Well, a local guy has been arrested for the alleged murder of his wife. He's trying to get a change of venue, however,..so that his jury might include O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, and Phil Spectre.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
WHY YELLING AT A MAN DOESN'T WORK
What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry
What a man hears:
blah,blah,blah,blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah,blah,blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES
blah,blah,blah,blah, RIGHT NOW
There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Uncle Sam's drink. After a while, Uncle Sam excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
A man doing market research knocks on a door and is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. The man says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" The woman replies, "Yes, my husband and I use it all the time." "And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" "We use it for sex." Taken aback, the researcher says, "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a hinge. But, in fact, I know most people do use it for sex. I admire your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?" The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
During World War II, it was considered patriotic to have a Victory
Garden. In our backyard we grew a variety of vegetables and spices.
Our most successful plant was a rapidly growing strain of sweet
peas.These grew so fast that they destroyed the crops of many of our
spices? the parsley, the sage, the rosemary. In fact, the only thing
we did not have was peas in our thyme.
An airplane that was forced to return to the airport after colliding
with a flock of geese. Of course, as soon as it had landed the
airport mechanics rushed out to take a gander.
When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the
human resources manager replied, "Oh, our employees don't need one.
They are routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle,
beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in
circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the
buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings,
throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the
rules, stabbing others in their backs and pushing their luck!"
One of General Motor's employees decided to get away from the picket
lines and take a holiday in France. He saw that the local bank's
armored truck was being robbed. He reached for his gun and began
shooting at the robbers. Sad to report his only hit was to mortally
wound Dannette's medical examiner. The headlines read, "Striker fired
a shot past the gold keeper into the coroner of Dannette."
Q. Did you hear that the French have a new flag? A. It's a white cross on a white background.
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his dick out and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?" she asks. "This is a clock shop." He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to serve venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy, Joey, keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see," says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "Joey! Quick, spit it out! We're eating asshole!" she screams.
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Weird Fact of the Day:
7-Eleven is the largest retail chain in the world.
Years ago I worked briefly for a dog breeder. She was a real bitch, a
big husky gal who wouldn't take Shi-tzu's from anybody. She was
constantly hounding me about putting out the chow too early, she said
it would rot while her dogs were out excercising. I really wanted to
boxer ears and maybe even make the Doberman pinscher, but instead I
tried to setter down and give her some pointers about dealing with
people. Well, when I try to do this, she gets really mad and spitz in
my face. After that I decided to walk out, leaving her and her son
Kenny to run the business. Maybe Kennel have better luck with her.
My ten-year-old son informed us that part of his tooth had come out.
We checked and, sure enough, a piece had broken off. Trying to
lighten the moment, I asked my husband, "What do you suppose the
tooth fairy gives for half a tooth?" "Nothing," he replied, "She
wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth."
Consider, if you will, the case of the awkward bumble-bee who became
ill while gathering pollen but continued to work. Unfortunately, he
thus infected all the flowers with his virus. The consequences are
recorded in the annals of horticulture as the blight of the fumble bee.
These are pretty cute..........
I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available
right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some
changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep If I do not
return your call, you are one of the changes."
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to
keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing
his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said,
"I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like
it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking. "
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that,
we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my
son, "We should pray." From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your
way around, you're not going any where.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer
for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to
Customer: "I can't print anything!"
Tech Support: "Yes, the print server's down for maintenance. Didn't you read
that e-mail I sent"?
Customer: "No, I never got it."
Tech Support: "But I got the return receipt from you. You must have seen it:
'Server down at 4:00pm for maintenance'."
Customer: "Oh, that one. I didn't understand what you meant."
Tech Support: (sigh) "The tech is here trying to fix the SCSI controller.
The server was downed so he could work on it."
Customer: "What? I don't understand. Why can't I print? I'm not a computer
person! I really need to get these reports out."
Tech Support: "When the message said, 'Please print your jobs before 4:00pm
tomorrow,' what didn't you understand?"
Customer: "Huh? What? I really need to print these reports out. It's
Tech Support: "You can't right now. The server is turned off. Like I told
Repeat for another ten minutes.
Customer: "I would like to buy a game for my kid."
Salesman: "Sure madam, come with me."
Customer: "Are these on floppy disks? The boxes are too light."
Salesman: "Well madam, games are not being released on diskettes any more.
They are being released on CDs."
Salesman: "Well, do you know the CDs with music"?
Salesman: "Same thing, only it contains a PC game, and we use it in the PC,
in the cdrom drive. Do you have a cdrom drive in your PC"?
Customer: "Well, I am not sure. Can I buy it and copy it on a floppy disk
and use it from there"?
Salesman: "Well no madam, that's not possible."
Salesman: "It cannot fit in a single floppy disk. It's too small. The game
is made to run from the CD and not from the floppy anyway."
Customer: "Well, I can use many floppy disks."
Salesman: "I told you madam, even if you copy it in the disks, it won't
work. And anyway you would need many disks to do that. Around 400."
Customer: "I think I have 400 disks in my home. How much does the game
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
I know," said grandpa .........."The hundred is from Grandma."
Jerry, smelling of strong drink, sat down on the subway next to a priest.
Jerry's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes Jerry turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied,
"My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."
Jerry muttered in response,
"Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry.
I should not have come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have arthritis, Father,"
"I was just reading here that the Pope does."
Having been laid up recovering from cardiac surgery I had lost any
semblance of skin color, not to mention a previous my Florida tan, So
before heading down to Keywest for a long weekend with friends, I went
to a tanning salon.
I had fallen asleep and was under the lights a bit longer than i had
intended and the protective shades I had worn left a big white circle
around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Wow, I look
like a clown."
and had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until, picking
up some supplies for the trip, I got in the checkout line at super
Feeting a tug. I looked down to see a small boy staring up at me. My
previous assessment on my comical appearance was proven correct, when
the freckle faced kid, smiled and said,
" Hey Mister, Are you giving out balloons?"
A Lancaster driver returned to his car one day and found that the lock had
frozen. Being a non-smoker he had neither matches nor lighter to defrost
it, so he went down on his hands and knees and breathed on it hoping that
his warm breath would do the trick, it didn't. Instead he became stuck to
the lock for twenty minutes!
A 51 year old company director was relaxing at home one evening while his
wife was in the kitchen preparing their supper a fine six pound pike that
her husband had caught six hours earlier on a fishing trip. Suddenly, he
heard his wife scream. He ran into the kitchen and found her crying and
trying to staunch a wound on her arm. The pike had bitten her as she lifted
it up to clean it.
An American soldier was accidentally shot through the head while serving in
the army. Surgeons removed the bullet but could not sew up the hole in his
brow. The unfortunate man lived for many years with this hole, through
which he could blow out cigarette smoke.
In the 1930's a Canadian angler fishing in one of the many Canadian lakes
was delighted when he landed an extraordinarily large Pike. He duly
despatched it with his heavy stick and laid it down on the bank besides his
shotgun. Unfortunately, the fish was not properly dead. It began to thrash
about and its tail caught on the trigger. The gun went off sending the
angler to the happy hunting ground in the sky.