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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Late Nite Chuckles


Weird Fact :
A blue whale's tongue is so large that fifty could stand on it.
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POEMS. & OTHER HUMOR
Undertaker's Window: "Drive carefully. We can wait."

My father met us at the airport and gave me a big hog. Then he hogged
my wife. (Irene Ariel Mystery)

"Irish Flooring" by Lynn O'Leum

A massage chair warns: DO NOT USE MASSAGE CHAIR WITHOUT CLOTHING...
AND, NEVER FORCE ANY BODY PART INTO THE BACKREST AREA WHILE THE
ROLLERS ARE MOVING. (M-LAW)

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While I was watching the NFL playoff games
one weekend, my wife and I got into a conversation about life and
death, and the need for living wills.
During the course of the conversation I
told her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetive state,
dependent on some machine and taking fluids from a bottle.
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out
all my beer.
Sometimes it's tough being married to a smartass.

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As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Ted Kennedy, and I got one for Senator John Kerry. The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."




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My friend Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah." "We'll try," he replied compassionately. In due course Ida gratefully attended the festive rite of passage. Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding." "We'll do our best," he replied. And my friend happily attended her granddaughter's wedding. Ten years passed. Ida visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?" "Yes." "And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter's wedding?" "Yes." "Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress." "Yes?" "It has a 20-year guarantee..."
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Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble." The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?" The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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My wife chewed me out at the company picnic a while back. "Bill, doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???" "Huh? Not a bit," I replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"
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"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll be at the end of your troubles." So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and about six months later when he saw the preacher again he tried to murder him. "You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles. Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable." "That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles, but I never said which end."
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A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey
from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver
the donkey the next day.

The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I
have some bad news. The donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny----------"I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer---------" You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny----------"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he is dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What
happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny----------"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars
a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer---------"Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny---------"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two
dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

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There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a
downpour of thunder and rain. These two young guys ran for about 10
minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain
let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road,
laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other. All of
a sudden, an old Indian man's face appeared in the passenger window and
tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed, "Look at my
window!!! There's an old Indian guy's face there!" This old Indian man
kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well open the window a little and
ask him what he wants!" So the passenger rolled his window down and
says, "What do you want???" The old Indian softly replied, "You have any
tobacco?" The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He
wants tobacco!" The driver replies, "Well, offer him a cigarette!
HURRY!!" So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a
cigarette and yells, "Step on it!", rolling up the window in terror. Now
going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing
again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?" The driver
says, "I don't know...how can that be? I'm going pretty fast!" Then all
of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old
Indian man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!", the passenger
yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver. He rolls
down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a
light?" the old Indian quietly asks. The passenger throws a lighter out
the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!" They
are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to
forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again,
there is more knocking! "Oh NOOOOO! HE'S BACK!" He rolls down the window
and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear. The old man gently
replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Montana in Missoula. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and beg an to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising The Lord."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I
didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self
righteously.
"Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"

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Weird Fact :
Little Miss Muffet was a girl from the 16th century whose name was really Patience.
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1 Comments:

At July 09, 2006 9:56 PM, Blogger Patrick Joubert Conlon said...

OMG! That picture of the man's buns is disgusting. That pig butt needs moe roasting. I wondered where you were - you had PC probs.

 

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