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Saturday, July 29, 2006

This -N-That







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A prominent surgeon, who was a member of operating teams at both St.
Francis Hospital and Christ Hospital in the Chicago area, would operate
in the morning, then field calls about his patients in the evening.

One night, a few dinner guests were quite shocked as the good doctor was
on the phone talking to a resident at Christ Hospital, when the other
phone rang.

His wife answered, then whispered to her husband, "It's St. Francis
calling."

He whispered back, "Tell St. Francis I'll have to call back. I'm talking
to Christ."

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After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing,
Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check.
In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a
bottle of cognac.
"Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?"
"Right," Mark extemporized. "That, madam, is my nightcap."

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An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby...

It was so far out, and there was no electricity. When the doctor
arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her
5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high
so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child
did so.

The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded:

"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him
again."




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Two friends from upper Michigan were talking about how cold it got last
winter where each of them lives. "It was so cold, even conversation
froze in the air," says the first guy. "There was a terrible babble in
the spring when all those words finally thawed out."

"Humph," grumped the other man. "It was so cold, it even froze the flame
on my candle. In exasperation, I plucked it off and threw it out my
cabin door. Yessiree, it was a bad last winter! But, not as bad as
spring, of course."

"Why, what happened then?" asks the first guy.

"Well," replies his friend, "come spring the candle flame thawed out and
burned down my cabin."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
The Saga Of Management Reviews Of Reports

Question: How many feet to mice have?

Original Reply: Mice have four feet.

Mgmt comment: Elaborate.

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.

Mgmt comment: No discussion of fifth appendage.

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is
a tail.

Mgmt comment: What? Feet with no legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.

Mgmt comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per
body.

Mgmt comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each
leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is
not equipped with a foot.

Mgmt comment: Descriptive but not decisive.

Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be: FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE
TAIL. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misapportionment of spare appendage assets.

Mgmt comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity.

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg
joined integrally with the overall mouse structural subsystem. Also
attached to the mouse subsystem is a thin tail, non functional and
ornamental in nature.

Mgmt comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.

Final Revision: Mice have four feet.

Mgmt comment: Approved.
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After a heavy day's digging at the archeological site in Norway,
researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder
god. He had bulging muscles and imposing stance, and of course his
famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his
fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a
brilliant red color.

Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined
that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery.
Pretty soon, a big argument was underway.

The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the
evening. By the time they finally gave up and called a truce, everyone
else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment. As the crowd
dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and said: "Well, that
was a fight for Thor eyes."






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Blonde Jokes

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if
he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to
you!"

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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it
died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She
says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She
asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

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EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
Officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down
and says, "OH, MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"


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BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" ;
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! "
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The
Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're
going at night!"

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IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall,
stares at t he question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of
inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the
coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is
still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen
desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator,
alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam
in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

~~#~~#~~#~~#~~~#~~~#
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs,and
asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard
of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOOOOO," answered the blonde.
"They're watch dogs!"

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