Its White Trash Day Again
SQUINT AT THESE PICTURES
They change. Cool!
For anyone who's ever written "WASH ME" in
the dust of a dirty car, eat this:
THE CLANDESTINE BOOGER CAM
SOMETIMES PERCEPTION IS LIFE AND DEATH
For example, see how well you can identify
serial killers when they knock on your door.
EVOLUTION OF THE DANCE
As humorously demonstrated by comedian
Judson Laipply. A YouTUBE #1!
TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT HOW VELCRO DOES IT
A FEW THINGS TO PONDER
When I die, I want to go like my grandmother, who died peacefully in
her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he
knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this
profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed
and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior
to crossing theDelaware."
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use
a day..... 30,000 to a man's 15,000 words. The wife replied, "The
reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice." The husband
then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so
stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me
to explain it to you. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted
to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"
Some Great Truths About Life:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge; mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats
and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the
husband replied, "in-laws"
Weird Fact :
Close to 3 billion movie tickets are sold in India every year.
Botanist Roy Noble had always dreamt of ending world hunger. After
years of research, his hard work paid off. He developed a strain of
peas that would grow virtually anywhere. It grew fast, kept long
without spoiling, and was more nutritious than even soybeans. He was
an instant hero, world wide. There were awards and parades, and
naturally the new strain of peas was named after him. After enjoying
the fame and fortune for a while, Roy decided he wanted to do more,
so he established a fund to award a monetary prize each year to
botanists and horticulturists who were making significant
contributions to their fields. Thus was born the famous Noble Peas
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell
out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him
over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the
carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the
box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry
sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to
have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what. The
trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
I wish I could have been there when your Dad met your Mom. I would have bought him a rubber.
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. And we do not know why, when they are so very noticeable. Also it has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed. So, by now we hope you have noticed that we are reminding you to notice the notices and to be noticed by notifying us that you have noticed the notices. And in turn we will notify those who sent the notices, notifying them that you have notice the notices. Thanks again for noticing this Notice.
The Notice Committee for Noticing Notices.
The physical therapist was feeling Bill's spine asking him to bend this way and that. He had told her that he felt his back was about to go out.
"Everything seems fine," she said very concerned. "Describe the pain for me."
So he described the tingly, tight sensation, and she stood nodding.
"Hey," he said pushing his groin out, "do you think my back could be hurting because it's under so much strain from supporting my penis?"
She uncontrollably looked at my crotch then jerked her head back up. "I doubt it," she said. "The bulge isn't big enough."
The other night in bed, April was flipping the pages of the latest People magazine. The magazine featured the "100 Most Eligible Bachelors."
After watching her flip through the entire magazine twice, I said, "What's wrong?"
"I've searched cover to cover and I still can't find the order form."
Nancy runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.
"It's my boyfriend," gushes Nancy, "He was working on the engine of his car when the hood came down and cut off his finger!"
"My God," shrieks Carol, "did it amputate his whole finger?"
"No thank goodness," sniffs Nancy, "but it was the one right next to it!"
A female blonde was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman cop who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the driver's license.
The driver dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she asked.
The cop replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the cop. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde cop looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
NEW YORK SUBWAY
The New York City subway is celebrating its 100-year anniversary.
When the New York subway was created a century ago, it was considered the greatest invention since indoor plumbing -- and, often it was used for the same purpose.
A prostitute on her period decides to catch a client anyway. She thinks to herself, "I'll find some drunk. He won't even notice anything,anyway."
She goes to the bar, finds a really drunk guy and takes him to the nearest hotel where they spend the night together. The guy wakes up the next morning, and she is already gone. As he starts to get out of bed, the guy sees that his hands are covered in blood. He starts running around the room, saying to himself in panic, "Oh, my God! I killed her! I killed her!"
As he runs to the bathroom he passes the mirror, stops, looks at himself for a second, then screams, "FUCK! And then, I ate her, too!"
Definition Of The Perfect Husband
A guy who makes his wife's panties wet...
He does the laundry every week.
A Prayer For The Stressed
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And help me be careful of the toes I step on today. As they may be attached to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work...
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday and
5% on Fridays.
Help me to remember...
When I'm having a really bad day & it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!
The new Vice Principal, made an announcement, over the school intercom "The staff and students would like to congratulate Mr. Spenser on his forthcoming marriage."
Later, when she saw him he thanked her for the special attention. He added, that perhaps, for grade school, she should use smaller words. It seems 2 or 3 students had asked him about his 3 earlier marriages.
A group of Americans was traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goats' milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours."
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.
He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
VISIT A SICK FRIEND
Mary: I asked my first ex-husband to go to the hospital with me to visit a sick friend. He refused.
Jill: But why?
Mary: He said, "Those hospitals are full of people with all kinds of stuff wrong with them. I might get sick!"
I said, "Well, you once went with me to a meeting at our daughter's school, and you didn't get smart, now did you?"
Women enjoy wearing black panties because it's a nice way of mourning for all the men buried there.