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Friday, July 21, 2006

Saturday Early Edition


Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get
something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's
one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even
feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said,
"Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a
heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Political Cow Analogy

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty
for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your
cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people
you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to
your neighbor. You're placed in a cooperative to tell him how to manage
your cow.

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides
you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive
and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull,
and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes
you to
the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country
who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes
them
both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the
milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back
to
yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You
spin an annluncement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are
reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FLORIDA CORPORATION: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone
votes
for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one
best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people
vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best
looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose
which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat, bossy
bitch cow from Arkansas
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mechanical

A man had been in a terrible car accident, and woke up in the hospital.
Looking around, he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed. "Jesus, doc,"
the man exclaimed, "what the hell happened? Where am I?" The doctor
replied, "You have been in a bad car accident, and you're in the
hospital, but don't worry, you're going to be all right. The bad news is
that we had to amputate your right arm, above the elbow." "Oh no," the
man screamed. "I'd rather be dead. I can't go through life without my
arm. Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like this..." "Now, son," said
the doctor, "with the miracles of modern medicine today, we can give you
a bionic arm. It only costs one million dollars, and it looks and works
just like the real thing. Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."
"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the hell am I gonna get a
million bucks? I'm better off dead." "Hang on, now," said the doctor.
"We've been looking for a case like yours for a while now. We just came
up with a new arm. For only ten thousand dollars, you can have it. It
looks just like the more expensive one, but the only difference is that
this one has a small microphone built into it, and you have to TELL the
arm what to do. Other than that, it works just like the other one."
"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford ten grand. Go ahead, sew it
on." The next day, the guy woke up in the same bed, and saw the doctor
leaning over him again. "Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all
right?" "We think that the operation was a success," replied the
surgeon, "but you will have to try it out, and let us know if there are
any problems with it." Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed,
practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he commanded. The arm lifted up.
"Move right." The arm moved to the right. "Move left." The arm moved to
the left. Everything seemed to be working without a hitch, and he was
really pleased. All of a sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.
He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the restroom. "Arm, reach down
and undo my zipper." The arm obeyed. "Take out my wang." The arm obeyed
flawlessly. The guy took a leak, and when he was done, he commanded,
"Shake it." The arm gave it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," said the guy, "that feels pretty
good... jerk it off."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Christmas is coming... You might want to print out several copies of
this and leave them where he'll find them -- like, taped to the front of
the TV, wrapped around the remote, glued over this month's Playboy
centerfold...

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that
is going to make "housework" easier. A few
examples: a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those
mops they advertise on TV that does everything but suck the life out of
you, anything in a infomercial. The only appliance allowed is a
variable-speed vibrator, adjustable to Slow, Medium, and Who Needs A
Man. Another wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin
cycle. Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on
it during spin-dry and end up smiling throughout the evening.

In other words, if you must buy her something that plugs in, make sure
it gives her the kind of pleasure you never have. ( how about a cloths-
dryer )

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies (e.g., "Honey, I got you that large box of
Tide you've been wanting!" ... "This Windex should last you a while" ...
"I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All
I can say is, be prepared to run.

One more thing: A Chia Pet is *not* a romantic gift.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices,
or a set of Ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a
weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on
your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey,
I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By
then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter-inch hole
into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a
lame gift... unless, of course, she's into tools -- in which case, buy
the darned drill *she* wants, not the drill *you* want.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a
trap door in back, or a Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon-character
nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy
woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from
Victoria Secret (just like you did for your girlfriend).

6. No-name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de
Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom or your dirty socks. If
you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.( Saks,
Nordstrom, etc... )

7. Any type of cubic zirconium jewelry you see on the Home Shopping
Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that
fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it.

8. Do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute
you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if
you're a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say
it's beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath,
"Where the heck would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for
bad taste?" An additional hint: Plaids do not go with stripes (even
though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). It's a known fact
to the rest of the world that that is a taboo.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers.
Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the
correct response to "Do these pants make me look fat?" A better
alternative would be to hire a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer
to get her motivated into getting fit. She'll certainly get a workout
stretching to the oldies while stuffing dollar bills into his G-string.
I'm not sure, but I think that alone burns up 3,500 calories.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or "funny"
novelty books like "How Not to Be a B*tch Monday Through Saturday."
These are not considered gifts, but reasons for seriously injuring the
person who bought it -- and just may stand up in court of law as grounds
for justifiable homicide.



A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is
about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next
to her.

"Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back
towards the golf shop."

"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."

He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a
few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad." she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly
long. Only a few of them are slicing."

"Tanks, again, Miss." he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know
dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquired again. "Do you mind I should ask a
poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replied.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat ?"

"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that
is your problem.

Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask.
Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you
mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.

"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take." he
answered.

"Get rid of your Jewish accent" she replied. "
.....You're Chinese."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Love This One)
Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist. The
journalist asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the
head of a deer before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?`
or is it `Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "They aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I
going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away.'
They are very much like the French in that way."



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It has been known for many years that Sex was healthy, but until now
nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different
sexual activities. Now, after "original and proprietary" research, they
are proud to present the results:

Removing her clothes:

With her consent...............................12 Calories

Without her consent............................2187 Calories

Opening her bra:

With both hands................................8 Calories

With one hand..................................12 Calories

With your teeth................................485 Calories

Putting on a condom:

With an erection...............................6 Calories

Without an erection............................3315 Calories

Positions:

Missionary.....................................12 Calories

69 lying down...................................78 Calories

69 standing up.................................812 Calories

Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories

Doggy Style....................................326 Calories

Italian chandelier............................2912 Calories

Orgasms:

Real.........................................112 Calories

Fake..........................................1315 Calories

Post orgasm:

Lying in bed hugging.................................18 Calories

Getting up immediately...............................36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.......816 Calories

Getting a second erection: If you are:

20_29 years....................................36 Calories

30_39 years....................................80 Calories

40_49 years....................................124 Calories

50_59 years....................................1972 Calories

60_69 years....................................7916 Calories

70 and over....................................Results are still pending

Dressing afterwards:

Calmly.........................................32 Calories

In a hurry.....................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door...........5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door............13,521 Calories

A young amarous couple were about to do the wild thing. They had a box
of a dozen condoms.

They proceeded to do the wild thing, just once. When she returned, only
to discover that there were only six condems remaing in the box of 12,
she asked him "what happened to the other five condoms?"

His reply was "Honey, I masturbated with them."

She then went to her male confidant friend and told him told him the
story, and asked him if he had ever done this.

"Yeah, once or twice" he told her.

"You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" she said.

"Oh" he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to my girlfriend."

~~~~~~~~~~~~


Horny

HE WANTS TO GET LAID

Watching a nature show where animals fornicate, he keeps winking and
doing the eyebrow thing.

When you ask him what kind of car he likes to drive, he solemnly
replies, "The skin bus to tuna town," and then laughs until he cries.

You note that integrity is so important in a man, he replies that what
he looks for in a "chick" is "you know."

He whispers, "you're beautiful" to your thighs, then glances up at your
face and says, "oh you, too."

When you comment on the rarity of men these days who seek mature
relationships, he giggles quite a bit.

In conversation with others, he refers to you as his "quality tail."

Washing dishes after you've cooked him dinner for the first time, you
reach behind you to take the paper towels off the paper-towel rod and
then realize that you don't own a paper-towel rod.

When you're insulted by his "motel" suggestion at the end of your first
date, he looks impressed and says, "hotel."

When you proudly recount your glorious high school valedictory speech to
him, he praises "your multitalented mouth."

When you tell him what you do for a living, he stares at your breasts
and loudly asks, "What do they do?"

1 Comments:

At July 22, 2006 4:19 AM, Blogger Assorted Babble by Suzie said...

You always make me smile and laugh. (smiling)

Sorry for not returning YET, your emails...will try to this weekend. Hope you are feeling better...here not so well. I'm going to try to catch up today on some posting...and returning a few notes...been off the computer for a couple days.

 

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