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Thursday, July 20, 2006

The International Rules of Manhood



The International Rules of Manhood
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Weird Fact :
New York City was briefly the U.S. capital from 1789 to 1790.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After
the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road,
the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are
they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again
the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each
others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis. "What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says,
"Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on
the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of
hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set
up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge
who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly
flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course,
the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known
in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted
their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from
the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all
his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES




~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all
the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of
the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed
"Give the ballerina a drink!"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
"Give the ballerina another drink!"
The bartender approached the little drunk and said "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business
if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"
The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five
items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will
forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the
corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your
taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what
happens.

First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted
to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will
soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when
stale.

The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home
from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go
unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the
parking lot.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
An Ode to Customer Service
(by Jim Sterne)

I have a little problem, so I call you on the phone
I'm given numbered options - to punch them each by tone.

After hitting number 7, then 2, 8, 6 and pound
A short recording tells me that no operators can be found.

They're busy helping others and would I hold this once?
Because my call is SO important. What am I? A dunce?

My call's not so important that I'll spend an hour on hold, While my
shoulder aches, my patience bakes and my coffee grows green mold.

Nothing your recording says can cause me to believe
That my call will be taken in the order it was received.

So down I put the telephone and up I pick the modem
To find solutions on your site, and once found, download
'em.

I calmly wait while DNS looks up your URL
Until your server answers your home page front door bell.

I wait for frames to paint themselves, my solution to begin. And then I
wait for plug-ins so I can see your logo spin.

I wait to get an audio file - greetings from your CEO
He doesn't get the Internet, but he loves the radio.

I wait until a picture of your building is on my screen
And I realize there are things that should not be heard
nor seen.

Finally, there's a menu and I poise my mouse to click...
But first, a Java applet! "Starting Java." I know that
won't be quick.

The menu choices indicate you know yourselves full well. You know all
about your company and that's what you want to tell.

But where's the button I can push, that takes me to the page That solves
my problem? Feels my pain? And soothes my mounting rage?

There, in the lower corner, down by the copyright
There's a little tiny icon that looks as if it might

Be a link to customer service. My troubles soon will quit! I click upon
it and I get... a 404... Oh, sugar.

And when I finally reach that page that promises relief.
I'm staring at a document that's far beyond belief.

For where there should be answers to frequently asked
questions
And online help and knowledge-bases, is naught but
indigestion.
For there in type italics, underlined and bold
Is the number for your help desk phone.

I should have stayed on hold.

[Jim Sterne is an international consultant and author of
four books on using the Internet for advertising,
marketing and customer service.]


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