Thursdays Late Edition
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and your NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
Anyways, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside!
I have always dreaded old age. I cannot imagine
anything worse than being old. How awful it must be
to have nothing to do all day long but stare at
the walls or watch TV. So last week, when the mayor
suggested we all celebrate Senior Citizen Week by
cheering up a senior citizen, I determined to
do just that. I would call on my new neighbor, an
elderly retired gentleman, recently widowed, who,
I presumed, had moved in with his married daughter
because he was too old to take care of himself.
I baked a batch of brownies and without bothering
to call (some old people cannot hear the phone), I
went off to brighten this old guy's day.
When I rang the doorbell, this "old guy" came to the
door dressed in tennis shorts and a polo shirt,
looking about as ancient and decrepit as Donny
"I'm sorry I can't invite you in," he said when I
introduced myself, "but I'm due at the Racquet Club
at two. I'm playing in the semifinals today."
"Oh, that's all right," I said. "I baked you
"Great!", he interrupted, snatching the box,
"Just what I need for bridge club tomorrow!
Thanks so much!"
"...and just thought we'd visit a while, but that's
okay, I'll just trot across the street and call on
"Don't bother," he said, "Gran's not home. I know,
I just called to remind her of our date to go dancing
tonight. She may be at the beauty shop. She mentioned
at breakfast that she had an appointment for a tint job."
I called my Mother's cousin (age 83), she was in
the hospital... working in the gift shop.
I called my aunt (age 74); she was on vacation in China.
I called my husband's uncle (age 79). I forgot, he
was on his honeymoon.
I still dread old age, now more than ever. I just
don't think I'm up to it.....
Antonio came home from school one day and walked
into the kitchen. His grandma asked him, "Antonio,
what did you learn in school today?"
Antonio replied, "Well, we learned about penises, and
vaginas, and sexual intercourse, and masturbation."
Grandma hauled off and slapped Antonio, hard. He ran
up to his room, crying. Antonio's mother walked in and
cried, "Ma! Why did you go and hit Antonio!?"
Grandma replied, "Well, I asked him what he learned
in school today. He started talking about sex, and
penises, and masturbation!"
Antonio's mother said, "Ma! That's what they learn.
It's called sex education!"
Well, Grandma felt bad about hitting Antonio, so she
went upstairs to apologize. When she opened his
bedroom door she found him on his bed masturbating.
Without a blink, she said, "Antonio, when you're finished
with your homework, come downstairs and talk to me."
The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.
"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after
three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes
after ten?" "A jack," says the little boy.
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but
recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit
light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck darkness. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are
in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere.
The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark
Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark
than the ones in this room.
So as with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the
dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black,
representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a
pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black.
This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.
One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or
replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark
Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a
solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great
amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and
slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark
leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark
Boudreaux and his wife, Clothilde lived on a little farm outside Mamou,
Louisiana. One day Clothilde said, "Mais, Boudreaux, you have got to
get rid of dat dog. All he does is lie under the front porch and turn
over da trash cans."
Boudreaux said, "Okay Cher. I'll get rid of him."
He put him in the pickup, drove down the road a couple of miles and
dumped him out. He drove home and in a few minutes the dog showed up.
So he put him back in the truck, drove several more miles and dumped him
out. After getting back home, the dog showed up again.
Clothilde said, "You have to take him out and drive around and around a
lot in circles, den dump him out dat way he won't know da way home."
Boudreaux said, "You some smart, Clothilde, and dats why I married you."
Boudreaux took the dog, drove all around and zig zagged a lot then
dumped the dog out. He started back home but pulled over and parked and
called Clothilde on his cell phone. "Has dat dog come back yet?"
Clothilde answered, "Yes, he just came in."
Boudreaux said, "Well, put him up to da phone - I'm lost."
A PILL A DAY
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said,
"What's the problem?" He said, "The doctor told me I have to take a
pill every day for the rest of my life." She said, "So what? Lots of
people have to take a pill every day their whole lives." He said, "I
know, but he only gave me four pills!"
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding
ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He
replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up. The bear says, "If I roar in the
forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear."
The lion says, "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the
entire savannah is afraid of me." "Big deal!'' says the chicken. "All
I have to do is cough, and the entire planet craps itself."
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed
the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The
second patient sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an
appointment, then waits six weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his
surgery scheduled for three months from then. Why the different
treatment for the two patients? The first is a golden retriever. The
second is a senior citizen.
Q: What's the most commonly heard redneck defense in court?
A: "Honest, your honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
A man went to the dentist because his tooth was hurting. The dentist
told him after the examination that he needed a root canal. The man
replied, "O.K. lets do it." The dentist told him he will feel a pinch
when he gives him the shot of the numbing agent. The man says, "No,
Doc, I am allergic to that." The doctor tells him, "O.K., then, we'll
give you nitrous oxide." The man says, "I am allergic to the gas." So,
then the doctor gives him two pills with a glass of water and the man
takes it. The doctor comes back in 10 minutes and the man says, "Doc,
will those two blue pills kill the pain?" The doctor replies, "No,
that was Viagra." The man says, "Viagra? I don't need that! What's
that going to do for me?" The doctor replies, "Well, it'll give you
something to hang onto."