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Friday, July 14, 2006

Saturday Shorts





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JEST FOR KIDS
RIDDLES
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
Where do math teachers like to eat?At the lunch counter. (Oona, 10)
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?A lawn moo-er.
What kind of flower would you find on a face?Tulips
Why did the horse go behind the tree?To change his jockeys.
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A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Goodmorning," said the young man. "
If I could take a couple of minutes of yourtime,
I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuumcleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she
proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged
his foot in the door and pushed Wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said "Not until you have
at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse
manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all
traces of thishorse manure from your carpet,
Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said,
"Well I hope you've got a good appetite,
because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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A dreary dreamy young poet
Sailed to a South Seas isle.
There he met a girl named Lorrie
Who bewitched him with her wiles.
This beautiful girl danced for him.
He and she were pals.He never dreamed that
LorrieWas a ferocious cannibal.
One day Lorrie got hungry.'T
is sad to tell of his fate!Oh, what chagrin
to be rememberedAs the poet Lorrie ate!
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In my church, we have a time "For All Ages" during each service. On theSunday before Memorial Day, our Director of Religious Education mentionedto the kids that Memorial Day used to be called Decoration Day, and sheasked if anyone knew why it would be called that.One small child said "...the Decoration of Independence?"
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Old Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing
comes out."
"Ah, that's nothing ," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, not really, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every morning at
6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
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IF MY BODY WERE A CAR
If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.
I’ve got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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