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Sunday, July 09, 2006

Some Mo


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People in Tennessee have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in
the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those terms. So,
some folks in middle Tennessee got together and translated the "King James"
into "Jackson County" language: The Hillbilly's Ten Commandments (posted on
the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN.)

(1) Just one God.
(2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
(3) No tellin' tales or gossipin'.
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
(5) Put nothin' before God.
(6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
(7) No killin.'
(8) Watch yer mouth.
(9) Don't take what ain't yers.
(10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff.

Now that's kinda plain an' simple, don't ya think? Y'all have a nice day.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
On a Saturday afternoon, in Washington, D.C.,
Senator John Kerry's campaign manager visited the
Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral. He told the
Cardinal that John Kerry would be attending the next
day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would
kindly point out Kerry to the congregation and say a
few words that would include calling Kerry a saint.

The Cardinal replied, "No, I don't really like the
man, and there are issues of conflict with the
Catholic Church over certain of Kerry's views."

Kerry's manager then said, "Look, I'll write a check
here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your
church, if you'll just tell the congregation you see
Kerry as a saint"

The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the
church can use the money, so I'll work your request
into tomorrow's sermon."

As Kerry's manager promised, Senator Kerry appeared
for the Sunday sermon and seated himself prominently
at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the
sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that
Senator Kerry was present.

Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the
congregation, "While Senator Kerry's presence is
probably an honor to some, he is not my favorite
person. Some of his views are contrary to those of
the church, and he tends to flip-flop on many other
views. John Kerry is a petty, self absorbed hypocrite
and a nit-wit. John Kerry is a liar, a cheat, and a
thief. John Kerry is the worst example of a Catholic
I've ever personally witnessed. He turned on his
buddies in Vietnam. He wrote a book and portrayed
himself in the best light when he was a traitor to his
fellow servicemen. He has lied about his military
record and had the gall to put himself in for a medal.
He married for money and is using it to lie to the
American people. He also has a reputation for
shirking his senatorial obligations both here, in
Washington, and in Massachusetts. He simply isn't to
be trusted."

The Cardinal completed his view of Kerry with; "But,
when compared to Senator's Ted Kennedy & Hillary
Clinton, Senator Kerry is a saint."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
ODD NEWS REPORTS.....

"The license fee for altered dogs with a certificate will be $3 and for
pets owned by senior citizens who have not been altered the fee will be
$1.50."

"The accident occurred at Hillcrest Drive and Santa Barbara Avenue as
the dead man was crossing the intersection."

"Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

"The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials
are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

"The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a
cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to
purchase a stomach pump."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Blonde

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven
A: She didn't know which 1 came first.

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs
A: Because they can spell it

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday
A: Tell her a joke on Friday.

Q: Why do blondes have T.G.I.F. printed on their shoes
A: Stands for 'Toes Go In First.'

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a tire
A: 5: 2 to get sodas, 2 to cry and 1 to call daddy.

Q: How many blondes does it take to play hide and seek
A: One.

Q: How do you know a blonde has been working at your computer
A: There is "white-out" all over the screen.

Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she hold her hands over her ears
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in her ear
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear
A: Data transfer

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate".

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs
A: They don't know the route.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came
back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks
great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at
peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the
light goes off when I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he
said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call
because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets
up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and
then (poof!) the light goes off?"

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in
the refrigerator again!"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding
Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army,
and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something
spectacular for that recognition!"

So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!

The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"

"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the
Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my
white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to
the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3-day pass?' So we
exchanged tanks!"
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#



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A man from Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches in the
United States. He starts with the very large Grace Cathedral in San
Francisco and begins taking photographs, etc. He is about to leave when
he suddenly spots a golden telephone on a wall with a sign that reads:
"$10,000 a minute." Intrigued, he seeks out the priest and asks about
the phone and the sign. The priest said, "Oh, this golden phone is, in
fact, a direct line to Heaven and, if you want to use it, you can talk
directly to God. "Thank you very much", says the man and continues on
his way.

As he travels across the country, he finds the same phone and with the
same sign in Clinton, Nebraska; in Milwaukee and Chicago, and at the
Cathedral of St. John, the Divine in New York City. At each site, he
makes the same inquiry and gets the same answer from the local priest.

Finally, he arrives in Oregon. Upon entering a local church in Bend, Lo
and behold! -- he sees the usual golden telephone with a sign. But this
time, the sign reads, "Calls 25 cents." By now fascinated, he seeks out
the head priest and says, "Father, I have been in cities across the
nation, and in many churches I found a golden telephone like that one on
the wall over there. And in each city, I was told that it was a direct
line to Heaven and that I could speak personally with God. But in all
the other churches across the country, it was$10,000.00 a minute. Your
sign reads: 25 cents a call. Why?"

The priest smiles, and says, "Simple, my son. You're in Oregon now, and
it's a local call from here.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all
the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home:
"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare." In
class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out
loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates - many of them already laughing at
him - then replied, "Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny
wasn't cooked enough."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Every morning during our coffee break, my co-workers and I listened to the
culinary disasters of a newlywed colleague.

We then tried to share some helpful hints and recipes.

One day she asked us for step-by-step instructions on cooking sweet
potatoes, one of her husband's favorites. "I've finally been able to make
them sweet," she said, "but how do you make them orange?"

As the lone female in the house, the wife found that certain male habits
have really begun to get on her nerves.

One day, she emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when she
bumped into her husband.

"What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" she raged.

"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there
earlier."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#




+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A woman walks into the dentist's office, takes off her
underwear, sits down on the chair and spreads her legs
wide open.

"You must have made a mistake," says the shocked
dentist, "the gynecologist's office is one level
higher."

To that the woman replies, "No mistake, you installed
my husbands dentures last week, now you'll be the one
getting them out."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A young lady was describing to her grandfather her experience at the theater
the preceding evening. "Why, I was really shocked," the young girl said.
"Everybody in the place was making out."

"Making out? What in the world is that?" her grandpa asked.

"It's the same thing you called necking, Grandpa."

"Maybe so," Grandpa replied. "But now I call it reminiscing."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could not
distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had
devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month
cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits
50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it. Upon the end of the
voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The
ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway. The two embraced
and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?" The captain reached in
his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor. The
inventor blew his stack. He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar,
didn't they like it?" The captain
responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate
it."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#





Military Rules for Non-Military Personnel

this was forwarded to me. Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. Go
figure, authored by a Marine...

Please excuse the language - it is too good not to share.Thanks,
Veterans! Military Rules for Non-Military Personnel "Dear Civilians, "We
know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many
civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you
who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas
where we would like your
assistance:

(1) The next time you see an adult talking (or wearing a hat) during the
playing of the National Anthem---kick their ass.

(2) When you witness, firsthand, someone burning the American Flag in
protest---kick their ass.

(3) Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest
amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise,
quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the
very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many
sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold
them down while a disabled veteran kicks their ass.

(4) (GUYS) If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you
were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used
to be "Special Forces," and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have
been okay when you were seven years old. Now, it will only make you
look stupid and get your ass kicked.

(5) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do
you fly a jet?" Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such
ignorance deserves an ass-kicking (children are exempt).

(6) If you witness someone calling the US Coast Guard 'non-military',
inform them of their mistake---and kick their ass.

(7) Next time Old Glory (the US flag) prances by during a parade, get on
your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your
heart.

Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying
her---of course, failure to do either of those could earn you a severe
ass-kicking.

(8) Don't try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran.
We are Americans, and we all bleed the same, regardless of our party
affiliation. Our Chain of Command is to include our Commander-In-Chief
(CinC). The President (for those who didn't know) is our CinC regardless
of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside
those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All
we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the
situation, they call upon the military to go straighten it out. If you
keep asking us the same stupid questions repeatedly, you will get your
ass kicked!

(9) 'Your mama wears combat boots' never made sense to me---stop saying
it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and therefore, could kick
your ass!

(10) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying 'Let's
go kill those Commies!' And stop asking us where he is! Crystal balls
are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me---if you see
anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can
go kick their ass.

(11) 'Flyboy' (Air Force), 'Jarhead' (Marines), 'Grunt' (Army), 'Squid'
(Navy), etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other.
Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to
use them. That could get your ass kicked.

(12) Last, but not least, whether or not you become a member of the
military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and
religious holiday that you enjoy with family and friends, please
remember that there are literally thousands of sailors and troops far
from home wishing they could be with their families. Thank God for our
military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our
country would get its ass kicked."

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could not
distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had
devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month
cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits
50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it. Upon the end of the
voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The
ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway. The two embraced
and the inventor asked: "How much did we make?" The captain reached in
his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor. The
inventor blew his stack. He screamed, "What the hell, one dollar,
didn't they like it?" The captain
responded: "Oh yeah, oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate
it."
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old
woman walked by.

"Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa."

"Your nuts." "I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?"

The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she
hissed, striding off.

"Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now
we'll never know."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your
definition
of chicken?

GEORGE W BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We
just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.The
chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here and Dick Cheney
has
given me permission to say so.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It
was the
wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am
for it
now, and will remain against it until I change my mind again.


~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#

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