you lift your breast out of the
hot coffee, I'm sure it won't burn so much."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




1. We have it on good authority that one of New York's biggest night
clubs is going to introduce a new act: a midget stripteaser. She'll
entertain the customers who are under the table.

2. A glamorous actress, whose best days were behind her, began finding
herself without male companionship several evenings a week. To help pass
the time--and perhaps catch a live one--she decided to attend one of
those Hollywood charity meetings. She dozed quietly throughout the
opening address, but awoke suddenly to hear the speaker say:"Now let's
get out and work like beavers."
The actress nudged the person sitting next to her and whispered,
"How do beavers work?"
The answer from the confused lady on her left was, "I'm not too
sure, but I think it's with their tails."
The actress jumped to her feet and shouted as loud as she could,
"Put me down for three nights a week!"

3. As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying conclusion, the
coed began fidgeting in her seat. The man sitting behind her leaned
forward and inquired, "Excuse me. Are you feeling hysterical?"
"No," she whispered. "He's feeling mine."

4. Johnny, a Hollywood youngster, was very proud because he had the most
parents at the P.T.A. meeting.

5. There's a new jewelrey store in Hollywood whose business has suddenly
leaped ahead of all the competition. It rents wedding rings.

6. Two sexy young starlets were sipping stingers at Chasen's, in
Hollywood.
"You remember that backless, frontless, sideless evening gown I wore
to the sneak preview last week?" asked teh first.
"Sure," said her friend, "it was a sensation."
"I just found out it's a belt."

7. Then there was the clumsy file clerk who dropped her birth control
pills into the Xerox machine. It wouldn't reproduce for a month.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Vegas

A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt
off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of
his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get
himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send
the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his
drivers license number, his address, all to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of
my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch- hike to the airport and
was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out
there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had
refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman
thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of
charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much
for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me oral sex on the way?"

"What? Get the hell out of my cab!"

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked
the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend
at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the
airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "OK," and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman
gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Blues Band

The elderly parking lot attendant wasn't in a good mood!
Neither was Sam Bierstock.
It was around 1 a.m., and Bierstock, a Delray Beach, FL eye doctor, business consultant, corporate speaker and musician, was bone tired after appearing at an event.
He pulled up in his car, and the parking attendant began to speak.
"I took two bullets for this country and look what I'm doing," he said bitterly.

At first, Bierstock didn't know what to say to the World War II veteran.

But he rolled down his window and told the man,
"Really, from the bottom of my heart,
I want to thank you."
Then the old soldier began to cry.
"That really got to me," Bierstock says.
Cut to today..

Bierstock, 58, and John Melnick, 54, of Pompano Beach and a member of Bierstock's band, Dr. Sam and the Managed Care Band, have written a song inspired by that old soldier in the airport parking lot.
The mournful "Before You Go" does more than salute those who fought in WWII. It encourages people to go out of their way to thank the aging warriors before they die.

"If we had lost that particular war, our whole way of life would have been shot," says Bierstock, who plays harmonica.
"The WW II soldiers are now dying at the rate of about 2,000 every day. I thought we needed to thank them."

The song is striking a chord.
Within four days of Bierstock placing it on the Web
,
the song and accompanying photo essay have bounced around nine countries, producing tears and heartfelt thanks from veterans, their sons and daughters and grandchildren.

"It made me cry," wrote one veteran's son.
Another sent an e-mail saying that only after his father consumed several glasses of wine would he discuss "the unspeakable horrors" he and other soldiers had witnessed in places such as Anzio, Iwo Jima, Bataan and Omaha Beach.
"I can never thank them enough," the son wrote. "Thank you for thinking about them."

Bierstock and Melnick thought about shipping it off to a professional singer, maybe a Lee Greenwood type, but because time was running out for so many veterans, they decided it was best to release it quickly, for free, on the Web.

They've sent the song to Sen. John McCain and others in Washington. Already they have been invited to perform it in Houston for a Veterans Day tribute - this after just a few days on the Web.

They hope every veteran in America gets a chance to hear it.

God Bless EVERY veteran and THANK YOU to those of you
veterans who may receive this !

Click the link below to hear the song and see the pictures and then share it and send it to everyone you know!:
Click here: Dr. Sam & The Managed Care Blues Band


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

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