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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Saturday's Laughs



HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand
as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do
with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned
on me what she meant, I fell off the damned roof!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Ten things men shouldn't say out loud in Victoria's Secret...

10. Does this come in children's sizes?

9. No thanks... just sniffing.

8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.

7. Mom will love this.

6. Oh, the size won't matter. She's inflatable.

5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.

4. Will you model this for me?

3. The miracle what? This is better than world peace!

2. 75 bucks? You're just gonna end up naked anyway.

1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your ass into that.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A young amorous couple were about to do the wild thing. They had a box
Of a dozen condoms.
They proceeded to do the wild thing, just once. When she returned, only
To discover that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12,
She asked him "what happened to the other five condoms?"
His reply was "Honey, I masturbated with them."
She then went to her male confidant friend and told him told him the
Story, and asked him if he had ever done this.
"Yeah, once or twice" he told her.
"You mean you have masturbated with a condom before?" she said.
"Oh" he said, "I thought you meant have I lied to my girlfriend."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell
me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds
prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad,
can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed.

I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"
she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"
she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.
"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" th ey shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think
she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern
here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb,
for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

"Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle.
And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless
manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm
picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled
the lizards and our son back into the car.

He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've d one, Dad," he told
me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...
1 - Cage - $50...
Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie...Priceless

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!








Are Kids Quick (or just smart asses?)

-----
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree,
but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish
him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
What is a Bachelor?

A man who believes that no marriage is warranted except the one that produced him.
A man who always aims to squeeze.
A man who always went out on double dates in college.
A man who avoids bride-eyed women.
A man who believes in life, liberty and happiness of pursuit.
A man who believes in wine, women and so long.
A man who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
A man who buys a tie for himself the day after Christmas.
A man who can forget his mistakes.
A man who can get into bed from either side.
A man who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
A man who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
A man who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
A man who can open his wallet without turning his head.
A man who can take a nap-on top of his bedspread.
A man who can take women or leave them -and prefers to do both; A man who can tell his symptoms to his doctor without having his wife interrupt A man who can use his home phone whenever he wants.
A man who can't be spouse-broken.
A man who can't stand the strain of a wife.
A man who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
A man who comes to work each morning from a different direction; A man who deeply believes in our American heritage of the Constitutional freedoms of life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit A man who didn't have a car when he was young.
A man who doesn't get around marrying. He just gets around.
A man who doesn't have to leave a party when he starts to have a good time.
A man who enjoys the chase but does not eat the game.
A man who expects to marry just as soon as he finds a girl who loves him as much as he does.
A man who failed to embrace his opportunities.
A man who gets tangled up with a lot of women in order to avoid getting tied down to one.
A man who goes to a drive-in movie on a one-seat motorcycle.
A man who has a cool head and cold feet.
A man who has a good head on his shoulder and it's a different one every night.
A man who has a single thought; Staying that way.
A man who has all his romances carried off without a hitch.
A man who has been lucky in love; A man who has been seen everywhere with women except at the altar.
A man who has cheated some worthy woman out of a divorce.
A man who has faults he doesn't even know about.
A man who has faults he has never been told about; A man who has lost the opportunity of making some woman miserable.
A man who has lots of changes to get married, but never took the chance.
A man who has made up his mind, that he can't make up his mind.
A man who has never come up with anything definite that a girl can put on her finger.
A man who has never gotten over his mother's conviction that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever; A man who has never lied to his wife.
A man who has never met a girl he couldn't live without.
A man who has never weakened during a weekend.
A man who has no button on his shirt but no hand in his pocket either.
A man who has no children to speak of.
A man who has no one to blame for mistakes but himself.
A man who has no one to share his trouble, but very seldom has troubles.
A man who has no ties except those that need pressing.
A man who has nobody to share the troubles he'd have if he were married.
A man who has one car, two suits, three girl friends and four parking tickets.
A man who has perfected the delicate art of avoiding the issue.
A man who has taken advantage of the fact that marriage is not compulsory.
A man who has the whole closet for himself.
A man who has to fix only one breakfast.
A man who has to wash his own back.
A man who hasn't found a girl worth giving up his phone for.
A man who is a free male.
A man who is a permanent temptation.
A man who is a rolling stone that gathers no boss.
A man who is able to say he never told his wife a lie; A man who is allergic to wedding cakes.
A man who is an eligible mass of obstinacy surrounded by suspicion.
A man who is at a great disadvantage in life A man who is crazy to get married and knows it.
A man who is foot-loose and family free.
A man who is foot-loose and fiancée-free.
A man who is known as a dame dropper.
A man who is looking for a date with no string attached.
A man who is lucky in love.
A man who is never miss taken.
A man who is not missing anything in life, except maybe a few buttons on his shirt.
A man who is one of those "ones" that "two can live as cheaply as"; A man who is smart enough not to go on a hayride with a grass widow.
A man who isn't fit to be tied; A man who knew when to stop.
A man who knows all the ankles.
A man who knows how to hold a girl's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
A man who knows if he has a girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
A man who knows more about women that men. That's why he is a bachelor.
A man who knows more than one willing girl.
A man who knows most about bringing up children.
A man who knows that two can live as cheaply as one but that it's worth the difference to stay single.
A man who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
A man who likes his girl friend just the way she is: Single!
A man who looks but does not leap.
A man who makes all his own mistakes.
A man who makes mistakes but not in front of a preacher.
A man who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
A man who never finds out how many faults he has.
A man who never knows where the next kiss is coming from.
A man who never lied to his wife.
A man who never makes the same mistake once.
A man who never marries because, when it comes to taking a wife, he doesn't know whose wife to take.
A man who never Mrs. any woman.
A man who never says: I'll give you a ring tomorrow.
A man who no girl has been able to maneuver into a situation where she can say "yes; A man who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur standing.
A man who rather has a woman on his mind than on his neck.
A man who takes a girl out until she wants to get married.
A man who thinks before he acts, and then doesn't act.
A man who thinks he is a thing of beauty and a boy for ever.
A man who thinks it's better to be laughed at for not being married than to be unable to laugh because you are.
A man who treats all women as sequels; A man who tries to avoid the issue.
A man who unfortunately is still holding his own; A man who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a girl's grip.
A man who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
A man who wants a girl on his arm but not on his neck.
A man who when a girl asks him for a diamond ring, turns stonedeaf.
A man who when things go wrong he has only himself to blame; A man who while having taken many girls out has himself, never been taken in; A man who will rather mend his socks than his ways.
A man who will take no for an answer.
A man who won't take yes for a answer.
A man who would rather change girls than change their names.
A man who would rather cook his own goose.
A man who would rather wash his own socks than dry his wife's dishes.
A man who wouldn't change his quarter for a better half.
A man who's been lucky at love.
A man who's never too old to be considered eligible and always too eligible to be considered old.
A man whose only excuse for not being married is that he was born that way.
A man with enough confidence in his judgment of women to act upon it.

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
They were on a cruise with some elementary school students when suddenly the boat sprung a leak and started sinking. The priest said, "Quick! We have to save the children!" The rabbi said, "Eh, f*ck the children." The priest looks at the rabbi and says, "Do we have enough time?"

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A man is just about to get a CD out of a cabinet when the
phone in the kitchen rings.

"Hello," says the man answering it.

"Hi," says a high woman's voice. "This is Tiffany the
housekeeper."

"Oh," says the man. "Hi Tiffany."

"Hi, Mr. Birschman. Sorry to call so late. I figured you'd
be back later, so I planned to leave a message. You see, I
had a problem when I was cleaning the bedroom."

"What sort of a problem?"

"Well, when I was trying to make your bed, your envelope of
emergency money, you know, the one you keep under the
matress, it fell out."

"Well, what's the problem, Tiffany?"

"Well, I wasn't sure just where to put it back, so I just
put it under the bottom left corner. Is that okay?"

"Yes. Thank you for telling me that, Tiffany. I appreciate
it."

"Oh, also, when I was vacuuming the living room, I found
that diamond ring you've been missing."

"That's wonderful, Tiffany! By the way, where did you put
it?"

"In the jewelry box on the dresser, of course!"

"And how did you lock it?"

"First I turned the key to the right, then I pulled it out
and tried the top to make sure it was locked," says the
housekeeper, revealing how well she remembered his
instructions.

"Good! And where did you put the key?"

"In the top right cabinet in the kitchen, under the good
china."

"Fantastic!" says the man, impressed.

"Oh, and I took the courtesy of wrapping the keys to the
Porsche in that adorable little box. I know your wife is
going to be so surprised."

"Stupendous. Thank you so much, Tiffany. You are really a
great housekeeper."

"Thank you, Mr. Birschman, and have a nice night."

"You too, Tiffany. Good night."

The man hangs up the phone, turns to his buddy, and says
with a grin, "This is going to be the easiest robbery ever!"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Moisha Rabinowitz in the late 1930s fled his native land of Germany. He
sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of
solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as
to why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So Moisha explained. "We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of
dishes for meat products and dairy products but I am so kosher and
religious I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said, "Well that accounts
for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said "Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use
separate dishes for Passover, but I am so religious I have separate
teeth, one for meat and one for dairy food.
The customs official slapped his head and then said, "You must be
a very religious man with separate teeth for food and dairy products and
likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets of teeth. What about
the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham
sandwich."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Sally, a very confused blonde, phoned her uncle and asked,
"Uncle Ernie, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?
Uncle Ernie let out a slight chuckle as he repeated, "I just want
some peace and quiet."
Sally let out a sigh, to which Uncle Ernie responded, "What's the
matter?"
Sally's voice drooped a bit as she replied, "I just came back
from the mall and they're out of it!"





The young man from N.C. came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the
parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license
number on it"


+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought
"service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a
bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I
understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on the
Porch one night.
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband,
Knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "For having a little pecker."
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off
The other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, "What was that for?"
He says, "For knowing there was more than one size."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Morris was in his usual place in the morning sitting
at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He
came across an article about a beautiful actress
that was about to marry a football player who was
known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife Sherry, with a look of question
on his face.

"I'll never understand why the biggest schmucks get
the most attractive wives."

His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"









Home remedy for a toothache
http://www.vitaminstohealth.com/home-remedy-for-a-toothache.html

Candy Clay PBS Kids Via Dianne
http://pbskids.org/zoom/activities/cafe/candyclay.html

Pierogi Fest
http://www.pierogifest.net/index.html

Storm Chasing Tours
http://www.stormchasing.com/

Tech Talk ( Computers and Web-tv) Via Simon

AbiWord - word processor perfect for low resource PC
http://www.abisuite.com/

Gnumeric - spreadsheet perfect for low resource PC
http://www.gnome.org/projects/gnumeric/

OpenOffice.org - complete rival to MS Office
http://www.openoffice.org/

Ragtime Solo DTP - Desktop publishing package free to 'home' users
http://www.ragtime-online.com/

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