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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Giggles For Click and Comment Monday



JOB SEEKERS FROM THE PAST

Julius Caesar:
My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd
like to get away from all that.

Jesse James:
I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive
travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and
a knowledge of sescurity measures at numerous banks.

Marie Antoinette:
My management style has been criticzed, but I'd like to
think of myself as a people person.

Joseph Guillotin:
I can give your company a head start on the competition.

Hamlet:
My psotiion was eliminated in a hostsile takeover.

Lucrezia Borgia:
My greatest accomplishment? After I took over the
department, our competition just seemed to drop out
of sight one by one.

Pandora:
I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering
new things.

Genghis Khan:
My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I
downsized my staff, my organization, and the
populations of several countries.

Macbeth:
Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind
of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?

Lady Godiva:
What do you mean this isn't business casual?

Elvis:
My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was this Utah Psychiatrist who decided that the majority of his
patients had been sufficiently cured to allow them out of the ward, and
to place them on an out-patient basis so that they could return to a
somewhat normal life.

To get this off to a good start, he decided that having a party for the
group would be the best way to give them some encouragement and
self-confidence before releasing them, so he proceeded to set up a party
for them at one of the local taverns.

The tavern owner was somewhat reluctant about holding a party for a
bunch of loonies, but after some persuasion from the psychiatrist,
decided to relent.

"Look," said the psychiatrist, "These are just basically a nice bunch of
people. They are calm, polite, and will do well to have a good time."

"OK," said the tavern owner.

"Oh," said the psychiatrist, "There is one more thing. Don't be
surprised if they decide to pay you in bottle caps. Just act like it's
OK, and I will come by in the morning to pick up the tab."

The party went without a hitch, and the next morning, the psychiatrist
appeared as he had promised.

"How did it go," he asked.

"Just great," replied the tavern owner. "Actually they were a really
great bunch of people. Very nice, very polite and well behaved. Funny
thing, though, it was just like you said. They all paid me in bottle
caps. You are going to pay me, aren't you."

"How much is it?" ask the psychiatrist.

"$257.49," replied the tavern owner.

"OK," said the psychiatrist. "Have you got change for a manhole cover?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of
me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk
apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.

Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the
same bed for 44 years."

"Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked.

Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."

Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I
want to be able to punch him."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Top Ten Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line

10. Do these steps go up or down?

9. What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

8. Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

7. Does the crew sleep on the ship?

6. Is this island completely surrounded by water?

5. Does the ship make its own electricity?

4. Is it salt water in the toilets?

3. What elevation are we at?

2. There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the
next day... the question asked: If the pictures aren't marked, how will I
know which ones are mine?

1. What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while the
store clerk waited on all of the adult customers. Finally he got around
to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out to the curb,
where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.

"What took you so long, son?" he asked.

"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy replied.
"But I got even."

"How?"

"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the
youngster explained happily. "It's going to be a mighty noise place at
eight o'clock."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
You should go home to avoid depriving your village of the idiot
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
There was once a pugnacious ranch hand who seemed always to be
looking for a fight. There was hardly anything you could say to him
that he wouldn't take the wrong way and become offended. F'rinsance
he once hauled off and whacked a guy for simply saying " Moo" in his
direction. When his buddy asked him why he took offense to this he
replied, "Didn't ya hear 'im? He was calling me a cow ward (Gary
Hallock)
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
When I was young my Mom bought me cans of colored dough that could be
sculpted into just about anything I wanted, then left to dry or
reused. However mine must have been defective, for when I left it out
overnight, it would form into philosophical quotes from an ancient
Greek. I complained about this to my Mom and she looked a bit harder
at the can. "There's the problem!" she said, "I bought the wrong
brand.I Bought Plato"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods, and both need to have a dump urgently... so they each go behind a different tree and deposit a hefty amount. Once finished they meet up again, and the bear says to the rabbit "Do you have problems with c**p sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies "No, i don't" So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Weird Fact of the Day:
The first American astronaut in space was Alan B. Shepard Jr.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was
wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore
with the air hitting me in my chest."

After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block
the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came
around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police
and told them what happened.

The police asked him,"are either of them showing any life signs?"

The farmer then said, "well, that first one was 'til I turned his head
around the right way."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

" What's wrong ?" asked her mother. " I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied her daughter. Her mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. " Mum, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again her mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "Its okay" said Mum, “I know what happened.

You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No, said her son, " I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Mrs. Fenton,
Our store is considering banning your family unless your husband stops his antics.
Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

MEMO
Re: Mr Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-buy.

6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks why can't you people just leave me alone?

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
POETIC PUNS
Her friends don't like children, are afraid
Of the teenager's baby sitter trade.
She successfully tries
To prevent the kids' cries,
So with hush money sitter is paid.
(Kirk Miller)
A scientist living at Staines
Is searching with infinite pains.
For a new type of sound
Which he hopes, when its found,
Will travel much faster than planes.




Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted.
This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have
cheated on your spouse or significant other.
1. Oral Sex does not count.
2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day...
it doesn't count...
3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex...
doesn't count...
4. If neither of you achieved orgasm...it doesn't count...
5. Sex with a friend...it doesn't count...it's just another
thing you share...
6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my
legs for this"...it doesn't count...
7. An old flame...it doesn't count...
8. An ex-spouse...it doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity
fuck".
9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same,
sorry, not sex...it doesn't count...
10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation...it
doesn't count...
11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not sex...it doesn't
count...
12. Kissing body parts is not cheating...it doesn't count...
13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves,
not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant
other...it doesn't count...
14. An act committed while you were intoxicated...it doesn't
count.
15. An act committed with a family member of your significant
other...it doesn't count...this should be referred to as "a
skeleton in the family closet".
16. Acts committed in a public place...it doesn't count...(why
should it, it was public right?)
17. Phone sex...it doesn't count...(refer back to "glorified
masturbation")
18. In car...it doesn't count...way too cramped...if vehicle is
in motion and has a console or stick shift...this counts...way
too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally
oral, then refer back to rule 1...
19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm)...it doesn't count.
20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull'n pray method of birth control)...it
doesn't count...
21. An act in which no kissing takes place...it doesn't count...
(not considered to be intimate)
22. An act in which "you do all the work"...it doesn't count.
23. An act committed with your next door neighbor...it doesn't
count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly".
24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry
with your significant other...it doesn't count.
25. An act which only happens on a random basis...it doesn't
count, this should be considered " getting aquatinted "...
26. An act with a US President...it doesn't count, unless the
Senate votes impeachment...
27. An act with your boss...it doesn't count, just considered
career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K. Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Bill Gates passed away and goes up to heaven where he is met by God.
"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.

"I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "You take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"
"Sure" said Bill, "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear water.
There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.

"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven."

God replied, "Let's go!" and so off they went to Heaven. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.

It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.
Bill Gates though for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill Gates shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doing', Bill?" asked God.
Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This not what I expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh THAT?!" said God. "That was the Screen Saver."


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