Sunday Funnies MId-Morning Edition
I used to have a Labrador retriever and I was buying a fifty pound bag
of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting 'The Purina Diet' again,
although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time. But that I had lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care ward with tubes coming out all over and I-Vs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
Practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story,
particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked
if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I had been sitting in the street
licking my balls when a car hit me.
A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument
we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when
I used to have a Labrador retriever & I was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with
tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete
so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no, I'd been sitting
in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the tall guy was
going to have to stagger out the door.
A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made
while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must ! acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there??????"
This guy spends all week in the gym and needs little or no reason to
wear his skin tight shirt you can see his heart beating and parade's
around the club like Mr. Universe.
You know her . . . 300 lbs. size 48, buys a size 6 red and yellow
Spandex outfit. To the horror of others, she wears it to the club.
Takes three hours to finish one drink, then tries to fool everyone for
another hour with a glass full of ice water & a straw. Has $3.50 in his
pocket and a token.
Stands for "Old Guys". These guys just can't get over the fact that they
are TOO OLD to be at the club. Their clubbing days are so far behind
them their kids can legally buy alcohol. They try to be down with the
younger generation by wearing gold fronts and try to speak slang using
phrases like "What's up money!" and "That's fresh!"
THE OOOH GIRL
She's that girl that's basically doing the two step dance, until her
song comes on and she screams to her girl friends, "OOOH GIRL, THAT'S MY
SONG!!!" From this point on it's shake what your mamma gave ya and she
will dance with what ever is in front of her,guy, girl, bar, wall,
WASTE OF TIME WILLY
This is the one that buys a new outfit for the club; travels miles from
home, at night to the club; pays $15.00 to get in the club; and when
he's finally in the club he just stands against the wall sipping on a
cup of Pepsi fronting like it's rum-n-coke.
Stepped out of the latest rap video, he feels the need to let everyone
in the club know what name brand designer clothing he's wearing, down to
his socks because he must have that one pant leg up. It may be pitch
black in the club, but he's got $300 Versace sunglasses on. He's also
the one making a call from the noisy dance floor on his cell phone, with
a bottle of MOET (with the label facing outward so everyone can see)in
his other hand...
TAKIANNA & LAQUITA
The female equivalent of Siskel & Ebert, but they don't review movies.
They notice everything from head to toe... Also known for staring people
down for long periods of time! Those are fake!" "Assa Grande!!" His baby
mamma must dress him."
THE 1st AND 15th POSSE
We only see them in the club around these dates...
TOUCHY FEELY TYRONE
He's the guy that loves to walk all over the club when it's crowded
squeezing through girls and getting his free feels.
Not the TV host. She has no money, but somehow gets some sucker to buy
her drinks all night---usually BILLBOARD BILLY (see above for details).
Has been in and out of jail so many times, he has no clue as to what is
in or out of style. He shows up in a "Malcolm X" cap, gold fronts, an
"Eight Ball" leather jacket and a silk polka dot shirt....
SHAHEENA STROBELITE & CO.
They look good in the club, but outside.....AHHH DAMN!! And I bought
you, a drink!
There was a little "incident" at your house today while you were gone.
Please allow me to explain:
I was watching T.V. and I heard this beeping going off in the kitchen.
The first thing I thought of was the smoke detector going off so I ran
into the kitchen and checked everything out. By the time I got to the
kitchen, the beeping had stopped and I couldn't smell any smoke.
I went back to watching my movie and I kept hearing a beep every minute.
I knew that the type of smoke detector that you have is the type that
took a few minutes to reset itself. I kept watching my movie , and about
10 minutes later I was really getting pissed off that the beeping
continued. I paused the movie, ran out to the kitchen, unhooked the
detector, and went back to the movie.
The beeping continued.
Having a college degree in electronics, I knew that the capacitors could
hold a charge after the batteries were removed. About 20 minutes later,
I was really getting pissed because I could still hear the beeping. And
I got so mad, I went out and grabbed a pair of wire cutters and cut the
speaker off the smoke detector and left it sitting on the counter.
I sat back down and heard "beep".
Now I was fuming. I listened to that "beep" about three more times, then
I finally got a hammer and pounded the ever-loving shit out of your
smoke detector on the counter (while I was pounding I heard "beep"). It
was really getting me mad.
I sat back down and resumed the movie and sure enough "beep".
I had the wire cutters in my hand and I went out (curious to see what
the hell could still be running it) and cut all the little parts into
pieces, and put half into a little plastic container and left half on
the counter. I took half the parts over to the living room thinking if
it beeps I know it's these, and half the parts I left on the counter
knowing it would be them.
In moments I heard the parts in the kitchen beep. So I took them into
the living room and spread them on the table, staring at them, saying to
myself "the part that beeps will get smashed". Not three seconds later,
the parts I just had, now on the counter in the kitchen, beeped. I was
furious. I thought to myself, (his smoke detector is possessed). I
brought all the parts into the living room and laid them out on the
coffee table. I was staring at them, just waiting for one of them to
beep so I could smash the shit out of it.
All of a sudden, I hear "beep", but it was coming from the kitchen!
I walked out there, all freaked out. I just waited... and waited... it
seemed like hours but was only 30 seconds later, I heard the mystifying
"beep" coming from your jacket. I looked in the jacket and it was your
beeper that you had left at home by accident. All I could do was take my
hammer and beat the ever-loving shit out of your beeper because I was
the one who paged you.
Male or Female
"Are you male or female?"
1. Aside from getting sterilized, your birth control options are: a. one
b. almost a dozen
2. When parking your car in a public garage you:
a. toss your keys jauntily to the attendant
b. hand your keys over politely
3. You haven't shaved in 4 days. The resulting
stubble can be construed as:
4. At the doctor's, a common request would be:
b. "Would you like to scoot down just a little more dear?"
5. As a sporty person, you need athletic support with:
a. one cup
b. two cups
6. When you're feeling insecure, what you say to your
best friend is:
b. "Do I look fat?"
7. You've slept with several hundred people, one term
used to describe you would be:
a. sports legend
8. The age it hits home that junk food will devastate
your body is:
9. When you hear the words "hand wash," the first
thing that comes to your mind is:
a. your car
b. panty hose
10. It`s the seventh game of the playoffs, bottom of
the ninth, score tied. Bases are loaded with 2 outs.
The man at bat has a .311 average against southpaws,
and the pitcher is a lefty. Your mate turns to you
and says, "Do you want a back rub?" You are:
a. too busy screaming at the TV to even hear the question
11. Your idea of basic pump is:
a. an athletic shoe made by Nike
b. a heeled shoe made by Fayva
12. Multiple Orgasms are something you:
a = 1 point b = 2 points
0-12 Congratulations, you are a male. This means you
have a greater lean-muscle-to-fat ratio, earn most of
the money, and a select few of your sex can look
forward to being president someday.
13-24 Congratulations, you are a female. This means
you will live longer, have your choice of wearing
either pants or a skirt in polite company and a select
few of your sex can look forward to being president
Two worms live together in a golf course.
The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of
going up and checking it out." The first worm says, "That's a good idea.
Why don't you do that." So the second worm starts on his way up through
the dirt. At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the
fairway. The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta piss." Her friend says,
"Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course, Do it
right here. Nobody will know." The first lady says, "You think so? Right
here?" Her friend says, "Yeah." And she agrees to do it, because it
helps the joke. She pulls down her knickers, and lifts up her little
golf dress and she squats. She's just about to commence when the worm
pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and
forget it, he gets drenched. He's dripping wet as he goes back down
through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.
The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?" The
second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the
damn birds are building their nests upsidedown!"
George, a career Army officer I once met, was jumpmaster for his unit
and was taking up a few novices for a drop. The flight was pretty
rough, and, after a while, George called off the jump because of high
As the plane headed back to base, and the pilot pulled off an
unusually smooth landing, two of the neophytes got airsick.
"How come you could take that rough flight, but you couldn't
handle the smooth landing?" asked George.
"Well, Sir," one trainee explained, "we've always jumped out of
planes. We've never actually landed before."
At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man,
tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.
He was served a piece of meat. He picked it up with his fork,
held it up and smirked, "Is this pig?"
Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly, "Which end of
the fork are you referring to?"
I just had to tell this to someone. This has bugged me for
years. I thought of sending a photo of this billboard in to "The Tonight
Show" but, being from Kentucky myself, it is just too embarrassing.
(we're not all that stupid)! Maybe I am for admitting it! :)
There is a billboard on I-65 going right into Louisville for
everyone going to the Kentucky Derby to read, Great first impression, as
if we don't get enough ridicule!
"Tattoo Charlie's" has a billboard that reads "Tattoos while you
What the heck else would you do, drop off an arm and pick it up
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a
portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three
black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie. The curator of
the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting
and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how
it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics
believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the
curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, "Would you like
to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be
more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it ," he replied. "In fact, there are no
black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in
the middle went home for lunch."
Our dentist recently hired a beautiful young blonde as a dental hygenist.
We exchanged small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my teeth and I gazed
into her pale-blue eyes.
When she finished, she smiled and said, "You have the most perfect mouth."
My heart skipped a beat.
Then she continued, "Usually I have a lot of trouble reaching people's
wisdom teeth, but your mouth is so big that I can get both hands in easily."