Sunday, July 09, 2006

giggles today

American Civil War All States Map of Battles

Depressive Disorders

Battered Men

Zach's Word Unscrambler


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via
retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP. (Sever Late-Age Personnel). Employees who are
SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual
retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey
of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined
Lump-sum Assistance Payment). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, an
employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer by SLAPPED or SCREWED by
the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High
Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees
receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If
any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT you can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.


An old fellow came into the hospital truly on
death's door due to an infected gallbladder.
The surgeon who removed the gallbladder
was adamant that his patients be up and walking
in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent
blood clots forming in the leg veins.
The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered,
and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each
time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him. After a week,
the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked
the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon
was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really
a simple operation and he had just been lucky to get him in time. "But
doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over six
It was New Year's Day, and I had planned to spend it watching football.
My wife, however, had other ideas, resulting in my serving time at a
family dinner. When the coast was clear, I sneaked away and turned on
the ball game. A few minutes later, my wife came by with a cup of coffee
for me. "What's the score?" she asked. "Nothing-nothing at the end of
the third quarter," I replied. "See?" she said. "You didn't miss a
Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand
behind is our manure spreader.

The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy,
"Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? The young rancher answered, "I
couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
A Jewish couple won twenty-million dollars in the lottery.
They immediately set out to begin a life of luxury.
They bought a magnificent mansion estate in Southampton and surrounded
themselves with all the material wealth imaginable.

They then decided to have a butler and, wanting the best, they traveled
to London to hire one. They found the perfect butler through an agency
and brought him back to their estate.

The day after his arrival, they instructed him to set up the dining room
table for 4 people, that they were inviting the Cohens to brunch. The
couple then left the house to do some shopping.

When they returned, they found the table set for 8 people.

They asked the butler why eight, when they had specifically instructed
him to set the table for four.

The butler replied.....

"The Cohens telephoned and said they were bringing
the Bagels and the Knishes."
A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed
it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you
know what I use this for?" The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it
for?" The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator then proceeded to pull out a .45 automatic and place it on
his chart table. The pilot asked, "What's that for?" "To be honest sir,"
the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."


I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband
was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the
ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone
given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. I told
him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He
looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?"

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns


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