SIGNS YOU'RE AT A WEDDING IN TENNESSEE
* The rehearsal dinner is held at Hooters.
* Instead of "friends of the bride or friends of the groom?", ushers ask
"Ford or Chevy?"
* Bridesmaids wear pink tube tops and the groomsmen wear Travis Tritt
* Phrase "I Do" is replaced by "I Heard That!"
* Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" is replaced by "Rocky Top" and
performed by Boxcar Willie.
* When the minister asks, "Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married..." some
guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
* Reception conversation includes the phrase, "Been to Dollywood lately,
* Snack trays and beverages at reception include vienna sausages
(smoked, of course), nacho cheese Doritos and grandma's own moonshine.
* Plans for the Honeymoon evening include tickets to the Monster Truck
* The sign in front of the church reads: No Shirt...No Shoes...No
This little old lady is walking her dog around
the local lake. It is a cold morning and the
lake is still frozen. All of a sudden her little
dog spots a duck on the ice and runs out to bite
the sh*t out of it.
The dog falls through the ice and the little old
lady starts chucking a wobbler....
"Help, help.... my dog has fallen into the lake".
Watching all the commotion is a German jogger who
sprints over to the lady and says "Vot is zee
matter viv your dog; can I za help?"
"Oh yes please" says the old lady, so the jogger
wades in and saves the dog and puts it on the
bank beside the old lady.
"Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?"
"VET!", replied the German.... "VET!.... I'm
There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was
very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch
out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on
this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date.
This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would
greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or
threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the
door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going
to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent
the kids on their way.
The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty,
we're gonna get ome spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was
okay too, so off the two kids went.
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy
started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck. --" and the farmer shot him.
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The
priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it
is." "And, who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone.
You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads
A truck driver was driving along when he notices this female hitchhicker
so he slams on the brakes and picks her up. They go through the
pleasantries of meeting one another and then the truck driver asks if
she would give up a little something for the ride. She says, "Okay, but
what are we going to name the baby?" This scares the trucker so he lets
her off and goes on his way.
A few days later he sees another female hitchhicker and picks her up
also. He gets to know her and again he asks if she would give up a
little something for the ride. She says, " Okay, but what are we going
to name the baby?" He thinks for a little while and then says, "Will
think of something when we are done."
They have sex a couple of times and then sit back to enjoy a cigarette
when the girl asks, "So what are we going to name the baby?" He says,
"Oh! Thanks for reminding me!" He reaches down and removes a condom,
ties a knot in it, and throws it out of the window. He looks over at her
and says, " If it gets out of that we'll name it Houdini!"
An attractive young woman was in the doctor's office.
The doctor said, "I'll be doing a vaginal examination now."
She said, "Oh, doctor, is that really necessary?"
Boy, howdy, did he get mad!
"Listen!" he said, "who is the chiropractor here -- you or me?"
I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on
our first date the other evening. We had dinner at a
very nice restaurant and went to a stage show
afterwards. We were getting along fabulously and as the
time came to part I drove her to her house and walked
her to her front door.
Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying
she was so beautiful she reminded me of a wild rambling
rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted,
but not before we arranged to see each other the
I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged,
walked to and knocked on her front door. She came to
the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.
Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her
what had caused her to do that?
She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I
was very flattered by the compliment you gave me and
looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It
said that they did not perform well in bed but when
tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."
When you think of it, there are only two things people need.
You got to have sex. You got to have food. That's it. You don't need
clothing, shelter, or TV. Okay, maybe TV, but otherwise, it's sex and
But for some reason, some people think sex is dirty. Maybe God was a
Somebody said, "All right, you want to propagate, go ahead, but only
late at night, with all the doors closed, man on top, once a week,
that's it." But not only can you eat the charred decaying flesh of other
major mammals, you can do it in broad daylight and invite all your
friends to watch: "Hey, Chuck, why don't you come over on Sunday? We're
going to kill a pig, cut him up, burn him, and eat him. Bring the kids,
we'll have a hell of a time."
What if they had been switched around? What if, through a simple twist
of fate, sex was clean but food was dirty? Our entire culture would
change. Food would become a four-letter word.
When people got angry at you, they'd yell out "Oh yeah? Well, food you.
Suck cheese you Popsicle slurper." Punks in passing cars would flip you
the fork. Flashers would have pizzas strapped to their chests. "Oh my
god. It's a pepperoni."
Locker room talk would change.
"Hey, man, how'd you do this weekend?"
"Two burgers and a bag of fries. Crinkle cut."
Garlic would be illegal in most Southern states.
Supermarkets would check I.D.'s and charge admission to the poultry
section. Frederick's of Hollywood would feature peekaboo napkins and
day-of-the-week paper plates. Foreplay would be listed as a menu
Vice squads would conduct raids on backyard barbecues.
"All right, put down your meat.
Just back away from the buns, mister."
Vegetarians would be prohibited from becoming teachers and a lot of them
would move to the Bay Area. Hookers would become cooks.
You'd be accosted on street corners by plump ladies in Day-Glo aprons.
"Hey, big boy, looking for a hot meal? Wanna crack some crab?"
Fudamental Christians would make meat and potatoes a religious tenet.
Many sexual positions would be found to be carcinogenic. Parents would
tell their children not to play with their food or they'll go blind.
Kids would remember the first time their mother caught them marinating
An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash
and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon
arrive on site.
Medic: "It's O.K. I'm a paramedic and I'm going
to ask you some questions"
Medic: "What's your name"
Medic: "O.K. Sharon, is this your car?"
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate"
Two women are walking through a zoo... They come across the
and notice that the male guerrilla has a massive erection. The
women are fascinated by this.
One of the women just can't bear it any longer and she reaches
the cage to touch it.
The guerrilla grabs her, drags her into the cage and screws her
hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand
When he's done, the gorilla throws the woman out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the woman is taken away to the
A few days later, her friend visits her in the hospital and
- Are you hurt?
- AM I HURT? She shouts,
Wouldn't you be?
He hasn't called... He hasn't written...
Not even an e-mail!
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for
it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that
you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't even notice that I had gotten a new hair cut, cooked your
favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You came home
and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't want sex
anymore or anything. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me
anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. Don't trying to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!
Dear Ex-Husba nd
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that
you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far
cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out
your constant whining and gripping. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice
when you got a hair cut last week, the first thing that came to mind was
"You look just like a girl!" but my mother raised me not to say anything if
you can't say anything nice. ! And when you cooked my favorite meal, you
must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago. I turned away from you when you had those new silk boxe rs
on because the price tag was still on them. I prayed that it was a
coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
morning ... and your silk boxers were $49.99. After all of this, I still
loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discov ered that I
had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens
for a reason I guess. I hope you have the full-filling life you always
wanted. My lawyer sai! d with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a
dime from me. So ta ke care.
Signed Rich and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carla, my sister, was born
Carl. I hope that's not a problem
OK, I found your problem...
IBM Ball Replacement
Subject: IBM Ball Replacement
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Units)
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it
may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU.
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically it
may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse ball by examining
the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than
foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off
method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls
are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in
sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing
its balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
To reorder, specify one of the following:
P/N3F8462 Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N3F8461 Foreign Mouse Balls
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls
for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his
balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing
these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working
balls is an unhappy customer.
Snake Engagement Methods as found in US Military Rules of Engagement (ROE)
Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO)...
01. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
02. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
03. Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
04. Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC gives
steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base.
05. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
06. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage
with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred
civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a
success and all participants (inc. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are
awarded Silver Stars.
07. Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State
Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by
building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to
kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon
08. Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis
in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter
mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to
properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
09. Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire
support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL. Snake dies.
Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad
10. Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships,
kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on
how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force
11. Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local
civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
12. Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
13. Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
14. Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works
feverishly to save snake's life.
15. Supply: (NOTICE Your anti-snake equipment is back ordered.)
16. C-130 crew: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares
away on roof of children's hospital. Returns to base for refuel,
crew rest and manicure.
17. F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and
engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft
18. F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses
snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather.
Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry
with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover etc.) Suggests
procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
19. AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, cold-blooded snakes
don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert
without power lines or SAMs.
20. UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds
bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone.
Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
21. B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every
other living thing within two miles of target.
22. Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but
can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use
23. Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators
of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for
snake activity as LOW.
24. Judge Advocate General (JAG a.k.a. The lawyer): Snake declines to bite,
citing grounds of professional courtesy.
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number,
I dialled him -- and got a woman.
"Is Mike there?" I asked confused.
"Umm, he's in the shower," she responded.
"Would you please tell him his girlfriend called," I said and
immediately hung up.
When he didn't return the call, I angrily dialled again. This time a man
answered. "This is Mike," he said.
"Like Hell you are!" I exclaimed. "You're not my boyfriend!"
"Lady, I know that," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell
my wife for the past half-hour."
Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his
When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other
said: "Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"
The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play