One day the wife asked her husband what will he do if she
were to die.
The husband replied, "I'll also die."
The wife asked him, "Why?"
Husband replied, "Well, you know I have a heart condition
and most likely I would not be able to tolerate that much happiness."
Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.
Q. What do you call a female police officer that shaves her pubic hair?
A. C**t Stubble.
Q. Why do only 10% of women go to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be hell.
Q. What goes: "CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it? CLICK -is that it?"
A. A blind person with a rubix cube.
Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.
Q. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A. An itchy cock.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a bad place for a guy to pick up women?
A. Women who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
Q. Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A. The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.
Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!
Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
A. They're called 'Predickamints'
Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?
A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the ultimate rejection?
A. When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence!
Q. Why are women are like tires?
A. There's always a spare.
Q. What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
A. Beethoven's First Movement.
Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A. A tran-sister.
Q. How do you know when a male porn star is at the gas station?
A. Right before the gas stops pumping he pulls out the nozzle and sprays it all over the car.
Q. What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A. A salad shooter
Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long
day in the city.
One asked the other, "Your son go back to college
"Two days ago."
"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over.
In May, he'll be an engineer."
"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of
"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about
"No, I mean what's he taking in college?"
"He's taking every penny I make."
"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough?"
"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight
"Well, has sending him to college done anything at
"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging
Weird Fact :
Before soccer referees started using whistles in 1878, they used to rely on waving a handkerchief.
My mailbox is being flooded with mail concerning gas prices and illegal immigrants.
To boycott oil companies or not;
to provide amnesty to illegal immigrants or not, etc.
Since I have become jaded to the various solutions proposed by the Republicans,
Democrats, Sierra Club, ACLU, etc., I have elected to solve the problems as
they affect me.
It solves both my gas and illegal immigrant problems.
I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car.
They're plentiful and cheaper than buying gas.
I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.
The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to
hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not for what I do in the
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep...
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department
store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all.
She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said "Let's get a
pair for each outfit".
We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave
short of a shipwreck.
I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis
bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing
sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function.
He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins
next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on
the stove, I left early to go shopping - Love you!!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the
morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks,
"Son...what happened last night?"
Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk,and out of your mind. You broke the
coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast
is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh, THAT!...Mom dragged you to
the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
"Leave me alone, bitch, I'm married!!!".
Broken table - $200
Hot breakfast - $5
Red Rose bud - $3
Two aspirins - $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time.....................Priceless?
"The Real Man Test"
Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these
questions. Knowing this, women will have
come far in understanding men and enriching
their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit
the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter.
As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present
you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device
that is capable of curing all disease, providing an
infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger
and poverty, and permanently eliminating
oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your
youthful life do you miss the most?
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and
this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him
know that, for business reasons, you have to have him
5. You have been seeing a woman for several years.
She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy
being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two
of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football
game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out
of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she
really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the
uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
get married; only whether you believe that you have
some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a
future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her,
you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime
soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want
to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw
play on third and seventeen.
6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a
woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with
her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you
say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea
breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her
eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill
and asks you to get your three children ready for
school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and
developed new holes so large that you're not sure which
ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear
molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A
real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody
and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife
is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she
is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a
more intimate relationship with it than with her).
9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable
explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites
all over the place for forty years before they finally
got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised
Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
10. What is the human race's single greatest
C. Remote control.