As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter
flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks
to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing
his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to
give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard
two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers
applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks
for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which
landing you liked best."
At the end of a long day of driving, we encountered
roadwork. We were unsure which lane to use, and the
flagman was no help; his signal light went up, down,
across, and back again.
"What do you think he wants us to do?' my husband asked.
We proceeded cautiously and finally drew abreast of the flagman--who, we
realized, was frantically warding off mosquitos.
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for
prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing
with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most
effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face
down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey,
fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did
was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
Britain decided it was time to switch left lane
traffic to right lane traffic, as everywhere in
Europe. So they gather to plan the whole thing
nd nobody seems to come up with any viable
solution, so they send out some help-me type
faxes. A couple of days later, answers come
back. The French fax read: "As your neighbors,
we are deeply touched you requested our help,"
etc., etc., "but we have no idea at all how
to do it." The German fax read: "We are Germany,
the most organized country in Europe, but we
have not had this problem before and we do not
know how to handle it." The Polish fax read: "As
you know, we are Poland, a country that has done
a lot on the path towards democracy and economic
resuscitation. "We have a great deal of experience
in such transition processes. But, as to overcome
the inherent difficulties and to avoid social
problems, any and all transitions must be done
gradually. "So, it is our proposal to handle the
situation in three big steps. The first year, it
should be mandatoryonly for the trucks to ride
on the right lane . . ."
When Mother Teresa died and went to heaven, God greeted her at the Pearly
Gates. "Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" asked God.
"I could eat," she replied. So, God opened a can of tuna, unwrapped a
loaf of rye bread, and they began to share it. While eating the humble
tuna sandwich, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the
inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasant and pastries.
Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day, God invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was
tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of
Hell en joying lamb, turkey and apple pie. Still, she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, "God, I am
grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient
life I led. But here in heaven, all I get is tuna and a piece of rye
bread, and in the other place they eat like emperors and kings!
I just don't understand it."
God sighed: "Let's be honest, Teresa. For two people, it just doesn't
pay to cook."
There was a guy so addicted to golf that
all he did is go out on thelinks every single day.He had ambitions of making
it to the Pros, so he took his game veryseriously.One windy day while
playing in the finals of a a tournament, the guy wasin contention, so he
played every shot with utmost care andconcentration.After all the scores
were submitted, he was declared the winner of thetournament.He went home to
his wife with the trophy and some small cash prize.He kept repeating his
round over dinner.The wife, who is not the least bit interested in golf, got
up and wentto bed early.The guy follows after a few hours, still high on his
golf championship.At around two in the morning, the wife jumps up and
screams at herhusband, who also gets startled and wakes up."What happened?
Why are you screaming?" the guy asked his wife."Why wouldn't I shout? You
just pulled a patch of hair from my pussy andthrew it up in the
A Matter of Perspective
A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed herperiod for two
months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstoreand buys a pregnancy
kit. The test result shows that the girl ispregnant.Shouting, cursing,
crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that didthis to you? I want to
know!"The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later
aFerrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished manwith
gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps outof the car
and enters the house.He sits in the living room with the father, the mother
and the girl,and tells them, "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of
theproblem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation,
butI'll take charge.If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail
stores, a townhouse,a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is
born, my legacywill be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it istwins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is
amiscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"At this point, the father, who had
remained silent, places a handfirmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"Then you try again."
A group of Texans are driving down the
road, whooping itup, drinking beer and shooting off their guns when theyget
into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans,killing everyone. The
Texans go straight to Hell. Whenthey arrive the Devil is shocked to see that
they are notin agony over the heat and he demands an explanation."Well, sir,
we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat,"says one. This infuriates the
Devil and he cranks the thermostat up toits highest setting. The lost souls
all over hell start wailing. "I'llcheck on them in the morning and see how
they like THIS." He snorts anddisappears in a ball of fire.The next morning,
the Devil shows up at the Texans' campsite, and sure enough they are showing
some signs of discomfort. Theyhave taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are
fanning themselves. One haseven rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains
a Texan, "when youhave been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this
ain't hardlynothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red."Those damn
Texans seem immune to heat, but let's see what happens whenI turn OFF the
heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll checkon them
tomorrow."So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans'campsite, and
they are all whoopin' and hollerin' anddrinkin' the beers from the ice chest
in the back of thepick up, now that they have ice to chill them with.
Thewail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans arepartyin' like there
is no tomorrow."I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated.
"Itried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I triedto freeze you and
you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff.But why are you
celebrating?"A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies,
"Look around!Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another
Bush in theWhite House."
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do!
Don't Ever Be Late
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years
in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the
congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few
words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from
his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs, and much more. I was appalled. But as the days went on I
knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come
to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish
priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first one to go to him in confession."
Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE !!
This guy was deer hunting in North
Carolina. He shoots a deer, and ashe is dragging it back to his truck, he
gets stopped by this redneckGame Warden who asks to see his hunting license.
The hunter shows himthe license, and is about to leave when the Game Warden
says, "Not sofast, Boy. I need to inspect the deer."The Game Warden then
reaches down, sticks his finger up the deer'sbutt, pulls it out then sniffs
his finger. The Game Warden gets angrythen says, "Wait a minute Boy! This
here ain't no North Carolina deer;this here is a Virginia deer! You need to
have a Virginia HuntingLicense to hunt this deer. You got a Virginia Hunting
License on youBoy?"Well, it just so happens that the guy had been hunting in
Virginiathe week before. He goes back into his wallet hand pulls out a
VirginiaHunting License. The Game Warden looks at the valid license
anddisappointingly says, "Well.... OK, I guess I'll have to let you go.
Ireally do enjoy writing up Boys like you who hunt deer without alicense,
but you look like you got everything in order. So go on, getout of here."The
following week, the guy is hunting again. He shoots another deerand as he is
dragging it back to his truck, he gets stopped by the sameGame Warden who
says "Just a minute Boy. I need to inspect the deer."He reaches down, sticks
his finger up the deer's butt, pulls it out,sniffs his finger and says,
"Boy! This here is a South Carolina deer!You got a South Carolina Hunting
License?"The Hunter, somewhat surprised, said that he had one in the
truck.He goes and gets it out of the glove box, shows it to the Game
Warden,who again has to let him go.So this goes on for the next three weeks.
Each week the huntershoots a deer; one from Georgia, Tennessee, and West
Virginia. Eachtime the Game Warden stops to do the Finger Test, and each
time thehunter is able to produce the correct license.Finally, after the
West Virginia deer, the Game Warden is furious."Boy! You got a hunting
license from every state in the south! Wherethe hell are you from,
anyway?"The hunter drops his pants, bends over and says, "You Tell