Thursday, July 06, 2006

Grins N Giggles

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators
when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested
in this one. It's our most realistic model."

The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a
man's penis?"

"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five
minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to
take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my
money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in
black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready
to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the
casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my
word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket
with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same
sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly.
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet
to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own fuc*ing blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted


keyboard will become numbers,
numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesn't really
matter if they're on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my computer?
The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven,
where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished
for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,
such as "breast," "sex" and "contraception."
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then
after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character.
Those funny characters above the numbers on your
to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters,
because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster
inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds,
drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
Dave Barry's explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan,
where they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable,
while cheap imitations are not flammable. I'm not making this up.
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they
are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:
You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING???
Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

A woman he tried not to covet,
Was horny and knew she would love it,
So taking a chance,
She wrote on her pants,
"Pull down here and you'll see where to shove it!"

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of
the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because
they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes
take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The
apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality,
they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is
brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to
women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable
to have dinner with.


What a woman says:

This place is a mess! C'mon! You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes
to wear if we don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah,blah,blah,blah, C'MON
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to
loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more
than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself but
I knew it wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time. That was when things began to sour at home.
One evening, I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.
She spent that night at her mother's.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix but
I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,
"What is it exactly that we are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say
this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on
the job, I'm going to have to let you go."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "Again! I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, it's not that serious."
"It is too serious!" she said, her lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a college
professor and they don't make any money! I refuse to let you do that to me!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with
the drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche.
I roared into the parking lot with NPR blaring on the radio and ran up to the
big glass doors. But they wouldn't open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
As I sank to the ground, clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra,
a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it read.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from Thinkers Anonymous.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video.
Last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided
thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better
at home.
Life just seems... easier, somehow, now that I've stopped thinking.
I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
In fact, today I registered to vote Republican.

A job applicant was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him,
"Tell me what is your greatest strength?"
The prospective employee said, "Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my
honest answer?"
The interviewer says, "Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff."
The job seeker says, "Sir, my greatest strength is my wife."
The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he
could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.
So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with
the last question, "Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?"
The guy felt encouraged, and went on, "Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife."
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill
is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady.....
"I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?... Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the
football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes,
right into my flower beds!"
"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and eachtime someone sticks
his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay up"....
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.


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