Friday, July 14, 2006

Kickin It On Sat.

The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had
been selling her body for 100 dollars a night. The agent, who had long
lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable.
He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he
wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to
pay her the same 100 dollars that the other customers did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get
my agent's 10% as a deduction?"

"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full
price for it just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local
nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the

At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done.
In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love
to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never
realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door
selling tickets."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink.
Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"

She having already downed a few power drinks she turned around,
faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, . . .

"Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place,
front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been
doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,
"No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little
Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

Boudreaux was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

She whispers, "Twenty dollars."

He'd never been with a hooker before but he decides what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going "at it" for a
minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Boudreaux answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well,"Boudreaux says, "neither did I until you shined that light in her
A Kentucky teacher was quizzing her students. "Johnny,
who signed the Declaration of Independence?"

He was older than some of the others. He said, " Damn
if I know who signed the fucking thing."

She was a little put out by his swearing, so she told
him to go home and to bring his father with him when
he came back.

Next day, the father came with his son, sat in the back
of the room to observe, as the teacher requested. She
started back in on her quiz and finally got back to the
boy. "Now, Johnny, I'll ask you again. Who signed the Declaration of

"Well, hell, teacher," Johnny said, "I told you I didn't

The father jumped up in the back, pointed a stern finger
at his son, and said, "Johnny, if you signed that fucking thing, you
damn well better own up to it!"
A father and his three beautiful, blonde, daughters went into a hotel to
stay for the night. When the daughters went to check in, they saw a
really good-looking bellboy. The father caught the three girls looking
at him and he threatened to kill the bellboy if he did anything at all
with them. So the bellboy minded his own business and ignored the

While he was working ever so diligently, the eldest daughter goes up to
him and says "If you don't do it with me in bed, I will pour red juice
on the sheets of my bed and tell my father that you popped my cherry."

Fearing for his life, he did it with her. Then he saw the beautiful
middle daughter in the hallway and she too walked over to him and said
"If you don't do it with me, I'll pour red juice on my bed and tell my
father that you popped my cherry."

Again fearing for his life, he agreed. Later that evening the youngest
blonde daughter saw him. She walked up to him and said "If you don't
have sex with me, I'll pour green juice all over the bed and tell my
father that you popped my cherry."

"Green juice?" He asked. "Why Green?"

She replied, "Because my cherry is not ripe yet, duh."

A couple whose marriage was going on the rocks sought the advice of a
marriage counsellor. The counsellor pleaded with them to patch up their
quarrel, but they were adamant. "So," said the counsellor, "you know the
consequences and you want to part. Remember this. You must divide your
property equally."

The wife flared up. "You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him
half? My money?"

"Yes," said the counsellor. "He gets $2,000. You get $2,000."

"What about my furniture? I paid for that."

"Same thing," answered the counsellor. "Your husband gets the bedroom and
the living room; you get the dining room and the kitchen."

There was a challenging gleam in the wife's eye. "What about our three
children?" That stumped him. Shrewdly he assayed the situation, then he came
up with a Solomonic answer. "Go back and live together until your fourth
child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two."

The wife shook her head. "No, I'm sure that wouldn't work out. If I depended
on him, I wouldn't have the three I got."
To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream and
glued his buttocks together.

To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen stereo.
His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital letters the
words "Henry Smith." His lawyer told the court: "My client is not a very
bright young man."

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became so
agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming "Call
me back!" and left his phone number.

To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and
phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered 'round her coffin in a
New York funeral parlor, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was going
on. Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs. Carson's
daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in sexual
intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit up post-coital cigarettes
in a nonsmoking compartment.
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the
man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She,
getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after
sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked,
and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin,
she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say
the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive, women who
sleep on their stomachs are competent, and women who sleep on
their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe
problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot
of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture
of the problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face
while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very
interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your
girlfriend's face once during sex, that seems somewhat
unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

R.I.P. Red Buttons


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