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Sunday, July 02, 2006

Sunday Funnies.

GPS Glossary
http://www.waypoints.com/popups/gpsglossary.html
Poetry Archive
http://www.poetryarchive.org/poetryarchive/home.do
EarthCam - Ground zero
http://www.earthcam.com/usa/newyork/groundzero/
MomsMinivan
http://www.momsminivan.com/




..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
What do you call a donkey with one leg?
A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?
A winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love? A bonky
winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love while
breaking wind? A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love while
breaking wind. Wearing blue suede shoes? A honky tonky stinky bonky
winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye, makin' love while
breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing the piano? A plinky
plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey.

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while
breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing the piano and driving a
UPS truck?

Fuckin' talented.

~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.
A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready
for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," he thinks.

The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the
Viagra and waits.

Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls
him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there
for about an hour."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home
for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a
housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the
housekeeper..."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:

1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind
keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?
2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think
I'll go introduce myself!
3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am,
and I'm happy for them both.
4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.
5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.
6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-
fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!
7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to
help him with the color choices!
8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!
9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of
sex and then just go his separate way for once?
10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this -- my
butt is fat!

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
FOR GENTLEMEN: HOW TO STUFF UP YOUR DATE

There are MANY ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on
a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol
and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* People say I remind them of Peewee Herman.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose and boob job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on
the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching and farting
contest.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am.

+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Police Officer O'Leary is cruising around in his patrol car one night.
He is on the lookout for trouble. He sees two little old ladies in the
front seat of a Chevrolet convertible, parked in "Honest John's" used
car lot. The car lot is closed, so O'Leary drives up alongside the Chevy
and asks, "Are you two ladies trying to steal this car?" "Certainly
not," says one of the ladies, "we purchased the car this afternoon."
"Well," says the cop, "why don't you start it up and drive out of here?"
"We don't drive," replies the other little old lady. "And besides we are
waiting. We were told that if we bought a car here, we would get
screwed."

~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang. In going
to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to
and seized the telephone table. It fell over with a crash, jarring the
receiver off the hook. As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up,
howling and barking. The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this
noise, broke into loud screams. The woman mumbled some colorful words.
She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just
in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said
hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
Important Warning

WATER....... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are
consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking
beer because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling,
filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Poop

BEER = HEALTH

Free yourself of Poop, drink BEER!!! It is better to drink beer and talk
shit than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as
a public service.
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
MY FRIEND Dawn and I grew up in suburban New Jersey, and now we both
live elsewhere. While our mothers retain strong accents from living so
close to New York City, Dawn and I have lost most traces of regional
pronunciations. One night we were laughing about how we occasionally
slip and say something like, "Put the clothes in the 'draw.'" Then I
told Dawn how my mother still refers to "Nork" (Newark) Airport.
"Nork!" Dawn shrieked. Then she paused. "How are you supposed to say
it?"
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+




Chinese to Chinese

Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator, no comments read for your self.

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator : Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this
urgent matter about?

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother,Noe Wan was
involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent
to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital
from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious
but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Lee.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name.

..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the
White House. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I
would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay" and
walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House
and said to the same U. S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Clinton". The Marine again told the man, "Sir,
Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the
same U. S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet with
President Clinton".

The Marine, a little agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak
to Mr. Clinton and I have told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the U. S. Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I
just love hearing it".

The Marine guard smiled and said, "See you tomorrow!"
~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~.
The word UP

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning
than any other two- letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or
at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning,
why do we wake UP.

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to write
UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a
room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers
and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.
People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and
think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is
special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP
at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look
UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary,
UP takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add
UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways
UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give
UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.
When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain
for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my
time is UP, so I'll shut UP.
~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy class gets
up, moves to the First Class Section and sits down. The flight attendent
watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the
blonde that she paid Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendent goes into the cockpit
and tells the pilot and copilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting
in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The copilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal
and I'm staying right here!" The copilot tells the pilot that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's
blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak "blonde!" He
goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm
sorry!" She gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendent and the copilot are amazed and asked him what he
said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't
going to Montreal."
..~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
Political Correctness For Kids

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious
follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual
information."

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively
challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook
experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic
footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the
discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a
mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+

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