The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and women lay better.
Divorce laws can make you crazy. One state says you can't get a divorce unless you can prove adultery. That's weird. The Ten Commandments say you shouldn't, and the state says you have to.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a turkey? A: A pussy gobbler.
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from playing bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, . . . if he could fuck, he could fly."
A woman strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?"
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly,"without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married." "Honey," he replied with a grin. "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
Cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
About being broke and not feeling well?
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today ?
Weird Fact :
According to research, the most productive workday is Tuesday and the least productive is Friday.
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to
play with them. They thought it was because they weren't baptized.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the custodian was there.
One said, "We've got to be baptized cause no one will play with us.
Will you baptize us?"
So the custodian took them in the bathroom and dunked them in the
toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play."
When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked,
"What religion are we?"
We're not catholic cause they pour the water on you and we're not
Baptist cause they dunk your whole body."
The littlest one said, "I smelled that water and I know what we are
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on
" What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man.
"You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way
home last night,I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took
her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We
made love all night, all over the house. We did everything,
me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!
Fantastic!," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard. Was
"Dunno... never found the head!"
Weird Fact of the Day:
ABBA got their name by taking the first letter from each of their names (Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny, Anni-frid.)
Village Vamp Lessons:
Blowjobs: First things first, you have to give blowjobs.
Like, all the time. And you have to talk about giving blowjobs to your
girlfriends on the bleachers at the baseball diamond. This trashy girl
asked me if I ever gave a blowjob and I said no, I was only thirteen,
and she cut me off and said she swallowed the cum and it tasted like
salt. I asked if she would get pregnant and she looked up and to the
left like she had no idea and went, "Um, no. It's in my tummy. And
besides, I am on my period now." She had a dirty backyard, too, and I
almost stepped on a dirty diaper.
You have to have a dirty backyard if you want to be a small town slut.
Back to blowjobs. Now, we have all heard of a girl who gave some guy a
blowjob in front of his buddies after he threw a blanket on her head.
This is truly something to aspire to. Especially if you're doin' it for
Handjobs: I know I've jumped the gun and went straight to blowjobs but
still, a handjob is where it all begins (after french-kissing), and is
quite essential in the mastering of one's craft.
You can't be shy. You can't have shame. You have to grab crotch.
Take out his dick, spit on your hand and move it around all over his
meat. He's probably baked and shy and insecure about being a high school
dropout. Really, though, he's romantic and has a big burning crush on
you. Still, if you give a bad handjob, he will be forced to tell all
his friends about it.
This is a good thing because then everyone will know you
are a slutface and will invite you over to smoke weed in the hopes of a
Being felt up: Okay, I don't know what fucking show you watch or what
novels you've read, but no one says "being felt up," ever. I don't know
what we say. Probably "Oh, I grabbed her tits" or "I sucked her boobs."
That's just uncomfortable and boring most times because you have to look
down at this loser trying to get you all hot by gently nipping at your
under-developed nubbies and now he's seen your dirty, Wal-Mart bra.
The only good thing about having your tits sucked is you get to hold
your soda and your smoke and you don't have to do anything but wait for
him to get a boner and then you can go to town on it.
Kissing: You have to use your tongue, there is no question about it.
Unless he knows you're super trash and wants to go straight to a
This is fine.
If you want him to fall in love with you, you might want to put some hot
breath action on his ear and make your voice all throaty and go, "Fuck,
I wanna suck your cock so bad," or whatever other dumbass things you
If you don't know how to kiss you are a tardbag and should probably stay
indoors and wait until your parents bring you over to the relatives and
let your uncle make eyes at you.
Brothers, friends: You have to go down on your brothers and their
friends and everyone who knows everyone else.
Kinkiness: I'm not even going to tell you about this because small town
guys can't handle it. They don't have the attention span nor staying
power to let you talk dirty to 'em or hog-tie 'em. Whatever. Reserve
your wild side for sugar daddies and fat men with money.
You'll thank me later.
What can a bird do that man cannot???
Now don't cheat....think about it!
Whistle through his pecker
Now admit it....unless you're a REDNECK,
you've never thought of such a BRILLIANT plan!
Maybe I should share this one with the neighbors~!