The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention inclass. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year oldcame into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, rememberMommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but whatis growing in your butt?"I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so Idecided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color itwas. She would tell me, and she was always correct. But it was fun forme, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,"Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson onemorning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup ofcoffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three ofthose little green army men and she asked him why they were they and hesaid on TV they say, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in yourcup!'"A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens.On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were twoboy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know that?" his motherasked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "Ithink it's printed on the bottom."THE ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches toelderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on myafternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the variousappliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merelyturned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground,Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, theteacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made uglyfaces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up andreplied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.""When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully InHis Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers That Were Riding WithHim In His Car."#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed hissecretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot whichcourse they were playing that day, and called for information.The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from hisdesk."Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "Is he five miles away fromhis desk, twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles away from hisdesk?"-----------------------------------------A father gave his little girl a puppy for her birthday. Just an hourlater he found a puddle in the middle of the kitchen floor.He called out loud for his daughter who came running into thekitchen. Her father asked her to explain why she wasn't watching her newdog.She looked up and said simply, "My pup runneth over."tvi
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyerwound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informedthem that in order to get into Heaven, they would each haveto answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? Theyjust made a movie about it."The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage manand, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guywould bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:"How many people died on the ship?"Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered,"about 1,500.""That's right! You may enter."St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
rits lining the streets, all wasgoingwell. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip themost horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,andthe coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did theirbest to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that wasa ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassingsituation.She turned to Pres. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please acceptmy regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even aQueen cannot control."George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, pleasedon't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't saidsomething, I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.