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Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sunday Funnies MId-Morning Edition Again



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Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and
asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top
of each other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's
called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Jordan just said, "OK" and went back outside to play.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is
not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds!"
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Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband
never had sex anymore.

So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his
drink and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening.
That night they made out.

The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they really got
it on.

The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire bottle in.

A few days later, the doctor called to check on her progress.
The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she was doing,
the son replied,
"Mom's dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out naked on the
front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty'."
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Weird Fact :
In North America there are approximately 618 roller coasters.
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Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.
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There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Uncle Sam's drink. After a while, Uncle Sam excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children. "Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
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What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is screwing her.
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Weird Fact :
The Hollywood sign was first erected in 1923. It was first erected as "Hollywoodland."
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Kids Talk about their Moms
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
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teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation
has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much
like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.

So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the
teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer :),
so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her arse, I knew that I was
in definitely!
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in
a sentence. Little Johnny raises his hand at the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he
doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was cancelled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies. "What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation
has been stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much
like the other one, and asks if anyone can use it in a different way.

So there's Little Johnny waving his hand again. And the
teacher thinks... (Maybe he really does know the answer :),
so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,
"As I felt my balls slap against her arse, I knew that I was
in definitely!
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+
There was a very unusual hospital where one of
the main treatments was that the nurses would take
the male patients home and sleep with them.

But there was one patient, Rob, no one wanted to
take him home. He was a small man, and he had
tattooed on his penis the word 'SHORTY'.

Well, finally, Valerie, feels sorry for him and
takes him home and sleeps with him. She comes back
to work the next day smiling. The other nurses ask
what she could possibly be so happy about after
sleeping with a guy with SHORTY written on his
penis.

"Yes," replies Valerie, "but when he becomes
aroused, it says, 'SHORTY'S RESTAURANT
AND PIZZERIA'."

"Wow!" they say.

"'ORDERS TO TAKE OUT'," Valerie continues.
"'ALL BAKING DONE ON PREMISES..."

The others stand there staring, in total surprise.

"ESTABLISHED 1922...PARTIES ARE OUR SPECIALTY'."
Valerie finished.


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Lena and Sven got married inSt. Paul. They planned to honeymoon inLena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. Theycaught a bus that was filled withdeer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St.Paul the bus broke down rightnext to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena,there's a comfortablehotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?"Lena replied,"No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bustook off.Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it wasnext toa good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena,there'sa nice motel, how about ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No.Ivant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off theywent.Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time theywere out inthe woods. However, there was a little clearing out of thesight of the bus.Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back intothe voods and do it."Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena,"Earlier ve vere next to anice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vereby a motel and you said 'No'.But, here ve vent out into the grassyvoods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "Ivas listening to the hunters. Theysaid if the bus broke down again, thefucking season vould be over
John bought his new colleague, Peter, home for dinner. As they arrivedat the door his wife rushed up, threw her arms around John and kissedhim passionately."My goodness", said Peter, "and how long have you been married?""22 years", replied John."You must have a fantastic marriage if your wife greets you like thatafter all those years.""Don't be fooled! She only does it to make the dog jealous."
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John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new high-riseapartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voicesay, "Hi there, big boy."Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over therailing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to thefifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy ladybeckoned him toward her. John walked over to the open door."I've been waiting for someone like you," the lady said as she slowly unzipped hispants. John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand.Then she gave it a sharp whack with her other hand! John jumped back in alarm."What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place."
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When the cop was off duty, he often hung around bars in the seedierparts of town, listening to rumors and trying to get a sense of whatwas going on.One evening a quite stunningly beautiful lady walked in and ordereda drink.The cop watched her, fascinated that such a comely, well dressedwoman would be in a dive like this.She seemed to notice his stare; she turned and came over to where hesat."Can I buy you a drink?" she asked, her azure gaze holding his eyesas though her were hypnotized."S-s-s-sure!" he stammered, not believing his luck. She was gorgeous!Just then the bartender snorted, "Hey, buddy, that's no lady!" andlaughed out loud."What?" the cop asked, confused."Like I said. That's no lady. He's not a woman, either!" thebartender said.The cop's face turned a deep red as his anger rose. "Why, you...Ioughta run you in!" he growled at the "lady.""For what?" he/she answered, "I haven't done anything illegal, have I?""For male fraud!" was the cop's reply.


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