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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Laughes and Stuff



A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife
speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so
what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband, he's driving me crazy! I'm
going to leave him if he continues!"
"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and
refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me
be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband
now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters.

The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving
her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving
and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What
could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits
that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange
in public; looking at the floor and never going near anyone
else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one
of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I
swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should
not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in
public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to
do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not
indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband feeling very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top
during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father
commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important
thing."

"What did he say?" asks the counselor

"With his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF JERKING OFF!

Do jerk off as much as you like.
Don't worry you won't go blind fromjerking off
unless you shoot sperm in your eye.
Do try to put yourself in an area where you won't be caught.
Do have a place to shoot your load already set up.
Do hide your spankerchief so no one can find it.
Do jerk off in the shower, as this will hide any and all evidence of
your perverted behavior.
Do drink cranberry juice as often as you can. This builds up your spermcount
incredibly!
Do not get sperm on yourself.
Do not shoot your load on a thick
rug and then try to clean it up withtoilet paper.
Do not hold your load in as long as you can in hopes that you'll shoot it
across the room. This can cause irreversible damage to your johnson.
Do not flex your legs too hard before you blow your load or you'll get a
cramp and ruin the moment.
Do not use your porn magazines as your spankerchief. That is future jerk
off material and if you spunk in it, you won't be able to use it again!
Do not ever jerk off while taking a shit. That is fucking disgusting!
Do not attempt to stick your finger in your ass while jerking off.
Thatwould make you gay. (Not that there's anything wrong with that)
Do not use Icy Hot for lubrication!
Do not, under any circumstances, try to shoot your load into your own
mouth! (unless you're gay then it's ok)
Do not participate in any group jerk off sessions or any circle jerk
events. If you do, don't get anyone else's sperm on
you.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A paleface went to the local Indian reservation where he metthe chief. How'
s
about letting me have one of your women for a littlewhile? Asked the
paleface.The chief responded, "How much money do you have?""I don't have any
money but I have this bag of corn." Said the paleface."A bag of corn huh."
Replied the chief.The chief thought for a moment then agreed to the deal.
"Take thatwoman there into my teepee." He said.So the paleface took the
woman into the teepee where she took all herclothes off and laid down on her
stomach. The paleface saw this andsaid, "No, you have to turn over onto your
back."The Indian woman replied by turning over pointing at her pussy
saying,"This money hole." Then turning over onto her stomach, pointing to
herass saying, "This corn hole."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+



Ol' Spot

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and
socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to
meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their
house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a
meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to
have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some
mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to
pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because
they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those
mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild
mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time
and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the
pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced
them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on
the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double
handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long,
Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she
decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come
out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her
head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and
socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered
in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down,
she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call
for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will
pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all
there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance
was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach
pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each
person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think
everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and
about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that
ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher
wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.

The first girl says "toast" -- t o a s t.

The second boy says "eggs" -- e g g s.

Little Johnny says "fuckin nothing" -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g.

The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch.

After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. The first class after
lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies.

Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, "He's at home on top of my mom.
That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a
while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to
watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night
for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the
redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his
arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to
enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman
the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued
her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden
was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It
was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle
breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He
fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over
to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you
mind taking the dog for a walk?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian.

Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If
I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian
and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some
cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from
Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned!
You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through
the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and
watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices
a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs
them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the
Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your
stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled.
The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out
how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you
know I'm from New Zealand?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zip."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo- geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary
of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not,
she's a robot! "No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model
from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit,
she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter.
And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding,
right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can borrow her if
you want" So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there
with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa!
Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!" The guy says, "Uhoh!
Perhaps I should have told him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


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