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Monday, July 17, 2006

ODDS AND ENDS



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Little Gregory was a healthy baby boy. EVERYTHING about him was normal.
When he was thirteen months old, he had to be taken into hospital for a
hernia operation. Doctors discovered that his dick was in fact an enlarged
piece of a little girls identity and Gregory was actually a girl!
*******

A Zimbabwe businessman was attempting to remove a dangerous Cobra which had
slithered into the engine of his car, when the snake spat at him and with
deadly accuracy landed her stinging venom right into his eye. This usually
causes blindness. Fortunately, a lorry driver who had parked nearby saw
what had happened and pulled the agonized man into the cabin of his truck,
where his wife was breast-feeding her baby. He pushed him over to the
astonished woman and told her to squirt some milk into his eyes. This
diluted the venom and the victims eyesight was saved.

******
In 1983 the villagers of Brignoles in France were astonished when there was
a freak storm and thousands of toads fell out of the sky. They had been
whisked up into the sky by a whirlwind which blew across nearby breeding
ground and having blown itself out, left the toads to fall to the ground!
******
People who brought an edition of the Bible printed in 1631 by Barker and
Lucas were surprised when they came to the following verse in the book of
Exodus: 20:14 Thou shalt commit adultery. The printers left out the word
not. The English monarch, Charles 1, was horrified, recalled all 1.000
copies and fined the printers 3,000.
********

Salt was valuable in Roman times that Julius Caesar paid his soldiers in
salt rather than money. The Latin word for salt is sal thus giving us the
word salary.
*********

An Athenian taxi driver was more than a little surprised when the man he had
stopped to pick up gave him his own address as his destination. The taxi
driver did not say anything, but drove the passenger as requested. He got
out of the car and let himself into the drivers house with a key. A few
minutes later, the driver crept onto his house and caught the bloke having a
quick one with his wife!

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A pretty young lass had recently joined our countty club, and one of my
buddies offered to give her some instruction.
-
He was standing closely behind her and showing her how grip the club and
swing it back and forward.
Their moving bodies caused the zipper on his fly to get caught in the
zipper the back of her skirt.
-
They were stuck fast together and were slowly were moving in lock step
towards the club house to get assistance.
-
Suddenly my dog, Shadow, a big black, bundle of fur, a 125 pound Giant
Schnauzer, jumped out from some bushes and threw a bucket water over
them.

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The wrinkled old woman managed to get on the train, and exhausted,
dragged herself into her berth, which was an upper one in a sleeper car.

Shortly after falling asleep, the woman was awakened by loud snoring
from the lower berth. She tried wrapping the blankets around her
head, but to no avail; finally, she kicked her heels on the mattress.

Moments later a mans voice came from below.
"Save your energy lady," he said, "I got a peek at you when you came
aboard."
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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next

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Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.
My reasons are numerous and after being married for
seven years, and having a child each year, I have come
to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely
useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm
Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife
fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the
Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At
this time we were living with the in-laws and we had
to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house
was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if
we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright.
It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with
clear skin, silky hair a! nd another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and
down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After
breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up
and down she would have ended up with two black eyes,
and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated
how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife
fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I
fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can
prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many
unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we
had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely
a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this
as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But
alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were
given the largest size, but it was still too tight
across her f! orehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling
out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife
started then to put it between her knees, thus
preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did
work for a while until the night she forgot
it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is
unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex.
Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could
never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Bubba

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
(Stolen from Dean's That's Comedy)

The following is somebody's "real life" telemarketing solution!

Our biggest disappointment with caller id was that many phone calls were
tagged "Out of Area" rather than giving a phone number. In particular, banks
of phones behind switchboards or in a Centrex are marked that way, which
covers most of those pesky telemarketers that make our lives so miserable.
We've found a way to work around that, which others with Caller ID may also
wish to use.

When we get calls marked Out of Area, especially at the prime telemarketer
time (6-8 P.M.), we now answer the phone, "KDNA, you're on the air!" Usually
the telemarketer will be a bit befuddled, and ask for one of us by name. We
will repeat that we are a radio station, that the caller is on the air and
is, in fact, the twenty-fifth caller.

Here's a dialog with one telemarketer who bit real hard:

Me (seeing Out of Area on Caller ID, using bouncy DJ voice):
KDNA, you're on the air!
Telemarketer: May I speak to Mad-uh-leen So...So...So-johr-nohr?
Me: This is KDNA, and you are on the air! You've just won your
choice of a new Ford Explorer or $25,000 in cash!!!
Telemarketer: I have?
Me: You certainly have.
Telemarketer: Oh, my god!
Me: Happy? Which will it be, the Explorer or the money?
Telemarketer: I don't know! Let me get my supervisor!
Me: You don't need your supervisor, it's your prize. Are you
calling us from work?
Telemarketer: Yes I am.
(Background voices.)

Telemarketer: My boss says to take the money.
Me: The money! So you listen to KDNA while you're working?
Telemarketer: I didn't even know we were calling you!
Me: Well, where are you calling us from?
Telemarketer: (Some place thousands of miles from us.)
Me: My, my! I guess you can't pick us up all the way out there!
So what's your name?
Telemarketer: Sherry.
Me: Sherry, tell us here on KDNA what kind of music you like.

Sherry: I'm so nervous I can't even think! Nothing like this has
ever happened to me!
Me: Sherry, if you like the kind of music that we play here on
KDNA, we'll play one just for you!
Sherry: But I wouldn't be able to hear it. Where's your radio
station, anyway?
Me: We're broadcasting out of Silicon Valley, California, at
106.6 FM.
(Obviously, telemarketer isn't smart enough to know FM stations
don't end in even decimals.)
Sherry: This is just so great!
Me: Sherry, how old are you?
Sherry: I'm 20.
Me: And what do you do?
Sherry: I'm a business student at (some college).
Me: What will you do with the money, Sherry? Start a business?
Sherry: Oh, I just don't know!
Me: I thought you said you were at work, Sherry.
Sherry: I am. This is to help pay for college.
Me: What's your job?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer.
Me: You're a what?
Sherry: I'm a telemarketer ... I call people up and ask them if
they want to buy (product/service/etc.)
Me: Oh, that's too bad.
Sherry: Why?

Me: Because we here at KDNA think telemarketers are the lowest
scum on earth, and I don't think we can give this prize to a
telemarketer. You folks are always interrupting people during
dinner and I think that's rotten. So I don't think you should
win.
Sherry: But that's not fair!
Me: Of course not! But hey, it's my radio show, I get to make the
rules.
Sherry: But you can't do that!
Me: I sure can, I'm giving this prize to the next caller.
Meanwhile, I suggest you quit your job. Today.

Click.
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One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.
"What the ? ? ?," he said to himself as a little blue "dust "
cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom,
"why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She shot back:
"It's not talcum powder.
It's 'Miracle Grow'
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The Whorehouse Doors!

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading, "Over 35" and "Under 35."
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35." He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches."
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night."
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

Definitions I

1)Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are
more popular than a five day test.

2)Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the
lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds
of either"

3)Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

4)Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

5)Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated
by feminine water-power ..

6)Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens &
everybody disagrees later on.

7)Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you
have never felt before.

8)Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

9)Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

10)Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

11)Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you
actually do.

12)Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.






So true in the 21st Century ...
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relationship - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss - Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very less!!!!

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